“No” I screamed but it didn’t drown out the pain, anger, or the hurt. Every night it was the same thing, same dream or rather nightmare, same reoccurring hurt. Every night I had to face the fact that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t help and every night the pain from that realization got more and more unbearable. How many times… do I have to recall this nightmare, witness her death? How many times do I have to relive or rather re-die that day?

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It was about 7:45 a.m. on a foggy Saturday morning. Everywhere you could see fog falling from the sky and then settling just above the ground. Rachel and her mom were outside in the car waiting for me to find my cleats. I couldn’t leave without them and I couldn’t miss the biggest soccer game of the season. I finally found them sitting by the door and ran out to the car. Knowing that we were running late we decided to take the short cut which meant that we were going the back way. On the way Rachel and I sat in the car talking about what we were going to do after the season ended and watching as the fog thickened as we neared the lake.

We didn’t stop until the three- way intersection the only stop that we would have to make before getting to the field. We stopped for a second and without seeing anything coming we continued making the right hand turn. But we were stopped short when we saw headlights appear through the thick fog. They seemed to have just appeared because no one could see them until it was too late. If we stopped we would have gotten hit. If we tried to back up we would have gotten hit. If we just sat there we would have gotten hit. Next thing we knew the semi had already smashed into the passenger side of the car with a loud Boom.

Time seemed to stand still as the glass shattered, metal broke, tires squealed, and screams were cried out. I heard Rachel scream next to me, her mom’s in the front, and mine. That was when I realized that I was crying, just like everyone else I was crying. I could feel the little pieces of glass stabbing into me but for some reason I felt no real pain from it. Probably because of the searing sudden pain in my shoulder and knee.

Rachel’s screams next to me suddenly got louder and then quit all together. I looked to the left of me and saw her but I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to see the metal plate lodged in her neck. I didn’t want to see the blood flowing from the wound. I didn’t want to see the blood bubbles that continued to rise to the surface and then pop. I didn’t want to see the look of pain in her eyes. Why? Why, would I? I reached over and grabbed her hand and knew there was nothing else left that I could do. I felt so worthless but knew that I could barely move or help myself let alone her.

My right should was pinned against the seat by the bent up door and my legs… Why couldn’t I move my legs? They had to be stuck but I didn’t know where. Why did this happen to me? Why does this kind of stuff always happen to me? I suddenly became angry. Why because all this time had passed by and there was still no sign of any ambulance.

I remember thinking over and over… Where are the ambulances? They should have been here! Don’t they know that Rachel is slowing bleeding to death? Don’t they know that I am bleeding? Wait I’m bleeding? Where? How? Since when? That’s when the pain really hit. My shoulder was screaming with pain, blood was flowing down my arm and back, my shirt was soaked. I knew that my knee had to be bleeding too because I could feel the warm blood flowing down my leg. All I could hope was that I wasn’t losing as much blood as thought I was because that blood meant my life and I wasn’t ready to die yet. I had too many things that I still wanted to do.

I wanted to scream to cry but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because scream my voice was caught. I couldn’t because cry my eyes were dry, there were no tears or at least that’s what it felt like. I looked down at my right shoulder and saw the blood rushing from and was scared that I would never be able to use it again. I felt dizzy and my vision began to blur but at least I could hear. I could hear the distant sirens get closer and closer but they never seemed close enough. I could hear Rachel struggling for breath and her weeping sighs next to me. I could hear the sobs of Rachel’s mom up front and knew that things were much worse than I could imagine. I knew that my life was about to change forever but wasn’t sure quite how. That was when I blacked out. The pain had just become so unbearable and seemed to rush upon me all at once.

I became half-conscious later in the ambulance where there were three paramedics trying to stop my bleeding, trying to get me breathing normally again, and trying to keep me from dying. They barely even noticed I had opened my eyes. I moaned softly and realized just how miserable sounded. One of the paramedics whose name tag said Veronica (I think) continued to check my pulse and injuries while trying to comfort me knowing now that I was awake. She kept telling me to be calm and I really didn’t know why. I couldn’t remember anything. I wanted to say something so bad but couldn’t. All I wanted was for the pain to stop, for the screaming sirens to stop, for all the talking to stop but it wouldn’t, it couldn’t. Finally I it became too much again and the interior of the ambulance went blurry and then finally black.

The next time that I woke up I was in the hospital room barley aware of who I was. I didn’t know where I was and it took me a second before I realized my name and where I was. But there were still millions of questions that were running through my head. Like what am I doing here? Why does my shoulder hurt? Why does my knee hurt? Why can’t I move? Where’s Rachel? That’s when it hit me. That last question where’s Rachel? I could remember everything but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay ignorant for the rest of my life. I never wanted to know what happened to me, to Rachel’s mom, to Rachel. Never. I wished that I could go back in time and change everything but knew I couldn’t.

