I had sent him an email. I do this all the time, nagging him to do various things such as remind me what the math homework was, or asking him to send me some pictures that he had taken. Most of these requests went unanswered. He lived across the hall from me at the boarding school where we attend, so I very well could have knocked at his door and asked him in person, but my fear of rejection was too strong.

At least with internet interactions I would not have to hear him say “No, why would I want to do that.” These trivial little tasks that I asked him to do were the glue holding this once strong friendship together. I read somewhere that when you ask someone for small favors and they do them, that the person who did the favor would end up feeling closer to the person who had asked for it. I did not know if it actually worked, but I was desperate to repair what I then thought was the best thing I ever had.
It ended on a bad note. My passion for him was strong. His indifference towards me was painful. Hurtful things were said and done in response to my “I love you.” It has been over a year since these events transpired, but I still cannot get over the pain it caused me. That does not mean that I was not naïve enough to fall for him all over again.
The email I sent said:
“Hey,
So we have this Spanish test tomorrow over the Sports/Olympic vocab. I’m probably going to study in the dorm around 8 tonight. Let me know if you want to study with me.”
After sending this I had just hung out in my room, too nervous to do any real work. I looked up our vocabulary words in the back of our Spanish textbook and decided to create some flashcards for them. I thought about doing it the old fashioned way using paper and pencil and then remembered that I had an app for that. I created flashcards for every word on the page, making countless typos as my hands were shaking slightly. I was not sure if they were shaking out of nervousness or fear of rejection, but shake they did.
After finishing the flashcards I checked the clock. The big blocky red numbers 8:05 were projected on the screen, flashing like a big electronic slap in the face. I sighed and started going through the flashcards on my own. I was Swiveling in the blue swivel chair in my room. Aimlessly wheeling it around the room bored out of my mind. I was half way through the second run through of the flashcards when he came in with a bang.
I rolled out from behind the door he had just slammed on me and looked at him, grinning, his blue eyes lighting up from what he had accidently just done.
“Hey, are you still up for studying?” He said
“Yeah, sounds cool to me.” I replied
“Cool, can we do it in my room? I have a fan going and it’s hot as hell in here.”
“Sure.” I said grabbing my Spanish book and iPad and following him out the door.
As a rule of mine, I almost never go into his room. It just seems too strange being alone with him on his turf. In our meetings I usually like to have the upper hand. His room has the same setup as everyone’s does, one desk, two beds, a desk chair, and two dressers, except that he bought a couch from the school. He sat down on one seat of the fading red couch and moved his guitar off of the other. I took my seat on the arm of the couch, not wanting to be that close to him.
“So how have you been?” He asked
“I’ve been pretty good, and you?” I responded taken aback by his uncharacteristic pleasantry.
“I’m doing pretty well.”
There was a tension in the room, at least on my end. I was starting to think that maybe this was a bad idea.
“So our test tomorrow is over the sports vocab right?” He asked
“Yeah, sports and Olympics, because we definitely need to know that before we know about food or clothes.” I said, joking about how are schools Spanish system has been messed up since our freshmen years. In three years of Spanish we have had six teachers.
“You know the page number?”
“I think it is 303, but I made flashcards if you would rather use those.”
“Of course you made flashcards.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, my eyes narrowing,
“Just that you are always on top of things like that. You can sit on the actual couch, you know. He replied, patting the seat.
I slid down the arm and landed next to him. The fan in the room was blowing directly my new spot and it was colder then I would have liked. I brought up the flashcard app on the iPad and suggested that I ask him the questions first and then vice versa. He agreed and we got started.
“El Equipo?” I asked
“Team.” He said
“La Medalla.”
“Medal.”
“La Carrera?”
“Race.”
“Vencer?”
I waited a second and looked up when I didn’t hear a reply. He just looked at me smiling over at him for a second, the wind blowing back my long blonde hair and then he said.
“I have no clue.” He reached for his book and as he went to open it I grabbed his and stopped him.
“No, come on. If you come up with some trick in your memory then you will be able to remember it.
He rolled his eyes at me and put the book down.
“What’s your memory trick for this one?” He asked me.
“I don’t want to tell you, you’ll laugh at me.” I said, remembering how nonsensical it was.
“I promise I won’t laugh.” He said, I could see his curiosity reflected in his facial expression.
“Well what do you call deer meat?” I asked him.
He squinted his eyes at me and said “venison.”
“Yes, well I think venison sounds a lot like vencer and vencer means to win. When you go hunting, and you kill a deer for venison you are kind of winning in the sport of hunting, so therefore vencer means to win.” I said
He sat there nodding his head for a minute and I suddenly felt a shiver run down my spine.
“I’m going to go back to my room and grab a sweatshirt, its freezing in here.” I said and started to get up.
“Here, I’ve got one you can use.” He said, pulling out his dresser drawer.
“I live less than 20 feet away.” I said laughing and continuing to get up.
“But we are on a roll.” He said grabbing my arm.
I sat back down and he handed me his evergreen fleece hoodie that I had always admired of his. I put it on and it felt so big on me, even though he and I are the same size. It smelled like him, that unmistakable smell of oranges. We got back to work and just as I had finished asking him his last question, the door to his room opened.
