If I could describe myself in one word, that word would be "lost." No , I'm not physically lost, I just don't exactly know who I am anymore.

What does it mean to be me? Should I be the girl that everyone thinks I am- someone that doesn't care about anything- or allow myself to get hurt, and the girl that no one knows about, the girl that's trying to become something. I want to do something more, I want to be understood through the words that escape my lips; I want to be seen past my black skin, and I want to be taken seriously even if my ideas seem nearly impossible.

I don't want to rely on hope, I want to be freed from the hold that pain has on me and those around. I want to find myself past the memories that she left. I want to forget everything: I want to forget that my biological mother decided to allow her boyfriend to hurt me, I want to forget that she chose drugs over her own daughter, and I want to forget that she believed that "I'm sorry" would make the pain go away. She didn't say "I love you," or "I care about you," or "I wish I could take it back," just "I'm sorry."

As a matter of fact I had to beg her just to play "Candy Land" with me, and for what? Nothing, absolutely nothing. The only thing it did was hurt me even more.

I need something more, something that will actually ease the pain. I need something more than constant apologies.