I was sitting under a tree on the Earlham College campus reflecting on my mistakes. Well really my mistake, singular. It had been three years since it happened. Three years to the day since I had done the deed that I regretted for so long. It had been three years since I kissed him, and ruined our friendship, something that ever since that day, I have been hell bent on getting back.
He didn’t know that it happened. It was pretty much a blur to me too. At the time, I was on a sleeping medication that alters your state of mind. Once you take it, you have a lot of trouble remembering what you have done once the morning comes. Not to mention that the dosage I was taking is no longer legal in the United States. Anyway, these excuses were not enough for him, but I had to try.
The next morning I had awoken in my sleeping bag, feeling very confused. I got up and looked over at him and it came over me like a vision. I was huddled over his slumbering body, face opposite his. I leaned down and could hear his heart beat, and I swore it rose, as I placed my lips on top of his. His first kiss, if you could count it. When I came out of this vision, I knew I was screwed, and it cost me the one true friendship I had ever had.
Our boarding schools soccer team had decided to drive down to the Earlham College campus to participate in a tournament. I was not on the team, but decided to tag along. I wanted to get off campus for the anniversary, and this seemed like the best way to do so. There was only one problem, he was on the team.
After our six hour bus ride, I decided I needed some alone time. I set up my sleeping bag in the large castle like building that was housing the four soccer teams. We were all meant to sleep on the floor together in one massive heap, and I wanted to put that off as much as possible. Sleeping on the floor seemed like an unfortunate turn of events, especially tonight of all nights. I did my best to move my sleeping bag as far away from his as possible, but in the small space that was designated for our team, that was easier said than done.
I walked out into the cold evening air and was surprised by my lack of visibility. I went back inside and grabbed my iPad, tripping over numerous sleeping bags in the process. When I got back outside, I turned on the flashlight app on the iPad, and it illuminated the grassy courtyard that lay ahead of me. I started to walk through the damp grass, little drops of dew gathering on my sandaled feet. I found a small tree surrounded by woodchips and decided I would stop and sit there for a while.
I took off my red sparkly scarf and placed it on top of the woodchips in order to soak up any dew that may have accumulated there as well as to make a more comfortable seating arrangement for myself. I then sat down, my back propped up against the trunk of the tree. Having created my perch for the evening, I switched off the flashlight app and began to play my favorite playlist. Some of my friends like to call it my “self pity” playlist, which in a sense it was. I curled up, and then began to scroll through pictures of my previous two years at the school.
I looked so happy in all of them, a façade I put on to make others think I was ok, but in all reality I was miserable. I scrolled through picture after picture of fame smiles that all looked the same and then I finally found a genuine one. It was the only picture of the two of us ever taken. He had suggested we do a Charlie’s Angels pose, and when I told him I had no idea what that was he laughed at me and proceeded to show me how it was done.
The picture was far from perfect, but it was all I needed. I looked raggedy because I had been up baking all night for a party that had just ended. I was also wearing orange which washes out my skin tone. He looked younger, of course this picture was taken our freshmen year so we both did, and he was wearing his signature blue hoodie that it seemed like he never took off. We were both smiling at the camera holding up our fingers as fake guns.
He had grabbed the camera right after the photo was taken and told me it looked great. I couldn’t tell if he was lying or if he actually thought it was good, but either way it meant a lot to me. This was, of course, before the kiss. I had recently put up some old pictures on to Facebook, which included this one. The next evening I had received a message from him asking me if I could take it down. It said “Hey, can you please remove this pic from facebook, I really hate this picture of me.”
As I thought about this, I felt my face grow hot. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I decided to put the picture down. I changed my positioning, laying my head down on the scarf and laying back. I could see the stars through my weeping eyes, but they looked distorted and unfocused. I could take him not wanting to spend time with me, I could take him saying disparaging thing, but him defiling one of my few good memories stung like a hornet. I closed my eyes, trying to restore my breathing to a normal state.
I opened them again after hearing rustling a few steps away. I jolted upwards and brought my hands up to my eyes, trying to wipe away any signs of tears.
“Hey.” I heard a voice say as a silhouette appeared out of the darkness.
“Hey.” I said, my voice quivering.
“Does that thing have a flashlight?” He asked, pointing at the iPad.
“Yeah, do you need a flashlight for something?” I responded coyly.
“Uh, yeah. I lost my shoes somewhere out here.” He said sheepishly.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. I don’t believe in God, but could this have been a sign. I mean what are the odds that the person I am crying over walks up to me while I’m mourning my loss of him? I was not surprised he hadn’t noticed I was crying. He isn’t the best at understanding human emotion. He was clueless, but it was kind of a cute clueless. I guess sooner or later I was going to have to stop getting so mad at him for not realizing I was upset, it just wasn’t in his wheelhouse.
I sighed and pushed myself up off the ground. A couple small pieces of wood chip stuck to my hand and you could see the outline of more pieces along the arm I had been using to prop myself up. It was kind of cool in a way, a temporary indent on the skin, soon to go away soon. It was kind of like tears, a temporary stain on the cheek. Your eyes are red for a few minutes, your nose runs like crazy, and then you go completely back to normal. Give it five minutes and then it’s like nothing ever happened. I didn’t need five minutes, ever since I’d lost him, the only person I had every truly loved, I had become a master of the quick cry.