The doctor came in and explained to me what happened but I refused to listen, I couldn’t listen. I tried to cover my ears but I could lift up my arms. My right arm was wrapped and completely unmovable. It would be for a while due to my shoulder injury. My left arm had a tube going into it pumping blood through it to the rest of my body. I hated to think about how pitiful I looked crying like I was with tubes and machines hooked up to me.

Rachel’s mom came in to see how I was doing. I notice that she had a huge bruise on her head and arm with small cuts from the glass all over but other than that she looked fine. I could tell that she had been crying though. She was trying to hold back the tears but it was impossible. She started to cry again when she seen me hooked up to the machines and all bandaged up with scratches and cuts all over. She asked me how I felt. I told her that I was fine but that wasn’t the truth, I just didn’t want her to cry. Not over me I wasn’t worth her tears. I wasn’t worth anyone’s tears and I never would be.

“Where’s Rachel?” I choked out, more in a moan than in words. I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes.

“She’s in the ER. They are afraid that she won’t make it,” She paused to catch her breath before continuing, “She had a piece of metal lodged in her neck.”

“I want to go see her” I said as I started trying to get up but my right arm wouldn’t cooperate. Finally I managed to sit up.

“I don’t think that is the best idea, Makala. You’re not in the best condition yourself. You need to rest and gain your strength. Plus I am not sure that you will be able to walk on your knee.” The doctor said.

“No I am going to see her.” I said as I got free of the machines ripping my skin. I limped and stumbled down the hall. I knew where the ER room was because I had been in the hospital before. I burst into the room and hobbled over to Rachel’s side and grabbed her hand and started to cry. The nurses were trying to pull me away but I wasn’t about to let go.This was all my fault. I suggested that we take the short cut. I made her try out for soccer. I made us late that day.

“Please forgive me” I whispered.
“It’s … not… your… fault…” came the shaky choked out reply. I knew that she had forgiven me but I would never forgive myself it was my fault.

Then all the machines in the room simultaneously screamed the same constant BEEEEEEEEEEEEP… She was gone forever. I stepped back as the doctors, nurses, and everyone else in the room rushed around trying in vain to bring her back. The more I stood there the more gray and dark the room became. It felt like I was no longer in the room but I was and was very much aware of what was going on. My doctor came into the room and forgetting about my shoulder placed her hand on my shoulder. I realized then that this whole time my right arm had been unmovable and was just hanging there as if it had no purpose at all. But the pain from just that small, gentle touch was excruciating and made me black out once again. I felt myself fall back and then felt arms encircling me but was no longer aware of what was going on.

When I woke up later I had forgotten that Rachel had died and kept asking her mom about her. Her mom tried to explain that she was gone forever but I refused to believe and just kept on talking about her which made her mom cry even more. Then the doctor came in next to try to explain what happened.

“Makala, Rachel isn’t coming back! She passed away from a wound that she obtained during the crash. Don’t you remember?” The doctor said trying to be patient with my persistent ignorance.

Rachel’s mom came over and hugged me and then sat down on the edge of the bed holding my hand. I wished that I could just leave the hospital and go home. That was when everything rushed over me again. She was gone. My best friend, my sister was gone forever and it was all my fault. I couldn’t take it anymore. I could no longer hold back the tears that were now streaming down my face soaking my clothing.

I blamed the doctors for her death but they tried their best. I blamed the truck driver but he didn’t see us and we didn’t see him. I blamed the fog but it was just a part of nature and has no real responsibility. I blamed everyone and everything but all the while the finger that I was pointing was still my own. Deep down I knew that it was my fault but yet there was nothing that I could have done. She was gone because of me. She was never coming back and I was to blame.

“Please forgive me.” I repeated, “Please.” I hated her for leaving. I hated everyone and everything. I just didn’t understand why this had to happen to me. Of all the people in the world why me? I will never be able to live with this pain. Why couldn’t I have died too just to save me from this misery? Why? The biggest question of all… why?

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Sitting there in bed I could feel the pain in my shoulder and knee from the crash. I could feel the pain from where they placed the blood tube in my arm. I could see the pain that was in Rachel’s eyes that day. I could see the blood on my arm and legs. I could hear the sirens but none of this stuff was real. There was no real pain, no real blood, no real sirens it was all in my head and I couldn’t push it away. Never! I sat there running my fingers along the scars on my shoulder and knee and with tears running down my face.