His roommate walked in and flipped his hair as he always does when he walks into a room. He is skinny and wearing a surf shirt. Once he got through the door he kicked off his shoes as he hates wearing them and avoids it whenever he can. He finally stops and asks
“What’s he doing here?” I am pretty good friends with his roommate and so I knew he was asking this because he knows I try and avoid this room at all costs.
“We’re studying.” Came the reply from next to me.
“Well can you do that somewhere else? I am going to bed” He said
“Want to move to your room?” He asked me.
“Si.” I said, and grabbed my stuff off the couch.
We got to my room and I sat down on my bed, noticing the problem with our move.
“Sorry we don’t have a couch. You can sit on the bed, or move the chair over here.” I suggested.
He strolled over and sat down next to me on the bed.
“God, I don’t know how you can live in this heat!” He said pulling off his shirt and balling it up next to us.
“I don’t know, I guess I’m just cold blooded.” I said handing him the iPad, and trying not to stare at his defined chest.
He went through the first couple questions then looked up at the poster hanging on my wall. It was of Taylor swift, advertising her new album “Red.”
“God, you have the worst taste in music.” He said looking up at me playfully.
“Just because I don’t like the Beatles, does not mean I have horrible taste in music.” I said, referring to the Abbey Road poster hanging above his bed.
“Besides, she’s not that bad.”
“Ok, you are going to play me one Taylor Swift song right now that is not bad.”
After he broke my heart the first time, I listened to a lot of Taylor Swift break up songs to get me through it. I had the words to almost all of them down by heart, so the ides of picking just one to show him was daunting. He handed me the iPad and I decided to play the title song of “Red.” It was about finding a love that was perfect and then losing it, and the pain that can cause. It makes it seem like it was not worth the love in the first place.
I for one appreciated the irony of having him hear it, but I didn’t know if he would. As I started the song I unzipped his hoodie, and placed it next to me. I too was starting to get a little hot, I didn’t know if it was the 80 degree weather, or the company that was making me so. I found myself singing along with the song as he sat there, eyes closed.
When it was finished he opened them and said
“How can you be so smart, yet like music this dumb? That was just awful.”
“Shut up!” I said pushing is shoulder playfully.
He shoved me back and we both fell back on the bed laughing. We were interrupted by a knock at the door.
“Lights outs in 15 minutes.” The dorm sponsor said cracking the door open and then shutting it behind him.
“We better get back to studying.” I said sitting back up.
“God it’s so f***ing hot! You cool if I take my pants off?” He asked me, one hand already starting to undo his belt. There was sweat running down his face. A few strands of his sawdust brown hair were plastered down to his forehead and his hair was a mess from the play fighting we had just done.
“Whatever makes you comfortable.” I said.
This was a strange situation. I mean we showered together all the time in the communal shower, so it wasn’t that it was a big deal. It’s just that a few months ago we were not even speaking because my feelings for him made him, uncomfortable. Now we are sitting alone together in my room and he’s taking his pants off. He pulled his belt off in one flourishing motion, accidently hitting me in the eye with the end of it. I reached up and covered my eye immediately.
“S***, I’m sorry. He said and he leaned over me to make sure I was ok.
“Let me see.”
He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand off of the eye. The fresh air made it sting and my vision was still a little blurry. My eyes finally straightened out and I could see him looking at me anxiously. He was so cute the way he was concerned about me.
“Want me to kiss it and make it better?” He asked me. He sometimes says things like this jokingly, not knowing that they make me feel extremely awkward given the way I feel about him.
“No, I just want to finish studying” I said pushing him away.
He started to unbutton his orange shorts, and I watched him distractedly. The then unzipped them revealing his plaid blued boxers underneath. He let his shorts fall to the floor and then picked the iPad back up.
“What does Vencer mean in English?” He asked me.
“To win.” I said.
He finished reading me all the vocabulary words just as the dorm sponsor came around to do lights out. We told him we were studying and he said to finish as soon as possible.
As soon as the dorm sponsor had left he closed the iPad and said
“Well I better get going to bed.”
“Yeah, it’s late.” I said standing up.
“Thanks for helping me study. I think it really helped.” He said giving me a high five.
“No problem, we make a good equipo.” I said smiling.
“Yeah, we do.” He said picking up his clothes.
“If we hang out more I’m going to have to fix your taste in music though.” He said
“Night.” I said
“Goodnight.” He replied.
As he walked out the door I could hear him humming the chorus to red under his breath. I sighed as I closed my door, knowing that this was a onetime thing. Being close with him, though it feels so easy, takes a lot out of me when it’s all said and done because I know that I have to do my best not to get into that place of vulnerability and hurt again.
I got into bed and noticed a lump under my back. It was his sweatshirt. I started to get up to return it but instead laid back down. I pulled it up to my nose and smelled it. “Me encanta.” I said and I placed it on the desk. As I drifted off to sleep I thought of deer and medals. I flashbacked to him smiling at me wearing nothing but his boxers, and I pulled his sweatshirt so that it was next to my head promising myself that I would return it in the morning.