“No” I screamed but it didn’t drown out the pain, anger, and emptiness. Every night it was the same thing, same dream or rather nightmare, same reoccurring hurt. Every night I had to face the fact that I couldn’t help, wouldn’t help, didn’t help and every night the pain from that realization got more and more unbearable. How many times… do I have to relive this nightmare, witness her death? How many times do I have to relive or rather re-die that day?
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It was about 7:45 a.m. on a foggy Saturday morning. Rachel and her mom were outside in the car waiting for me to find my cleats so we could get to the soccer game on time. By the time I found my cleats, put them on, and ran outside to the car we were already running late. Knowing that I had caused us to be late I suggested that we take the short cut or back roads. Which we did. On the way we sat in the car talking about what we were going to do after the season ended and watching as the fog thickened as we neared the lake.
We didn’t stop till the three- way intersection which was the only turn we had to make. We stopped for a second and without seeing anything coming Rachel’s mom started to make the right hand turn but was stopped short when she saw the headlights appear out of nowhere directly beside us. She started to back up but it was already too late the semi had already smashed into the passenger side of the car, where I was sitting.
Time seemed to stand still as the glass shattered, metal broke, tires squealed, and screams were cried out. I heard Rachel scream next to me, her mom trying to stay clam in the front, and me… I was crying, just like everyone else I was crying. I could feel the little pieces of glass stabbing into me but for some reason I felt no real pain from it.
Rachel’s screams next to me suddenly got louder and then quit all together. I looked to the left of me and saw her but I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to see the metal plate lodged in her neck. I didn’t want to see the blood flowing from the wound. I didn’t want to see the look of pain in her eyes. Why? Why, would I? I reached over and grabbed her hand and there was nothing else left that I could do.
My right should was pinned against the seat by the bent up door and my legs… Why couldn’t I move my legs? They had to be stuck but I didn’t know where. Why did this happen to me? Why does this always happen to me? I suddenly became angry. Why because all this time had went by and there was still no sign of any ambulance.
I remember thinking over and over… Where are the ambulances? They should have been here! Don’t they know that Rachel is slowing bleeding to death? Don’t they know that I am bleeding? Wait I’m bleeding? Where? How? Since when? That’s when the pain really hit. My shoulder was screaming with pain, blood was flowing down my arm and back, my shirt was soaked. I couldn’t scream my voice was caught. I couldn’t cry my eyes were dry, there were no tears.
I looked down at my right shoulder and saw the blood rushing from it but I didn’t know where it was coming from exactly. I felt dizzy and my vision began to blur but at least I could hear. I could hear the distant sirens get closer and closer but they never seemed close enough. That was when I blacked out. The pain had just become unbearable and seemed to rush upon me all at once.
I woke up later in the ambulance where there were three paramedics trying to stop my bleeding. They barely even noticed I was up but when they did a lady named Veronica stopped working to talk to me. She tried to explain to me what happened but I didn’t want to hear. She tried to comfort me but I didn’t want comforting. All I wanted was for the pain to stop, for the screaming sirens to stop, for all the talking to stop but it wouldn’t, it couldn’t. All I wanted was for what just happened to never have happened, for this all to be erased.
When we reached the hospital I blacked out again and when I woke up I was in a white room. I didn’t know where I was and there were millions of questions that were running through my head. Where am I? What am I doing here? Why does my shoulder hurt? Where is Rachel? That’s when it hit me. That last question where is Rachel? I could remember everything but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay ignorant for the rest of my life. I never wanted to know what happened to me, to Rachel’s mom, to Rachel. Never.
The doctor came in and explained to me what happened but I refused to listen, I couldn’t listen. I tried to cover my ears but I could lift up my arms. My right arm was completely unmovable and would be for a while due to my shoulder injury. My left arm had a tube going into it pumping blood through it to the rest of my body.
Rachel’s mom came in to see how I was doing. I notice that she had a huge bruise on her head and arm and small cuts from the glass but other than that she looked fine. I could tell that she had been crying though. And she started to cry even more when she seen me hooked up to the machines. I told her that I was fine but that wasn’t the truth, I just didn’t want her to cry. Not over me I wasn’t worth her tears. I wasn’t worth anyone’s tears and I never would be.
“Where’s Rachel?” I choked out, through the tears I was holding in.
“She’s in the ER. They are afraid that she won’t make it. She had a piece of metal lodged in her neck.” Rachel’s mom said trying to stay strong.
“I want to go see her” I said as I started trying to get up.
“I don’t think that is the best idea, Makala. You’re not in the best condition yourself. You need to rest and gain your strength.” The doctor said.
“No I am going to see her.” I said as I somehow got free of the machines giving me blood. I ran down the hall. Somehow I knew where the ER room was. I burst into the room and ran to Rachel’s side and grabbed her hand and started to cry. This was all my fault. I suggested that we take the short cut. I made her try out for soccer. I made us late that day.
“Please forgive me” I whispered.
“It’s not your fault” came the shaky reply. I knew that she had forgiven me but I would never forgive myself it was my fault.
Then all the machines in the room simultaneously screamed the same constant BEEEEEEEEEEEEP… She was gone forever. I stepped back as the doctors, nurses, and everyone else in the room rushed around trying in vain to bring her back. My doctor came into the room and forgetting about my shoulder placed her hand on my shoulder. I realized then that this whole time my right arm had been unmovable and was just hanging there as if it had no purpose at all. But the pain from just that small, gentle touch was excruciating and made me black out once again.
When I woke up later I had forgotten that Rachel had died and kept asking her mom about her. Her mom tried to explain that she was gone forever but I refused to believe and just kept on talking about her which made her mom cry even more. Then the doctor came in next to try to explain what happened.
“Makala, Rachel isn’t coming back! She passed away from a wound that she obtained during the crash. Don’t you remember?” The doctor said trying to be patient with my persistent ignorance.
Rachel’s mom came over and showed me some pictures of the crash and of us during the crash. That was when everything rushed over me again. She was gone. My best friend was gone forever and it was all my fault. I couldn’t take it anymore. I could no longer hold back the tears that were now streaming down my face soaking my clothing.
I blamed the doctors for her death but they tried their best. I blamed the truck driver but he didn’t see us and we didn’t see him. I blamed the fog but it was just a part of nature and has no real responsibility. I blamed everyone and everything but all the while the finger that I was pointing was still my own. Deep down I knew that it was my entire fault. She was gone because of me. She was never coming back and I was to blame. “Please forgive me.” I repeated, “Please.” I hated her for leaving. I hated everyone and everything. I just didn’t understand why this had to happen to me. Of all the people in the world why me? I will never be able to live with this pain. Why couldn’t I have died too just to save me from this misery? Why? The biggest question of all… why?
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Sitting there in bed I could feel the pain in my shoulder and knee from the crash. I could feel the pain from where they placed the blood tube in my arm. I could see the pain that was in Rachel’s eyes that day. I could see the blood on my arm and legs. I could hear the sirens but none of this stuff was real. There was no real pain, no real blood, no real sirens it was all in my head and I couldn’t push it away. Never!