Many teens suffer from depression. 1 out of every 8. And lucky us, it normally effects girls more than guys. But it’s not like we don’t have a good reason to go into a depression. Many hard obstacles appear in the years as an adolescent. Relationships, family issues, grades, jobs, and probably the worst of all… hormones, it’s all a lot to deal with at once. I suffered from a depression just a few months ago, but I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my best friend. I guess I was ashamed, in a way. I wanted for everyone to believe I was the strong one, the one who stayed together even in the toughest of times. And I had been the strong one for a while, but eventually all the stress piled up too high and I collapsed in on myself. Fortunately, no one really noticed. I guess I should be upset that my friends, or my family, never noticed my change in attitude. But at the time I was glad no one questioned me. I ate a lot less at home and quit eating at school all together. Except for a few occasional days where I just splurged on anything we had in our pantry. I was hoping the food could comfort me like it did for many others. And it did sometimes, but in general it didn’t do much good. I felt better when I just wasn’t eating. But I wasn’t anorexic. I hated it when people asked me if I was. I didn’t want to damage my body like those people do, not that I am judging anyone though. And in a way I guess I was damaging my body. All the stress, not eating, and isolation really affected me. I felt sick all the time. I always had dark circles under my eyes because I didn’t sleep well, and I was always reading or writing because I was never in the mood to talk. Some of my teachers noticed, but many just let it go. Good thing too, I really didn’t want to have to talk to the school counselor. Though, I guess it would have helped me. I clearly needed some help. I had even thought of suicide a few times. Not that anyone knows. Except for one of my best friends who had basically been through the same stuff and even more. She had lost a sibling to a miscarriage, and virtually lost her mom to the miscarriage. Her mom started taking pills, and her parents even beat her a few times when she was younger. Her parents had discussed divorce many times but never went through with it. She had been through so much. And even more importantly, she survived. And she had helped me through my depression, without even knowing it at first. So did many of my other friends though. Even though I didn’t tell any of them, they did notice I wasn’t my normal happy go lucky girl, so many tried to cheer me up. And that in itself helped because they showed me that I had friends, that I had a place in this insane, messed up universe we live in. I think they are part of the reason I recovered from my depression as soon as I had. I recommend telling a few close friends if you suffer from depression, because they can be a big help and the difference between recovering and suicide.
I used to cry in the shower, and sometimes I still do. It was the only privacy I ever received. Every day I just waited for my few moments to just think in the shower. I lay down and let the water pour over me. My tears merged with the water and I continued to just lay there. Sometimes I thought through a lot of stuff going on in my life, other times I just sat there crying because I was afraid to think too much. A lot of the time when I was just thinking there in the silence, where the only sound was the warm water hitting a surface and bouncing off to another was when I ended up thinking about suicide. There was usually a razor laying beside me in the soap tray. Many times I had picked it up and pierced skin but that was the farthest I had ever gotten before chickening out. I was so upset at myself for being such a coward. But I was also proud, later, that I had stopped myself from inflicting pain on myself.
Depression is a dangerous thing. If not handled well it can lead to suicide. If you suffer from depression I really recommend telling a few well trusted friends, and think through why you are needed in this world, focus on the positives, and don’t always try to be the strong one. Cry when you need to. But don’t let depression win. My friend didn’t, she survived. I didn’t, I will survive.