“Jon, stop!”
“You useless b****!”
“Please stop, you’re drunk! The kids are sleeping, please stop!”
Seeing her tossed around like a rag doll, limbs flying through the air. Screams and whimpers haunt the empty space in the house.
Leave my mommy alone, please leave her alone.
Pulling up to our little white house covered in plants, surrounded my corn fields and pure country. One figure leans up against the peeling paint on the back screen door. A familiar figure, an unwanted figure. I feel my face flush as if I had just seen a ghost, It was him…I can feel my inner three year old scratching to come out, I want to scream, kick, punch, anything to ward off the evil shadow lurking a few feet ahead of me. Three words pounding in my head, he was here. He was here to hurt us. He was here to tear apart our family. He was here…
I crawled over the front seat into the back, no way was I getting out of the car. He lazily swayed over to the passenger door to sit alongside of my mother. Lock the door I wanted to lock him out, not just out of the vehicle but out of my life.
Most kids have a father, someone that they rely on, trust, love. But not me. I have a father who neglects his children for a substance, I used to feel like I did something wrong, like everything was my fault. Growing up showed me a different side of the story than he had continued telling me throughout my childhood.
“Your mom keeps you away from me” he would repeat, and I believed him. I blamed my mom for all of his choices. As I aged, I saw him never trying, never caring. Yet I continued to blame my mom for his mistakes.
Staring at him now standing outside our car, I could see the substances taking a toll on his body. His once 6’2 structured body now was a hunched over bag of bones. His sunken in eyes distracted you from the scars of previous bar fights. This was not my father, this was not the father I once knew.
Time stopped when he grasped the door handle and slid into the passenger seat.
“Aren’t you going to say hi to your father?” my mom asked as I continued staring at the stranger in the passenger side. Doesn’t he want to leave?
“No.” came out of my mouth before I could think about keeping it in. The look my mom gave me made me want to melt into the backseat.
“No, I get it. She doesn’t have a reason to want to talk to me.” You’re right, I don’t. My brother came bolting out of the house, I’ve never seen him look so happy. He was barely into the car when he started the “I’ve missed you” saga.
I rolled my eyes and said “Why bother even trying, he will just leave again.”
“I would leave you too if you were my kid.” My brother’s words pierced right through my heart. Never will I forget those words that made me hate everyone in the car. The same words kept replaying in my head like a broken Cd player. After that, I just kept my mouth and ears closed while he continued talking about getting his life back together, and how we could all be a happy family. I knew those words were lies, they had all been said before.
“I’ve sober for a month now” he said.
Lies, lies, lies.
Maybe that was the truth, maybe he had been sober for a month, but what about the 16 years of my life that he wasn’t sober? After being secured in a small car that I had no interest in being in, we took off to the mall. I watched the landscape roll on like a videotape that seemed to never end, thinking about the possibility of just rolling out of the car. I’d be fine right? Just a couple scratches. Silence filled the car for quite some time, everyone soaking in the feeling of being a “family”.
Arriving at the mall, I jumped out of the car faster than it could stop. One thing was for sure, if I had to be there with them, I would not be there by him. Every echoing laugh that came out of him made me hate him more, how could he be happy? You can’t walk out of someone’s life and come back like nothing ever happened. Why didn’t he understand that abandoning your child is not something you can just forgive and forget?
“Are you hungry Peanut?” my father asked drifting towards me. I stared in disbelief, trying to hold back that inner three old jumping inside me.
“No, I’m fine.” I knew that statement was a lie, my stomach was flipping around inside of me. I stared down at the floor while the marble colored flooring turn to a blur. I just wanted to go home. Old memories of my old father, the one I knew, flashed my vision. His famous chicken and dumpling soup that warmed my stomach so many nights, our old happy family together. Those memories were soon interrupted by the horrible ones, left to watch my little brother while my dad lay passed out on the couch, walking to the liquor store so he could waste away some more time, him beating my mom when he would get home from bars. The bad could overtake the good in a matter of seconds, because there were only a few good ones. I floated emotionlessly around the mall for the rest of those dreadful hours, while everyone else’s faces glowed with smiles of happiness and successful shopping.
My feet throbbed fearing walking anymore as we all lurched into the car, I’d walk home to be away from my father but I could guaranteed my feet would fall off before I made it to the road so I accepted the ride. I watched my dad’s head bob up and down as we grinded over the rough bumps of the highway. “Did you have a good time at the mall Peanut?”
don’t respond
“I’m surprised you didn’t eat anything the entire time we were there, you’ve got to be starving.”
Don’t respond.
He would try anything to get me to speak to him, but he didn’t deserve the light of the day, especially not from me I was not about to fall for this trick like everyone else already had.
“Mom, Dad’s going to his house right?” I blurted out ignoring the fact that he was sitting in the seat in front of me, His muscles tensed when I asked.
“Well, your grandmother is sick. So he’ll be staying in our house for a while.” Of course, because he needs somewhere to stay, he’ll leave when hes fat and well fed.
“Don’t expect me to be home, I’ll go sleep in the field.” I was completely serious about that motion, I’d rather sleep in a field with mice and spiders then be anywhere near my father. I almost didn’t recognize myself speaking.
“Taylor, that’s enough you are being completely unreasonable. You’re staying at home, in the house. Fight with me anymore about this and you’re grounded.” My mother had a stern tone and complete seriousness in her eyes.
“I haven’t done anything to you.” My dad repeated after her. I felt myself burn up inside, like somebody set a bomb off inside of me, I wanted to explode. You’re right, you haven’t done anything to me, you haven’t done anything for me either. Nothing but a sperm donor.
“You haven’t done anything to me?! You haven’t done anything to us?! No, you haven’t been in our life and when you come back into it it’s because you have nowhere to go. Once there is some other place to go then you’re up and gone out of our life again. You’re right, you haven’t done anything dad. You can’t do anything because you aren’t in our lifes.” My voice carried throughout the car turning everyone’s head around. When I could no longer stand looking at the car full of staring people I realized we were at home, I pushed my way through the door and scratch at our front door till it opened. Sprinting upstairs almost tripping over the dog sprawled out on the carpet like a black and white rug, while I locked myself away from the outside world.