I feel younger now than I did five years ago.

I feel younger now than I felt six months ago.

Five years ago, I had my life planned out. 

I had goals, dreams, and ambitions. 

six months ago, those goals and dreams changed. 

It wasn’t a bad change, but they changed. 

I still have those same goals and dreams, but I'm out in the world now. 

I'm still under my dads roof, for now, but I'm no longer a high school student.

I'm a legal adult now, and I have to grow up. 

I don't like growing up. 

I've always been terrified of the idea of growing up, and growing old because I have this crippling fear of dying. 

When I was six years old I constantly thought I was dying, and I made myself sick multiple times a day. 

I had panic attacks all the time because I was convinced I was going to die everyday. 

There was absolutely no reason for me to think I was just going to die everyday, but I did. Everyday. 

I cry when I see old people in public because I know their time on Earth has almost come to an end. 

I cry when I go to the doctor's office without my mom. 

I have always longed to grow up and experience the world, but now I wish I could turn back time to when I was four years old and I would make my momma read Aladdin to me every night. 

I wish I could turn back time to when all I cared about was Justin Bieber, the cartoons I would watch after school, and what kind of toy I would get in my wacky pack from Sonic. 

Now I worry about what I look like in the mirror, the number on the scale, and what other people think of me. 

I worry about whether or not I'm going to be able to have the children I long for because my reproductive system is poisoned. 

I ache to be my parents' sweet little girl who wants to color in the living room, watch Spongebob, and eat chicken nuggets. 

I ache for a time when my whole family was together before mistakes were made, divorce papers were signed, and hatred spread like wildfire. 

I miss my momma. 

I miss my brothers. 

I miss my daddy. 

I miss my family. 

We have all grown apart, separated by our own lives, and that’s what hurts me the most. 

I'm growing up. 

Soon I'll be in my own house, living my own life, and I will no longer live with my siblings and parents. 

I am really having a hard time accepting that. 

People say I need to move on with life, leave it in the past, but it’s so difficult to do so when your whole world falls apart right before you're thrown into the rapid current of life, headfirst, with a faulty life vest. 

I'm struggling to grow up. 

I am holding on to my childhood with all I've got, but it’s already over. 

Growing up hurts. 

I'm starting to believe growing pains last forever.