My name is Alisha Edwards and this is my story. It all started in 4th grade with my sister and dad. My dad got into a huge fight with my sister over really nothing, there was hair pulling, dragging, and screaming. I was just sitting in the living room wondering why this is all happening. Then the cops were called and my sister was told she had to leave with all her stuff. I was so devastated because we were so close and she just turned on all of us. And that’s when she said “Alisha don’t worry I’ll get you out.” I just stood there looking at her shaking my head up and down, but I really just wanted her to stay but that couldn’t happen. Then I ran to my room as soon as she left I just looked out the window as she left. That’s when I picked up a blade and started cutting my arm. And I really didn’t know what that was till I read more about it on the computer. I found out from reading that a lot of people do it, it’s not a healthy way to get out your anger and frustration but it’s what was working for me I just kept on cutting and it was helping me get through all of the hurt in my life.

Things started to get a lot better so I stopped for a while. That was until 5th grade my dad was going crazy I was just so scared for and of him. So I started to cut again and I was getting deeper with this cutting thing. Then my dad tried to kill himself and that just pushed me over the edge to wear if he wasn’t around I didn’t want to be so I called 911 and they took him away. And I was crying my eyes out. Then my mom and I were told that he would be ok. My mom and I went to visit him every day to see how he was and my mom was just heart broken. It’s like she wasn’t the same anymore. Then after a month my dad was released from the hospital and life was pretty normal after that. My family was back to normal and happy.

I wasn’t cutting for about 3 months but it started again because I was getting bullied so much. I told my parents and they called my school but it just got a lot worse for me. I just didn’t know what to do anymore so I kept on cutting and just didn’t want to stop. But then in 6th grade I told only one person and that was my old best friend Julia Santiago. I told her not to tell anyone but she told the counselor at the school, but there was no sign of cutting on my arms so they didn’t do anything about It, and I was glad and I knew I couldn’t trust her again I was so mad at her for a while. One day she came up to me and said “I’m sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” I told her “I’m not sure.” But after I thought about it I was like “ok I guess I can forgive you.” Then we were back to our old selves but I didn’t tell her anything important after that.

The in 7th Julia and I went our separate ways, she hung out with the preps and I was with a mixed group of people and that’s where I met my new friend Becky Smith. We became really good friends and we did everything together, but I wasn’t happy and she could tell and she kept asking what was wrong and I told her nothing I’m ok. But later that day she asked do you want to spend the night and I told her sure. So I went home and asked my dad and he said “ok. But I have to meet the parents first” and I said “ok that’s fine.” So my dad and her parents talked what seemed like forever but it wasn’t it was like 20 min. or so. Then he finally left and me and Becky had lots of fun then I had to get dressed for bed so I went to the bathroom and changed and Becky asked “why did you go to the bathroom and change? You could have changed in my room.” I said “I just didn’t want to get changed in here.” So I went to bed and Becky saw the cuts on my leg she’s like “what is that” and I told her “nothing” and she said “that doesn’t look like nothing. What’s going on you can tell me anything.” So I told her everything that was going on and she just held me and I started to cry and she said “it will be ok I promise.” I asked “how do you know that?” she said “I just do.” And then we just got into a big discussion on how I feel and she had me go talk to her mom and her mom didn’t know what to say. All I said was “please don’t tell my parents. Please.” And her mom said “don’t worry I won’t. But I think you need to talk to someone.” I said “but I really don’t want to.” She said “if you need anything you can come talk to me.” “ok.” I said. I was fine after that I didn’t do for a while after that.

Then 8th grade my best friend Becky Smith was getting farther and farther away. I don’t know why but we just kept getting farther away. So I asked her and she said her mom didn’t want her talking to me anymore. I’m thinking to myself I shouldn’t have said one thing damn thing to her and she wouldn’t have said anything to her mom. And Becky told me she was really sorry. I just told her don’t worry about I still love you as my friend and sister. That’s when I started cutting again and I just got deeper and I was just in a hypnoses when I did it after I was done I had no idea what I was doing. Then I got a boyfriend and we were dating for 9 months and we were happy well that’s what I thought. But I found out he was cheating on me with Becky and I got so mad. And we were supposed to go to the 8th grade dance together but he took her instead and I was so pissed off. I almost ended up getting into a fist fight with her. But I just didn’t want to get kicked out. We just went our separate ways and that was that.

In 9th grade freshman year I was getting better but not as good as I wanted to I didn’t have that many friends in 9th grade but I was making a few. And then i met my best friend Angel Castro and we ended up being best friends and we were there for each other and she ended up finding out that I was cutting and she got so upset but she didn’t say anything right away. But after a month she saw they were getting worse and she said something she asked “are you ok?” I answered “why wouldn’t I be?” Angel just said “well…..” I was like “well what?” and she said “well I saw some marks on your leg and I was just wondering why they are there.” “What marks?” I questioned. “the ones on your leg. See!” she said. I told her “that I was cutting myself.” “Why would you do that?” she asked while she was crying. I just told her everything that was going on with my mood how I was depressed and that I wasn’t a happy person and that when I get around my parents that I get really upset. She asked my “why what’s going on?” I told her “they fight all the time I can’t handle it anymore.” She said “I’m so sorry.” I told her “it was ok. I’ll get through it.” And from that point on we became really great friends. But I ended up going to the counselors office and I told them. They had to call my parents and my parents had to make me an appt. with a therapist. And I wasn’t too happy about that but it helped a lot.
In 10th grade 1st semester was a better year because I found out who my real friends were and weren’t. I found out Angel was my real friend and I was so happy about that and still am. And then I ended up telling my therapist that I was cutting and she asked “why do you cut?” and I’m like “I just want to get read of the pain in my life.” She said “that’s no way to deal with your pain.” But in my mind I’m like I don’t know any other way to get out my pain, anger, and frustration. She said I want to see you in one week. I asked “how long do I have to come here?” she said “until I think you are better.” And I just had to go along with it. Then after a while I started to warm up to her and told her how I was felling how that I wanted to die and not to live. Then she said “there is a place I can send you to help you.” I told her “no ill be ok.” And she said “I want to see you next week.” Then I was ok after that and I was still upset but not as bad. But I have some many people I can talk to. As I was thinking that. Then I had to go see a Physiatrist and she said that I was depressed and I had to be on meds and that I might not need to be on the for my life but they will help me with what I’m going through right now.

In the end I’m still struggling with my depression and cutting but I am getting threw it each day. And trying to find ways to not cut. And it’s hard but I do it. And I still see a therapist but I’m so comfortable with her I just can tell her anything.

P.S. To anyone who cuts please don’t it’s not worth it I have ugly scares and I don’t know how I’m going to tell my husband or kids about them.