“Suspension of ten days for the act of depreciating property and threatening another student,” my principal stated while I sat teary-eyed trying to make him understand the threatening of another student was untrue.

 I never did that. I did live up to the fact I deprecated school property over the summer.

I wasn’t lying. Why would I lie about something so horrible? Why won’t anyone listen to what I have to say? Why can’t I just disappear? I do everything wrong so might as well be gone. Breathe.

 I’d just gotten home from school thanks to my nana and her crazy driving. I’d been suspended; there I sat on my bed, staring unbelievingly at my ceiling.

 I can’t believe I got suspended during the third day of school for an incident over the  summer, which was taken out of context. I started breathing heavily and rapidly, while tears formed, and I held in shaky sobs dying to be free from my petite form. My chest heaved with the sudden addition of bricks piled higher and higher, my heart ready to burst from my rigid rib cage.  I sat teary-eyed with a dry throat and shaking hands with not a positive thought daring to linger in my mind as negativity slithered in. The only thoughts in my fragile consciousness were no longer positive but positively twisted sentences.

You’re not good enough. Why do you even try? You’ll never amount to anything. You’re always going to be a worthless piece of crap. It would be better if you were dead. It would be better if you just disappeared. No one would care anyway… It’s not like anyone cares now.  These thoughts swarmed me. 

Though I could tell I was taking in air by the rapid rise and fall of my chest against my warm legs, I could only think was my warm denim-clad legs pulled tightly against my torso was a lie. Crying for two hours or more, it felt like a never ending stream of shaking and crystal sapphire teardrops fell onto my soft bed covered by a million stuffed animals with unsympathetic beaded eyes.Breathe. 

After I’d gotten through the wet drops falling from the mocha eyes of mine and the shaky breathing of my lungs I started rocking back and forth. The warm sapphire crystal teardrops fell from my tear ducts and raced each other down my rosey face. The emptiness inside was like that of a supernova imploding on itself. I felt lifeless or like I was on the verge of dying. The emotionally void sensation of just existing was killing me. I just wanted to feel something, anything not the numbing feeling anymore. I just wanted to be given something I could feel, whether it be pain or something else.Breathe. 

My brain was on overdrive moving miles a minute. My mind was moving so fast even the Flash couldn’t catch up. I had so many thoughts coursing through my brain. They were mostly bad, and circled me, like I was trapped in a whirlpool too far up to drown but not far enough to get out. The only desire I had was to sleep. However, I couldn’t sleep for the fear of not waking up though I slightly didn’t want to wake up. I wanted everything to be over. I stayed up until about 4:30 AM.

 I finally fell asleep, and the best part about that was I woke up. I stayed in bed the rest of the day, physically and mentally drained. After my attack, I was a blank sheet of paper anyone could write or erase whatever I was or who I am. I never want to go through that again though I believe it’s inevitable.

Just breathe.