A lot of things in life don’t make sense. A lot, meaning majority.  And I don’t know who I am, or where I fall in the scheme of things. But I am trying to find out. There is all of this hate. All the sadness and frustration in this world. We beg for happy. We sacrifice everything to feel good about where we are, who we know, what we’re doing. And this life, everyone’s, it’s so fragile. People die so quick, so unknowingly. Car accidents, heart attacks, murder. And for what? Why is any single person’s life better or worse than another’s? When it is boiled down, we have no control. Not over what is said to us, by whom. We can’t decide who we love, who we long for and think about at night. We can’t choose to forget something. We can try our hardest, but if something is monumental enough, deep enough to stay there, it simply will. Our minds are grasping for any sort of foothold. We try to make sense of all that we see, of all that we think we know. But really, no one knows. Every person is a person. Whether their brain works differently, their emotions, their height or weight or background. We are a creation of something. We have no control over what we look like. We shouldn’t. The false images of “perfection” we see all over TV, in movies, commercials, it shouldn’t be that way. All people are beautiful. You can find any person on this Earth and find something alluring about them. And we’re so quick to judge. We are so hastily casting people away, looking at them and thinking these awful things. But everyone: murderers, handicaps, sociopaths, adults and children, we are all people. We are all capable. Of good and bad. And there are evil people, blessed people, people of all kinds. And I think, why? Why all of this? Why me, why here, why now? And it cannot be for nothing. Why would so many people strive to help and be kind if it was for nothing?
I’m searching. All I’m trying to find is a more profound understanding. Everyone is. Nobody knows absolutely for sure why we’re here so we are scared. There is that fear. Is this all for something? Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something else? We are petrified. So what do we do? We invent. We create distraction. Phones, books, writing, painting, sports, cinema. But what is that most euphoric distraction that we all desire? Love. We find refuge in other’s arms. Family, friends, pets, significant others. We express. We kiss and hug and hold each other tight. We squeeze away that fear, that pain. Because all that confusion and unknowing, we’re sharing it. We are not alone. We know there are questions that will never be answered, people and things we’ll never understand. But what we know for a fact, just by warmth, by eye contact, we know there is something more. We know that even if it is all for nothing, that loving is welcomed by all, one way or another. I know that I love. I love people. Some I don’t know why. And I know I can’t determine who I do and do not love.
Now all of what I just wrote. It doesn’t exactly make me feel better. But I know. Even in my darkest hour, there are people out there willing to love, willing to try and fight. There are so many people to know and to meet. And I know I could never meet all those people. But I know myself, and though not completely, I know enough. I know I try. I know I can see good anywhere, no matter how evil or wrong. I can be cruel and rude. I can be sad and distraught. I can be mad and frustrated. But here I am. Trying my very best to work through life. Trying to make sense of it all. How much of it I love. How much of it I long for. How much of it I don’t and never will understand. I can only do just that. I can only try. And it’s all I will do. And I’ll fight, and make mistakes, and I will love. I will hug and I will smile. I will let those who mean the most to me know how appreciative I am of them. I will try my best. I will take advantage of the time I have. Wherever I may go, whatever I end up doing, I will give it my all. And I don’t know what will happen to me. But right now, I am here, and I am willing. And I know that that is okay.