When I was younger, I would always play with barbies, and Bratz dolls. I would look at them, and think that I’d look like that when I was older. I had to be thin, I had to have long hair, and I had to be able to keep a boyfriend. I would sit at my kitchen table, fiddling with my stick thin barbie dolls, and I would stare at my cereal bowl. I would swirl my silver blues clues spoon that I had had since I was 4, in the chocolate milk, knowing deep down that Barbie, being as thin as she was, would never in a million years eat something that fattening. My stomach would growl, and because I was so hungry, I would shovel the spoon of coco puffs into my mouth. When all the cereal had disappeared I would stare at the left over milk and cereal particles and the guilt would grow in the pit of my stomach. I would pour the leftovers down the sink, and go in the bathroom to make sure I looked presentable enough to go to school. I’d turn sideways, hold my breath, suck in my stomach, and admire the flatness. When I couldn’t hold my breath anymore I’d breathe out, and the disappointment would start flowing back. One day... I’d say to myself. One day I’ll be skinny.

About 3 minutes later I’d head down the stairs and out the door, and waddle my way to the bus stop. I’d get on the bus turning sideways to fit through the aisle, while simultaneously being conscious that the students in front of me did not have to turn sideways. I’d sigh, and slide into a seat closer to the front so that I wouldn’t have to go through it again when getting off. I’d walk into my class, greet my teacher with my head down, and sit towards the back so people wouldn’t hear my seat creak under the mass of my weight, as my fat, oozed over the seat.I’d hear teachers talking about how my mom should have never let me get that big. I’d tear up and keep trudging down the narrow hallway. When our class would go to gym class, everyone would be so excited to go, to run in the field and on the track. But me, I’d walk in gym, because I couldn’t run without starting an asthma attack. I’d see the gym teachers face, pressed into a frown, her head shaking, at such an out of shape child like my self. She’d yell, “Run Autumn, push yourself!” I’d jog for about five steps and then I’d keep walking. One day, I decided I was tired of being the fat kind, and I ran, and I pushed myself just as she had suggested. and I saw a light on that gym teachers face, I saw her newfound hope for me, which made me want to push harder. I realized my breath was becoming short. My throat felt constricted, but I assumed it’d go away. But after gym class, our group proceeded to walk to math class, and I was still out of breath. I began to wheeze harder, sand harder. When eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and began to get light headed. I tapped my teachers hand and she looked down at me to see my grayish blue lipsShe finally saw that I was having an asthma attack. I had to go to the hospital, where I stayed in the ICU for a week. I sat there in the ICU bed and I literally had dreams about being thin. About being like the other girls I saw in class. I thought about talking to my mom about losing weight but she would simply do what she always did. She’d tell me that I didn’t need to worry, I’m beautiful the way I am, and that I’ll simply never be skinny like those other girls.

After the Asthma attack had been suppressed, and my life had returned back to normal. I had woken up, gotten dressed and sat at the table next to my bowl of freshly poured coco puffs. As I fiddled with my Barbie dolls hair, and stared at her stick thin body, allowing my cereal to get soggy. I could feel that something was different. I put the doll down, and left my cereal on the table. I got on the bus, and sat in my usual seat. When I went to class, my fat oozed as usual. In gym class, the teacher didn’t even acknowledge me. She just let me walk. I would hear the teachers whisper that I couldn’t blame my weight on my asthma, but that was usual as well, but when I finally got home, I looked in the mirror and finally realized what had been different today. This time when I looked in the mirror I thought to myself.. It’ll never happen. I sighed. I’ll never be skinny.