It is an endless struggle each and every day to hold it all together. It is a scratch in the back of your throat that never goes away. Just saying it out loud brings tears to your eyes.

“I have an eating disorder.” Finally it comes out after years of starving yourself.

I look down upon the scale as I stare upon the tiny little numbers. Tears streak down my face. For once, isn’t it enough to be a size five? Though, I always know its greener on the other side, right?

This is my life; diets, scales, exercise, and starvations. Doesn’t it sound fun? As you would know, my life is made up of lies, like everyone else. But, I lie about eating. When mom asked if I had eaten yet, instinctually I say “yes” even though I only had a salad. I lie about the fact that I weigh myself everyday and that I am dieting. But, what I can’t believe the most is the fact that you believe me?

When I look in the mirror, I see a girl that is pure ugly. Everyone says that beauty comes from within you, but I don’t believe it. When everyone else looks at me, they see a smart athletic girl. But I see a monster. I see someone who hates themselves more than his or her worst enemy.

It is hard to believe that I am already a size two after months of dieting, but why don’t I feel any skinnier? I still look in the mirror and see a fat girl, a girl that keeps a list of food that she can and can’t eat, girl that is as smart as a whip, a girl that dreams of making a difference in the world, a girl that struggle every day with an eating disorder. But, most of all I just see me and that all need to be.