“What are you doing?” He asked, as if it weren’t obvious.
“I’m going to help you find your shoes.” I replied, leaning down to pick up the iPad and my scarf.
“Hold this for a second, will you?” I said, handing him the iPad so I could put on the scarf properly.
“Sure, which page is the app on?” He asked, about to open the cover.
My mind started racing furiously. I had forgotten that the last thing I had been looking at before I had decided to take my impromptu pity party was that picture of us. At this point saying “No” would be no use, it would just incite more curiosity. So I did the only thing I could think of, I fell. I toppled sideways, knocking the iPad out of his hands as I did so. I landed spread eagled my face being tickled by the dew covered blades of grass, and the iPad lying safely at my side.
“I’m so sorry!” I said hoping my little stunt hadn’t deterred him to much from my help.
“It’s fine.” He said, laughing at my clumsiness.
Most people would have offered me a hand, but I was soon reminded that he wasn’t most people. I got up and dusted myself off, then I opened the iPad just enough so that I could press the button that would return it to the home page. I then opened it fully and turned on the flashlight app. Handing it back to him, we began to walk up and down the open green field that the team had been practicing on earlier.
Neither of us spoke as we walked up and down the field in a systematic grid. I had so much that I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to seem desperate. In fact I bet he had no idea what today was, or that it meant anything to me at all. There were so many questions I had running through my head. “Where are we now? Are you still pissed at me? Is there a chance that we could be friends?” Those and so many more echoed around the silence and as I thought about them, my throat started to tighten up. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying again. I couldn’t do it in front of him; I could not stand the thought of him thinking of me as weak.
“Are you excited about tomorrow’s game?” I finally said.
“Yeah, excited and nervous, this is my first like actual tournament, you know?” He replied.
“I’m sure you’ll do great.” I said. I didn’t actually know, I had never been to a game. As far as I knew he was the worst player on the team, but for some reason I doubted it.
“Thanks.” He said, and we returned to our silence.
We walked around like that for half an hour more searching high and low, but to no avail. We had several close calls that turned out to be broken tree limbs or empty soda bottles, but finally he turned the light out.
“It’s getting late; I think I’m going to go in. I’m sure I’ll find them in the morning.” He said, handing me back the iPad.
“Okay, I’m going to stay out a while longer.” I said and watched as he walked back towards the light in the distance.
I waited until he was far enough away not to notice what I was doing, and then I turned the flashlight back on. I was intent on finding him his shoes, it seemed like a good peace offering on this otherwise dreary night. The grass was already trodden down from where we had walked before, but I doubled back and checked every inch of the grassy area around me. After about 20 minutes I spotted a suspicious shadowy figure under a large oak tree.
I walked over to it and kicked at the shadowy object. The top sandal flipped over onto its back and my heart filled with hope and pride as I picked up my prize. As I walked back toward the castle like building I kept trying to think of what I would say when I got to him. I wanted it to be clever like “I think when we were looking before, we were barking up the wrong tree.” I chuckled to myself as I placed the sandals by the door of the building.
As soon as I opened the door, I heard the noises of loud pop music coming from the upper floor where we were staying. I carefully climbed the stairs trying to both withhold my enthusiasm and not to get my hopes up that his response would be as big as I would want it to be. I saw him standing by the balcony where our team was sleeping talking to some of his friends. I made my way across the sea of sleeping bags and luggage and stood there for a moment waiting for them to finish their conversation. When there seemed to be a lull, I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around, looking at me expectantly.
“I think I found your shoes.” I said, taking in his image for the first time today as now I could actually see him. He was wearing his red plaid shirt, the one that is slightly too big for him and makes him look like a lumberjack.
“Cool, where.” He replied.
“I left them outside.” I said and started to make my way back to the front door.
I opened it and pointed to the sandals.
He squinted down at them before finally saying “Those aren’t mine.”
My heart sunk immediately.
“Oh ok, sorry for the false alarm then.” I said trying to hide my disappointment.
“No problem.” He said turning to go back inside.
“Wait!” I said out of desperation, really wanting him to say something, really wanting him to see that I was upset and that I needed some answers.
“Yeah?” He said.
“Never mind.” I said realizing that I needed to let him go.
“Have a good night.” I said, trying to put as much emotion into those four words, as I would have in the whole conversation I wished we were having right then.”
“You too.” He said as he turned the knob and entered the building once again.
I let out a heavy sigh as I sat down on the stone bench outside of the front door. I pulled my legs up under me and rested my head on my shoulder, gazing down at the shoes that I was really hoping could be a turning point in our relationship. I wanted them to be some sort of symbol of how I wanted to work with him to try and find a way out of this dark place we had gotten ourselves into. In that moment I was forced to realize that this wasn’t a picture. I couldn’t fake a smile anymore to mask the pain I was feeling underneath. So instead of wallowing in it, I got up, walked up the stairs, curled up in my sleeping bag, and went to bed, wishing myself a happy anniversary.