It never crossed my mind that I would never see her again. I should have prevented her from going, I should have told her I loved her, I should have done a lot of things, but its too late for that now. She’s gone. 

Dear Amber,

Remember when we lived on Yates and we would play Colored Pencils and Rubber Band War? We would hide on opposite sides of our twin beds and try to dodge each others incoming ammunition. Or remember the time when we got identical boy haircuts and we refused to go to school for a week. We shared many childhood memories, some scarred us, some were priceless, but all molded us into the people we turned out to be. We grew up never being alone. You were always there for me. I always had someone to play with. I always had someone to eat lunch with. And I thought you would always be there when I called.

On the day of the accident, as mom rushed to the hospital, I tried to remember if I had told you how much I loved you that morning. When I saw you in the hospital I didn’t recognized you, for your face was bruised and swollen. I could see you were losing the battle and I felt helpless, I didn’t know how to help you. All I could do was sob into your chest the words “I love you” before the nurse led me from the room. I cried myself to sleep that night, and the many nights after, wondering “If your twin dies, are you still a twin?”

We were always defined as “the twins,” our aunts and uncles didn’t bother to learn which name matched which of our faces. It was always “us,” now its just “me”. I never thought I could feel so alone. People would ask us what's it like to be a twin? And I never had an answer because I didn’t know what it was not to be a twin. We shared a bond that made us the best of friends. A bond that led us back together after an argument. A bond that grew as we got older. A bond that we thought could never be broken; Death proved us wrong.

You are everywhere. The brownies at the the gas station remind me of how you use to shove them down your throat so you wouldn’t have to share. I can’t look at shoes and not think of your obsession with them. I avoid listening to music, so I won’t risk listening to one of your favorite songs because you had so many of them.

All your friends faces in the hallway send a shiver down my back. I’ve even stopped playing volleyball because it hurts too much. With dad still going to therapy, mom was forced to be strong. She has been thrown into the role of the household caregiver. She tries to give us time, but she doesn’t understand, she says life goes on and it's my choice whether or not I get left behind, but I can't do it anymore. 

I refuse to sleep in fear of dreaming of you. I push away the memories, I run away from the pain, but I can’t hide from myself. Amber, I’m disgusted with myself. Selfish thoughts I have fought hard to dismiss are now flying through my conscience. I am horrified by the relief I feel that we no longer will be compared. You and I were always seen side by side. Who had the best grades, who was the best at sports, who was the quiet one, who was the prettier one, who was the favorite, ect.

These constant comparisons made us both uncomfortable. We both knew each others weaknesses and strengths, we didn’t need them flaunted. I saw relief in your death, and I’m disgusted with myself. I want to beg for your forgiveness. You didn’t deserve to die.

Almost a year has passed since you died, but time doesn’t seem to help. I’m swimming in guilt, hatred, loneliness, and fear. I feel empty inside, you were my other half. DAMMIT Amber! Why did you have to die? Why? It should have been me! I should have protected you, I was the younger sister but it was my job to keep you safe.

And yet I’m engulfed in hate. I hate you for not putting on your seat belt that day. I hate you for leaving me to pick up the pieces that I onced called my family. I hate myself for feeling this way. I’m scared Amber. You left me when I needed you the most. Out of the two of us you were always more emotionally stable. You were my support, if I fell I knew you would be there to help me back up.

I try to act as if I’ve moved on but I know I don’t fool anyone. I’ve isolated myself, I push everyone away. I built these walls around myself so no one witnesses how your death tore me apart. I’m broken and lost. I write this now with tears running down my cheeks, asking myself “I don’t know who I am anymore. What now?... I am nothing without you.”

Love Your Sister,

Nicole