The middle of 9th grade going back to school in person for the first time since covid. I have no clue where I'm going feeling anxious hoping I'm not late to class . All of the walls look the same, all the halls look the same, everything looks the same on all 4 floors, everything is so new and different, everyone is wearing a mask, all new teachers and classes. seeing friends for the first time in a long time hoping i have friends in my classes feeling anxious waiting to see if they are in my class. I finally found my first period in english. All of these people I don't know are looking at me observing me observing this new room we are all in i feel stuck like i can’t move with all of these eyes on me the teacher the students its too much i want to be alone my head is spinning so many thoughts where do i sit are these people talking about me am i in the right class what if this is the wrong class. I’m observing all the people and the room too so i can see if i know anyone i don’t i'm stuck in a room where i don’t know anyone my head is spinning again where am i gonna sit i have to sit with someone i don't know what happens when we have group projects i hate group work.The bright lights, the white boards, all the desks, the chatter between friends, the people by themselves the bright eyes excited to be there. Standing in this room made me feel so many things. I felt like I was stuck in a dark room with no one around. I had no friends in that class. I don't talk to anyone. I can't. I can't bring myself to even try to make friends. It feels dark and lonely here not knowing anyone, not making any friends, not wanting to get to know these people because I don't fit in with them. I'm not popular. I don't play sports. I don't fit in any of the cliques. The bell rings on business in my next class. Back into the crowded hallways so many people I'm getting bumped into. People are walking so slow I'm just trying to go to class but it's taking me so long the halls are dim and all the lockers along the walls we don’t even use. I finally make it to class observing this room has computers at every desk. There is a wall full of windows. It is so bright but yet again it feels dark. I don't know anyone again. I don't fit in with anyone. We learn about the teacher and what the class is about. The darkness is getting darker as the class goes on. Next we have to fill out an all about me paper and I really don’t like those. I never know what to put on them and I have always wondered if the teachers really read them. Lunch is coming soon but my clothes feel itchy, my pants aren't fitting right and my socks don’t feel right. Everything is bothering me. The darkness is back. I don't think it has left since I stepped into this school. Now on my way to physical education i am hoping it’s not going to be that bad i’m hoping i have at least one person i know in this class i finally make it to the class through the dim crowded halls. I enter the room observing all the people and the vibes they give off. I don't see anyone I know so I just go and sit down on the bleachers feeling ready for the day to be over and ready to go home. I’m not paying attention at this point in my head. Next thing I know someone is calling my name. It's Heidi. She was never my favorite but she was still my friend. She can sometimes be too much for me but she's fun to be around most of the time. I’m glad I know someone in this class. Finally, I don’t have to be lonely in all of my classes. At least there's someone I can talk to and it's generally a fun class if you have someone you know you get to play different sports and just have fun. The dark left for a little but the bell rang and its back seeing all of these people i don’t know and never want to get to know all of the fake people all of the kids making out in the halls standing in the middle just talking getting bumped around because the halls are so crowded you can barely move or your gonna run into someone its like im in a maze trying to figure out which way to go to get me class faster and to not run into so many people. Made it to world history, Observing the class with so many people. The class is so big. The desks aren’t desks. There are white tables, and the room is very bright. There are 3 white boards. The teacher seems like he was just thrown into the class. He seems like he doesn’t know what to talk about. He's more so coaching us which makes sense because he's one of the football coaches. History is one of the harder subjects for me. I always have a hard time remembering everything. All I can think is that he's not gonna teach me anything this year and I'm gonna fail the class. Again I see no one. I know it feels dark and lonely once again but it's the last class of the day that excites me. I'm ready to be home and in my bed. I wasn’t really listening the whole class i don’t know what was happening i just heard the bell and hurried and got up this was my first year riding the bus i have never had to my mom was always home but she got a job the bus gives me anxiety wondering who i have to sit with where is the bus is it going to be a long ride a short ride. I finally found the bus my best friend isabel rides the bus with me so we sit together it's not too bad but there are so many people talking, its hot and it's so loud i do not like it after a hard day it's too much for me but we are on the way home my neighborhood id the first stop that makes me happy i finally get home. My brain would not stop going for the rest of the day thinking about how i have to do that every day until school is over i have never been the one to love school but highschool is different there is less of a chance of having friends in your class because there are so many different classes to choose from based on what you like i didn’t know what i wanted to do so i just picked some random classes i'm ready for the year to be over but it's only the first day dark and gloomy is how i felt all day. it felt like it was gonna rain all day but it never did there were just dark clouds.