I have always been raised in a Christian family. We went to church every Sunday, every Wednesday, and sometimes even Saturdays for different church related events. I loved being a part of God's community being filled with the Holy Ghost, and having strong Christian beliefs. Naturally, I questioned God a couple times, but in all honesty who hasn't? Then, my beliefs in God drastically changed on March 21, 2023.

           My grandma has always been a big part of my life. During my childhood, she was around all the time and was my best friend. But, she was sick a lot and in the intensive care unit intermittently fighting for her life since 2017; but she always made it out because we always had faith. She suffered early along with back issues and other things but the most recent time was all because of a UTI that spreaded without anyone's knowledge. I always had dreams about my grandma in the hospital taking her last breath since I was in middle school and felt it was a nightmare. That was until I was told by my Uncle that God was sending me dreams. My dreams were so clear, like I was right there watching my grandmother die. In one of my dreams, my moms side of the family and I were in the room with my grandma. She was dying. The doctors kept saying she wasn’t gonna make it much longer. They were right. I watched my grandmother smile at me, close her eyes, take a final breath and pass away. I was only 12 years old. I never wanted to believe she was dead because she was my whole world. when I wanted to give up, I remembered how much it would break her heart.

          I got heartbreaking news, March 1, 2023 that grandma was fighting for her life again but this time felt different. I visited her on March 2, 2023 and she looked so drained and tired. She told me she was tired and was ready to go, I begged her to keep fighting and I genuinely believed she lasted so long because of me. When my grandma took her last breath I was angry not just at God but at my family. They were tired of her lying in the hospital bed like a vegetable, so they told the doctors to unplug her. I cried and protested because how could I give up on someone who was so kind, generous, loving, and selfless. My faith in God started disappearing. How could He let people make such a big decision? I blamed God for everything. I couldn’t understand how He could take such a light soul away, especially when she was the main reason I kept going. 

          When my grandmother died, I gave up on praying, cried every night, tried to make anything sound more reasonable than her death. I was just so angry for months, and it never seemed to get better because I never got an answer as to why he could take her away. But, one day I thought about everything and realized the dream I had since 6th grade. I realized God already answered my question years before, He was preparing me. I didn't want to accept it, but God was telling me what had to happen and for me to understand and keep moving forward with Him because no weapon against me shall prosper. When my grandma and I were in the pool everyday, she would teach me how to get butterflies to land on my finger, and since she passed away not a day goes by that I don't see a butterfly. I feel like she is showing me she is happy now. She hears me, loves me, and most of all, she is proud of me. I never thought I would feel any sort of peace after she left this earth, but I realize that it's going to hurt and I will never be healed completely. However, I do know the devil wants me to stray away. He wants me to give up and not to make it to heaven, but I know he will never prosper. My faith has returned and will remain, thanks to my grandma.