I wanted to write about a fictional character like Coraline, or Nemo for this assignment, a character that is so filled with curiosity and innocent, and seemingly is happy and so eager to find or explore new things. But instead I am going to write about me when I was a child. I think I had that innocence once, but I just lost it at a very young age. So young I couldn’t even comprehend that there was innocence I had that I could lose. My father passed away when I was practically still a toddler. I have only a handful of memories of him, all of which were when I was a child. Most of these memories are now about the aftermath of his passing. When I was young I pretended it didn’t affect me, not that I really meant to do that, I think it was just a way of coping the fact that the loss was harder than I imagined. Really it was the lack of a father figure growing up that really hurt the most. I saw these bonds other children had with their fathers, I said I was glad I didn’t have a dad because I was scared of men, but that wouldn’t be the case if he was present. I feel bad for my younger self, because I can remember so many times where I was happy and carefree which I am extremely grateful for. Because that childhood innocence is a very important thing to have. However I also remember the times where I was anxious, stressed, worried sick about things a child should never even have to think about. Whether it was being embarrassed of my weight, of my voice, of my looks, of my sexuality, of my friends. Every little thing I can think of I hyperanalyzed and worried about. I don’t know if it would’ve been different if I wasn’t missing half of my support system that other kids had. I think a lot about the support system I had when I was young. I think about my brother and mom who were missing a good chunk of their support system (who was my father). How could they support me enough when they are experiencing more grief than anyone should have to experience at that time in life. He was a child, and my mom was raising two children. I don’t blame them for that because I know it was nearly impossible to go through that and remain sane. However it resulted in me feeling helpless, alone, and scared. On top of these other things that I had to experience, being anxious and self conscious, I had no one there to support me efficiently like other kids fortunately are able to have. I had to raise myself alongside my mom, I had to mask these feelings of panic and fear I had growing up in the way I did, I had to protect myself from the weight of all of this because I was the only one that really could. Not that it is anyone else’s fault because I can’t blame my family, they had pressure on themselves as well. The child me never really got to experience the real childhood I wish I was able to experience, but it shaped me into who I am today, and I got through it in one piece.