I ask myself many nights. Am I alone? Did anyone ever care? Do they feel the hurt as much as I do? Many nights I have drenched the sheets with tears of loneliness, hate and most of all... abandonment. I ask myself that question often. Was it abandonment? Did they not love me? Did they not want me? Or did they do this because they DO love me? Did they want me to have a better life with a different family? That's always a positive way to think about these things... Or is it? How should I feel about this? Should I feel relieved that I am not with a family that loves me? Or should I be sad about not being wanted and given away? These questions haunt me. People do not understand the struggles people like me go through. We have no connection to our blood relation. If you get in a conflict, you can go home to your PARENTS. Blood relations. I,and few others don't have that. I love my parents and all, but... I would like to know the woman who gave birth to me. I have been denied that connection in my life. I hope I can share the struggles of an adoptive teen so that you have a better understanding of what we are going through.
This is going to stay with us through life. Its even more difficult to find they parents when they are in another country. You hear stories about kids who are put in orphanages because of bad behavior. This is not one of those cases. In China, there is a one child policy. Parents will usually choose the male to keep because traditionally, the male will take care of the parents in their aging years. The females are usually left at orphanages, police stations, markets and in random places. Some are even killed. I am blessed with the fact that I am alive right now. But the pain that is raging in my mind and in my heart comes from mystery. The mystery of my family, the mystery of where I came from and the biggest of all... the mystery of who I am. I feel I can't truly discover myself before I discover my past. The only thing that gets to me is racist remarks and taunting about being adopted. Some people look at us and think of us as a disease. They think its our fault we are like this. The thing is, I can't change this. I don't have the power to change someone's mind 14 years back, If I could, believe me I would. I have no choice in this. So if you know someone like me, please do not make fun of them for this. I have had people saying, "Well at least my family loves me" and "Well you're not wanted and your parents hated you so they got rid of you." Think about how sensitive of a topic this is for us. This may be funny to you, but to us its heartbreaking.