Recently I’ve been struggling with a question that I thought I had figured out. I spent months of my life trying to figure it out and I thought about it constantly and then, finally, found an answer. That was two years ago, now I’m not so sure.

About two months before writing this one of my three sisters, the one that I am closest in age and spirit, told me that she picked which college she would be going to next semester — she’s one grade ahead of me — and in that moment it hit me. I no longer knew the answer.

My entire life I had relied on my sister. When our dad was alive she was the one who held my hand while he screamed at us like a bear. She’s the one who cleaned the gashes in my skin from another sister’s relentless anger. She’s the one who came into my room when I was crying. She’s the only person in my family that would always be there, who would always understand.

For the year after my dad died we grew apart. She understood more of what his actions were. Abuse. I was mourning the loss of a father that showed me my favorite songs and taught me how to cook. She felt free from the chains of his disappointment. I thought the screams and threats were normal. So she pushed me away in an attempt to preserve my innocence and I pushed back, I felt betrayed and alone.

Eventually, we started growing closer again, I heard more of my mother’s whispered phone calls with my aunt and saw my friends always smiling when talking about their dad, I started to grow up. As time when on that question was answered again.

Now, years later I write this as I realize that I have a new answer to that question. Actually, I have multiple answers. Each and every one of them fills me with joy, knowing that I no longer only rely on her. She can leave and live her life and I can reassure her that I’ll be alright for one more year.

So maybe she won’t live in the same four walls as me. And yeah, it’s gonna be hard, living with a past abuser without my main support. But I know I can get through it, it’s only one more year, and I have my answer.

You may be wondering what this question is and what the answer(s) are. The answers are the people I’ve surrounded myself with for the past two years. Friends, family, co-workers, partners, and peers. Anyone who has a positive impact on my life. Now, the question may seem simple and many people will have an easier time answering it, but it took me a lot of time to be confident in my answer.

Who can I always go to for a hug and a smile, and who will support me when I need it?