Numb

“Come on Kayla; come catch me if you can!”
Shane took off for the meadow that was only
a few hundred yards away. His jet black hair
becoming smooth against his head. The sun set
behind his silhouette as he turned to look at me
was like nothing I’ve seen before. He grinned
that toothless grin and waved his small little hand
motioning for me to follow him. I stood there frozen
because my little brother, Shane had been dead for a year
now Eventually my feet got me where I wanted to go
and Shane stood in front of me.


“Shane, how…..how is any of this possible?!” I said all of
the emotions under the sun in my voice. He looked down
at his bare feet and wiggled them in the dirt. And he smiled
looking up at me he said “This is heaven…I’m free here.
I’m not numb…I feel everything. This is what life is all about”
Understanding what he meant I began to cry, and tried to hug him.
But instead of grabbing another human…I hugged nothing but
vapor in the wind. I backed up lost and confused. I wanted to touch
my brother again but I couldn’t

“I’m sorry” he said. “Don’t be it’s
not your fault.” He slowly backed away into the group of paper
birch trees that stood all alone. Something like fear in his eyes. “I’m sorry”
he cried again. “I’m sorry Kayla, I’m sorry” again and again he cried
making his way closer to the darkness of the trees. “No wait! Don’t leave,
come back, come back.” but by that time it was too late and I was left alone
in the meadow. My hand held out touching nothing but the vapor in the wind
It was just a dream the same dream I’ve had since the night of the accident.

My eyes opened and I lay in the comfort of my bed.
Darkness starting to slip away as the light from the
sun became dominant through out the room. The near
by robins began their morning song, early this was too.
I lay there, it had all been a dream… but it felt so real.
And oh how it felt to see my brother’s face again. Had
Sam truly been right? Was there such a thing as heaven?

It was while I was thinking this that a strange sensation came over
me. My heart stop pounding against my skin, my legs and arms I couldn’t
feel, my head becoming dizzy and light. I was numb. Numb because a certain
part of me has been missing for a long time. For a year to be exact. I never
said this before, but now I’m saying it now, my little brother was my life,
yeah he was annoying at times but nerve the less I loved
him more and more each day. And now that he was gone I felt
like face without a name, a child that has lost her way,
a heart that doesn’t have a home. But I’m still holding onto him.
Because I’m on my knees waiting for him to come back, waiting
for him to put that smile back on my face.


He was the one that was “numb” after the accident. That night
I was the only one to walk away. It was all my fault, I took my
eyes off the road for moment and looked what happened. I stole
my brother’s happiness, his future, his dreams, his life, my parents own happiness.
I tried to hold it on the road, but I jerked the wheel and hit the brakes, and then
it was like everything was in slow motion and on mute. Glass was flying everywhere,
my hair whirling around in my face, Shane’s face full of fear as he kept his eyes on me
the entire time. Then there were the sparks of red & orange and the screeching, and crunching of metal.

Then nothing, everything was still, as still as things can be when
you are upside down. I remember looking out of the half shattered windshield and seeing the flashing blue and red lights
of the cop cars, and the ambulance, the worrying whispers that were contained by the
caution tape. I was relived somewhat, until I looked over at Shane. His eyes were closed,
his lips silent, his body lay lifeless in the seat next to me. It was then that I knew that he was gone. And I began to cry not because of a few broken ribs but because my little brother was gone. I felt arms tugging at me and a shrugged them of violently.


“No that’s my brother! Shane!” I cried struggling to get unbuckled from my seat that was
Hanging from the floor that should have been on the bottom but was now on the top.
“No, no, I’m not leaving him, let me go, please I’m begging you! Let me go!” I screamed in between sobs. The paramedic pulled me out of the crushed up car, wrestling me to the ground, “It’s too late! He’s gone, he’s gone!” he said while picking me up his voice becoming more soothing, as I began to settle down, I knew he was right, but I couldn’t accept it. I looked into his eyes “Shane?” I said again. He shook his head rain falling off
The brim of his Twins baseball cap “no.” was all he said and he pulled me close.

It’s exactly one year after since the accident. It’s autumn now,
Shane’s favorite season. And here I stand in a black long jacket
blowing in the breeze, a pocket full of tissues that will be all gone
by the time I leave here. I long to talk to Shane again, but instead I
place a rose on Shane’s grave and talk to the wind. And cry some more.
But those old feeling comes up and I remember all the good times we’ve had.
And I smile as the sun peaks around the dark clouds and shine where I stand,
on Shane’s grave. And for a minute that I forgot that my
parents still loved me. The tissues have disappeared from my
pocket, and I dab my eyes with the back of my sleeve. Here
I go again feeling “numb”. Because it was on this exact day
that I killed my brother. I never meant to it was an accident,
and Shane knows that which gives me some peace in my heart.
And it is on this day from now and for the rest of my life that I
will be “numb”.


“Come on Kayla; come catch me if you can!”
Shane took off for the meadow that was only
a few hundred yards away. His jet black hair
becoming smooth against his head. The sun set
behind his silhouette as he turned to look at me
was like nothing I’ve seen before. He grinned
that toothless grin and waved his small little hand
motioning for me to follow him. And when I awoke
from this dream every night I would go back to sleep
with a smile on my face. Because when that dream
took place in my mind I wasn’t “numb” for those
few moments I was with my brother.