10/28/13 the date that haunts you the most. You don’t know what to do or what to think when the four words that you never wanted to hear are told to you. You’re scared and you can’t even move because you don’t have any idea why he did it.” Was it because he just couldn’t take it anymore,” or was it because of me? Are the questions that are running through your head. Four words that make your life so much more difficult than it already was. When they sit you down and tell you that you lost somebody that was so close to you, when your parents look at you and say “your uncle committed suicide,” all you think is that it was all your fault and you are responsible for all the hurt, you can’t stand it so much that you blame yourself for everything that happened. You never know why he did it until you look at the note, the note that he left the day he was suppose to sign his divorce papers. Then it all clicks. He did it because he couldn’t sign the papers, I guess he just didn’t have it in him. You start to blame her. It’s all her fault… she is the cause of his death; it’s because of her that he isn’t around anymore. He didn’t deserve that, he shouldn’t have to die because of her. “Why” Is the one little question that you want the answer to. Why did he do it? You shouldn’t have to ask that because a woman hurt your uncle so much that he killed himself. A month after your birthday the relative that you were the closest to commits suicide. He didn’t have to and it was his choice but the only thing running through your head was that all the “I love you’s” didn’t matter to him. That’s not true. All of the “I love you’s” did matter to him. It’s just that his wifes “I love you’s” meant more. You think the week can’t get any worse but in the past two days, three of your most important family members died. First your uncle, then your grandmother, then your great-grandmother. You don’t get up for the next two weeks unless you were going to the bathroom, getting dressed, taking a shower, or to eat. It doesn’t take long for you to fall into depression… the doctors didn’t tell you that you were depressed. It’s just that you feel like you are. The worst thing that can happen to you is when somebody asks you if you are ok. I mean, when somebody asks you that you just burst, it’s like you can’t handle it anymore. When all of your walls just come crashing down, mentally you’re going insane trying to make all the hurting stop but it’s no use because you can’t. No matter what you do you can’t make any of the hurting go away. It’s there forever. After a while you get use to it and it doesn’t bother you. You find yourself thinking less about why he did it and more about him being in a better place now but people just keep bringing it up. Soon after he dies a close friend of yours loses her grandfather because of the same reason. She hurts so much she tells you that you don’t know what it feels like to have somebody so close to you just go off and do something like that. But you do know how it feels because it didn’t just happen to her but it happened to you too. You know exactly how it feels to have somone so close to you think that he doesn’t have to be here anymore and he doesn’t want to be. When you really get thinking you realize that you only wanted what was best for him, and that if he didn’t want to be here with us anymore, then that’s fine with you because you know that that’s what he wanted, and whatever he wanted you wanted for him. The people surround you and are slowly coming closer asking the one question that you don’t want to be asked. You’re hoping it’s all a dream because just when things start to get better it all comes crashing down again and you can’t just stop thinking about him, because that would just make everything worse. You can’t replace him either. You find yourself looking for things to keep your mind away from thinking about him, but nothing seems to work. After a year the hurting starts to fade, but it doesn’t go away completely. Every time on that same day I have to take time for myseslf and just try to forget about everything that happened and how bad I felt for his three kids that more than likely took it a lot harder than I did. His nephew reminds me so much of him that sometimes I can’t even look at him because every time that I look at him I see uncle Raymond. I would have to say that I took Uncle Raymond’s death the hardest, and I think it was just because we were so close, but sometimes I get thinking and maybe part of it could have been the way he died. Either way, all I know is that he will be missed.. that’s for sure.