“I will protect you.” These words, the ones I said back then, as I held her tightly to my chest. I remember her smiling face with a blush glowing off her cheeks, her long auburn hair resting on her back. My words from back then echo lifelessly through my bleak mind. In a single moment, those words became just another lie. In this moment, I’ve become a monster unworthy of life, unworthy of any happiness. I am just another piece of trash waiting to be thrown away. At the time I said that promise, I remember her head resting on my chest as she listened to my rapid heartbeat. From the deepest part of my heart, I told the most genuine truth of my life.

“I love you.” I said with tenderness I didn’t think possible. These words carried more weight than the Earth itself. It was an earnest feeling, clear to me as the center of an ocean. Only a moment later, these words were repeated back to me. A joy I had never felt filled my body, warming my frozen soul.

That time feels like nothing but a distant dream, only attainable through sleep. Her eyes, once showing the same joy I felt, now only show tears of pain. A pain inflicted by me, by these hands, hands capable of construction and destruction. The painful look in her eyes pierces through my heart. This pain is worse than any physical pain I had ever felt. My legs tremble as she slowly rises to her feet, her auburn hair falling into her face. Her body emits a feeling toward me that I fear more than anything, especially from her. I did something I could never take back, never redeem myself. I wanted to take it back. I… I just… I want to die at this moment, it was what I deserve. Somewhere in my mind, I knew it was futile to try to redeem myself, yet without thinking, my voice quietly leaps out of my throat.

“M-Maggie, I didn’t-“my voice is interrupted by a loud clap and a strong swing of her arm as her hand contacts my face. My head twists to the right and stays in this position for a while. My eyes finally center on her teary eyes, my head following shortly after. She brushes her auburn hair to the side as she takes a breath. Please don’t say it.

“I-I…” she says, her voice trembling. Please, please don’t say it. Please don’t say it.

“I.” she says, calming her voice as tears roll down her cheeks.

Please don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say those words. Please, please just don’t say it. I don’t want to hear you say it. A single tear drops out my right eye. Don’t. Please don’t. Don’t do this.

“I hate you.” She says in a cold tone. Maggie runs off into the school building.

My world shakes and shatters. Everything goes blank. My sight, my sound, my smell, my taste, my touch, my mind, all of it, goes blank. It hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts, but there is no blood. Why does it hurt if there is no blood? The pain in my chest won’t go away. Why is it there if there is no blood on my chest? I want it to go away. I want it to go away, but it won’t leave me. My world is gone, thrown further than I could reach. I feel nothing but the pain in my heart. The pain that reminds me I still breathe. I move my gaze to the sky. The Earth is still rotating even though my world has stopped. Why is that? It’s as if the world taunts me like an insect.

“Classes are about to begin.” A tall man announces to the court yard. The world is trying to pull me back, but it’s too late, my mind is gone. My body lifelessly moves toward the school building, as if only out of habit. I drag my feet to class with every step putting me on the edge of tripping. I enter the class that I attended with her, the girl herself being nowhere in sight. The day became a blur. I didn’t answer when people talked to me, I even skipped lunch. With every passing blank moment, I loathed myself more and more. I no longer deserved life. I want to just die in a dark corner, where no one would remember me, so that she could forget about me and lose those pain stricken eyes. Her words continued to repeat in my head like a siren. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you, please die.

When I finally came to, the smell of steam filled the small apartment I had been staying in.

“Xavier, is that you?” A male voice says, echoing from the kitchen. I remain in silence. “Dad won’t be home until late, so I’m making dinner tonight; two boxes of Mac and cheese, one for me, and one for you. The little two can fend for themselves.” He says jokingly. I continue my silence as I hang my bag on the wall. A head pops out of the kitchen. The face belongs to my older brother Jeremy. Aside from my scars and his long hair our faces are practically identical. He quickly loses his silly grin after seeing my face.

“Tell me what happened.” He says in a serious tone. I tell him the details of what unfolded as he cooks dinner. After he finished cooking we sat on the couch together. We sat in silence for a while, staring at the black TV screen.

“How do you feel now?” Jeremy asks, finally breaking the silence.

“I want to fade from this world.” I say, “I want to fade and die.” That’s right; I think to myself, it’s the only way to repent for what I’ve done. Only then, maybe I could be forgiven by her. Maybe she will-

“Coward.” He says sternly, breaking my thoughts.

“What?” I say as I clench my fist.

“You heard me; I said you’re a coward.”

I swing my clenched fist into his face, throwing him into the ground. I quickly grab his collar and prepare to punch him again.

“It’s your fault.” I stop in my tracks. He gives me a look as if my punch didn’t even faze him. “Dying now and leaving your problems unsolved, that’s the same as running away!” I grit my teeth as I hold his collar tighter.

“I’m not running away! I didn’t want it to be like this. I just want to go back to the way it was, I wanted it to stay like that forever!” I say as my eyes begin to water.

“It was bound to happen,” he says, grabbing my wrist as he stands up, “Life changes, if this didn’t happen, something else would have.”

“How could you, possibly know that?! How could you say something you know nothing about?!” I yell. Jeremy calmly takes a deep breath.
“No one knows what will happen in the world, we can only speculate. However, I believe that whatever needs to happen, will happen.” He says in a calm tone, “Change is always necessary.”

“You’re saying that this needed to happen? So there is no way to fix this?” I ask as my heart drops, “Any such effort… would be meaningless?” My heart slowly begins to fade as I let go of his collar.

“Even though the past can’t change, you can still change the future.” He says. The future; that thought never crossed my mind. I had forgotten such a thing even existed because I had filled my mind with the past.

“Then someday my chances to change something will come if I just wait?” I ask.

“How Naïve; just waiting won’t do anything.”

“Then what should I do?”

“That is your decision to make. Will you reforge your bonds? Or will you let them remain shattered?” He walks away, leaving his words to echo through my mind.

Maggie didn’t return to school for a few days. When she returned, she didn’t even so much as look at me. She would chat with her friends, and go through the days like she normally would, minus me of course. We didn’t say a single word to each other, but that was fine with me. I made my decision. I decided that the only way I could redeem myself is by sticking to my original promise.

A year had passed in a flash. I gaze at the clouds as they pass through the sky. It was a study hall, and I got the habit of staring at the sky during my free time. The sky always put me at ease. My promise from back then flows through my mind.

I will protect you, Maggie. I smile as I think of bittersweet memories. I never had the courage to tell her my decision, but it wasn’t necessary to do so.

“Xavier!” I turn to see who called my name. A boy standing at the door waves me over. An overly excited expression is plastered to his face. I shake my head as I stand up. I look toward the group of girls that are chatting in the front of the classroom. In the back of the group stands a girl with long auburn hair. She stops talking and her eyes fix on mine. We stare at each other for only a moment. I smile a gentle smile.
She smiles back.