Lately, I have thought a lot about my personality. A lot has changed in the last four years, but one thing has remained the same, my temperament. I have been and most likely will always be reserved. I think I can count on one hand the times I have voluntarily spoken aloud in class in the last four years, or the times I have successfully started a conversation with someone outside of my circle of friends. I spend most of my time at school silent, just listening to those around me, perfectly content in my own little bubble.

I prefer to refer to myself as reserved as opposed to shy. The word shy reminds me of a little kid, too afraid to speak to those around them, not how you would describe an adult. It alludes to a temporary state, as everyone assured my mother. “Don’t worry she’s just a little shy” and “it’s only a phase she’ll grow out of it soon,” but I’m seventeen now and temporary is no longer realistic. Reserved, on the other hand, sounds more mature and permanent, and as if it is something I can control or decide by choice, although most of the time it is not. A reserved temperament asserts that it’s not that I do not have opinions or answers, I just do not share them for one reason or another.

The truth is I do not know why I am so reserved, I did not have a traumatic experience as a child or a bossy older sibling who spoke for me, from a young age I just did not feel the need to share my thoughts or opinions with people I was not close too. Perhaps I assumed that no one cared what I was thinking, or maybe that I just did not feel the need to have my opinions justified by others, I honestly do not know why my childhood-self chose to be silent. Fast forward to present day, after twelve years of being practically silent at school, I have built a reputation. I am that “shy” girl who does not speak and everyone thinks is “weird,” and it has become very clear to me that a reputation like that is practically impossible to break, so I became used to my little bubble of silence, content the way I am.

I have learned so much from having a reserved personality. Since I do not speak a lot at school, I spend a lot of my time observing those around me, particularly watching how people treat one another. What I noticed is people are so quick to judge others, they make negative assumptions about people they barely know, based off the small little sliver they see. Take my situation for example, people assume that I’m “weird” or a “freak” based on the simple fact that I do not raise my hand in class. Though it may sound cliche, observing others taught me that you cannot judge someone until you have seen the world through their eyes.

Being reserved has also taught me the valuable lesson of listening. I spend a lot of time listening, and the most important thing I’ve picked up on is understanding someone's tone. Tone gives so much insight into what a person is trying to tell you. I can tell when someone is being genuine versus fake, and if someone is really excited or had a really bad day. Just by listening to someone's tone I feel like I understand a person so much more. Not only does it allow me to better understand the person, but by listening to others I learn a lot about myself. I feel like each time I really listen to someone it allows me to open up a little bit more and let go of a tiny bit of my reserved personality.

I think a lot about the what-ifs, regarding my reserved personality. If I was a little less reserved, would I have more friends, would life be easier, would I be happier, maybe I’ll never fully know, but I learned to accept who I am. On one hand I would like to be a little more open with people and be able to express my thoughts and opinions, but on the other hand, being reserved has taught me so much about other people just by listening and observing, and I would not change that for anything.