One thing I can guarantee about myself is that I paint everything blue. I am the exact opposite of an optimist. I never used to be like that. My parents used to sing “you are my sunshine” to wake me up in the morning for school, and I would always make sure to smile at random strangers to make their day better.

Now though, I've been sad more and more often- my happiness no longer trails behind me with my shadow anymore. Last year my desolation came crashing like a brick through the window, and I couldn't bring myself to care. Now it isn't a depressed kind of sad, more like a downcast feeling that is seeming to make up for all the years I was happy as a child. I feel like I have to underscore the fact that I am not depressed. Oddly enough I think I like the lonely feeling more than I can put into words- it's a comforting notion that doesn't scare me.

Sadness isn't as formidable as I thought it was when I was little, so I can't bring myself to care too much that I no longer cherish fake memories, or stand on my tip-toes to reach for dusty, dated dreams my parents left in the closet. I suppose over time the memories I built up for myself were shredded by the truth as if they were made of the flimsy composition paper I used to steal from my dad while he was working.

But sometimes I get bored with myself and I wish I had a secret personality that came out when I needed her. Someone who would replace my anxious, gloomy thoughts and blossom into this lively character who knew exactly what to say at the right times. Sometimes I wish I could blow the clouds away and bast in the warmth of the sun. But I cant. No matter what I try. 

So instead I try to find the beauty in the dark. I go night-swimming at the beach and stargaze on the shore. I find beauty in the way the inky water rolls onto the sand, and something about the moon’s shimmering reflection on the sharp black water always mesmerizes me.

I lay back on the sand and stare at the stars. You can see them so much better on the outskirts of the city- no light pollution, no planes, no blinking satellite towers. The stars always look like they were thrown into the sky, and the moon lazily hung above the one lonely cloud covering the dark blue sky.

I am able to shut my eyes and listen to the way the trees sway in the wind, and how the the branches ruffle against the soft breeze. If I want, I can feel the water droplets race off my skin, and the tickle from the scratchy beach towel below me. It takes everything in me to not fall asleep right on the sand while Im listening to the rolling of the waves. I always shiver as the wind reaches my arms, but it washes over me like the waves that gently roll over on the shore. And I think I am sad, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

It feels like no matter what I think, or no matter what drearily hangs over me, I would be okay. Everything will fall into place, and I finally won't have to pick up the pieces. Everyone gets sad sometimes, and I find that the best way to come out of it is by embracing it. Sadness isn't always lonely. It can be just what you need to slow down and try again.