I guess you could say the day my whole life changed i just wasn't ready. I kinda sat there at first confused with tears in my eyes, blinking them away because I couldn't break here no way.I sat in the comfort of my own mind wondering what's next? Everyone was being nice and trying to help me fit in but I felt better than everyone else.Telling myself they had the problem not me was easier when I didn't know and had to live with all these people for however long my stay was that time. I was in Rehab in the middle of Prinetucky, there was no escaping that place anytime soon it was kinda like a fishbowl you keep going around wondering.. how to get out? The one girl that stood out to me the most was this girl named, Rainee Dey she was so beautiful that cars stopped just to catch a view of the beauty. The hardest part of remembering her so well is that she died a couple days ago in her sleep,we got to know each other so well that her death hit me so hard. What I felt was so hard to put in words like loss yet in denial. I once heard a quote by the great Bob Marley, "Some people feel the rain..Others just get wet." It's weird losing someone you knew so well but never got to hangout with on the outs.She felt the rain and danced because she always took advantage of the moment,the now.Anyone who claims she never felt the rain didn't get to meet such a wonderful human being. She was so helpful and supportive when you were having a rough day and didn't feel like rehab, jumping through hoops and all. My first week in rehab I knew things were gonna be hard but I pushed through all three times I had to go. I was so baffled at what they expected me to accomplish when I was there but like John Maxwell said, "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional." I stuck through it all like a champ I also developed many amazing friendships and discovered more of who I am in unique ways.Even though Rainee died so young she was apart of my life and did impact me highly she's another brick in my journey of life and I can only go forward because going back isn't an option anymore. Anne Roiphe once said, "Grief is in two parts.The first is loss.The second is remaking of life." To me I noticed how much life changed after she moved on and accepting that as a logical thing for me was difficult so I coped in my own ways.Knowing that she's gone like really feeling her loss when the denial faded wasn't a good feeling.Something I learned along the way is "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... We must do that which we think we cannot" Eleanor Roosevelt quoted. And so from that experience I learned strength and what it feels like to be shocked back into reality. Death has affected my whole life and I used to brush it off like a fly but it's coming around to getting my attention and it's sad the way life takes its course on good people.Mark twain had a good point when he said, "The fear of death follows the fear of life.A man who lives fully is prepared to die at anytime." Living and dying is a scary thing but we all get there one day. Unfortunately sometimes sooner than most. I went to rehab three times and each time my use got worse, the last time I went for heroin because my addiction escalated so fast and nobody could really help because I wouldn't really let them I guess you could say.I have trust issues because I did drugs for so long I saw reality and it's not fun it's the struggle.The first and second time it was for weed,alcohol, hallucinogens, pills and I spent about 8 months altogether. Sometimes I think that it's so easy to fall into my old ways but I know I'm not that same person anymore and that scares me because who am I then? Keri Russell once wrote, "Sometimes it's the small decisions that can change your life forever." And personally from everything going south in my life I finally understand how one decision can affect everyone around you and your future, now I'm trying to fix all the mistakes to get my functioning life back. But at this point everything that's spiraling out of control I know I'm just gonna have to get up wipe my tears, and surf these waves of destruction and hope I don't get pulled under too far