My clock says six thirty that can’t be right I thought. Every morning I wake up groggy with the taste of nightmares burning at my tongue. But this morning I wake to a text telling me she’s here, she’s ready to go though I’ve just woken up. Terrified from the reaction of my mother the next twenty seconds feels as if it’s an hour but I don’t have an hour because school starts in forty five minutes and I’m still wearing a t shirt and have a tear streaked face from last night. My mom’s anger rages and I know it too but she won’t show it, she’s tired as me but in a complete different way. I’m tired from staying up until one am with nothing but a constant thought of why can’t I go? And she’s tired from years of raising children with almost no help from a husband who only makes the job harder. It’s funny what’s important to us. I have an extra hour or two until shell take me into school, having to go in late because my brain fooled me into sleeping once more. I’ve been late before, skipped countless times and my class attendance and grades lack the same confidence I do. This one’s a detention I say calmly but I’m sure my mother already knows as she scowls and I convince her to lie for me. Making up a story I seize to remember about being at the dentist or waking up sickly. I can’t remember because all that I’m thinking about is the fact that when I enter my class everyone will look at me. Do they all hate me I think? And the feeling last until it happens and as its happening and after
The feeling lasts through a presentation I had to stand in front of thirty judgmental a******* and talk about the weather in a foreign language because of course that’s what’s important when you wish you were dead. I spend the day picking up every possible caffeinated drink I can just like most days. I’m a twisted track hopping from green tea to diet cola each walk from class to class a battle with glimpses at people I used to know and loneliness taking over every time I walk through a crowded hallway… completely alone
I feel so overdramatic while I sit in a corner as everyone else plays a silly game I cant repeat the name of because all I can remember calling it was failure. Surprised I remember my own name because as I sit there alone all I think is failure. You screwed up that and f***ed up a perfect friendship and you have this to do and people are judging you and your alone and soon failure turns into accomplishment because I refuse to fail at taking my own life. That day I spend the next hour even after we leave the gym considering how I can do it and when and over thinking continuously all the reasons I should and mostly regretting that I didn’t already.
I feel invisible people look at me but no one says hi
If I don’t start a conversation people don’t even bat an eye my way
People that do talk to me just see me for a body or as a b**** and the only friends I have are ones I can’t see or ones I know I shouldn’t  even have  when people see me they don’t see the truth. They see the leggings and the laughs but they don’t see the tears I wipe away when no one’s is looking and the way I roll my eyes when people say hateful things and how hard it is not to break down and hit someone in the center of a crowded hallway just because chances are they deserve it. I thought no one saw me

At the end of the day all I want is to be home in my bed and fall back to sleep I block the day in its entirety completely out and it’s as if years go by and all I remember is naps and late nights. Until this day when I arrived late
I missed one class that morning unnoticed I presumed as usual but as I walked to face another terror known as the bus someone stops me and says “hey you weren’t in math today?”
Apparently the invisible had been spotted and not for the hunt. I guess maybe people would notice if I was gone…maybe that boy saved my life, for some of us that’s the best we get