A few years back, I went through a phase that lasted for months…. A phase that centered around the concept of death. The thought of death and afterlife was, and still is, too much for my mind to grasp. I don't think it's so much death itself, as opposed to the time that moves on afterwards. Time is never-ending, and I think that's what petrifies me the most. People say "that's why you have to live life to the fullest", but as I've already explained…. I don't think death scares me. I'm willing to die. I loathe time.

One of my favorite teachers of all time, my creative writing teacher, told me each individual life is a flame on the timeline. My death/time phase ended somewhere during sophomore year, but when he lectured us about this concept less than a year ago…. the memory came back to haunt me. I'll never forget about the fact that my life is a "flake". It's even smaller than that actually. It's more like a speck.

It rarely occurs to me that when I turn eighteen next month, my childhood will be over. I'll be an adult, a middle aged woman, eventually a senior citizen, then…. Dead. That's my life, and what's scary is that when you're dead, all of the memories in one's mind disappears. It's as if I never had a life. This is honestly how I feel, and the sad part is no one can help me through it.

It's almost shocking that somebody with these thoughts is willing to die right away. I've attempted suicide a few times, yet I'm not willing to see the day I'm gone for good…. Ironic…. I'll never understand how I can be completely careless about ending my life, yet I panic sometimes when afterlife becomes a topic. I'd love to become a zombie though, or a ghost. A ghost would be pretty neat. If I was to be excited about anything in my afterlife, it would be transforming into a zombie or a ghost.

To sum up and end what I am trying to say after before life, after life, and any other concept revolving around death, it's utterly petrifying when one over thinks it the way I do. There are always ways to make everything easier though, and we can never spend life dreading what could happen any time now. Any time now….