It is a dark cold fall morning. As I am taking a walk through the park, I see leaves falling. All these beautiful reddish yellow leaves are falling to their death. I wonder if I will be able to make it to the spring. Fall is a beautiful time of year but also a depressing time of year because winter is right around the corner. Winter is a terrifying time of year; it is a cold and nasty season. All I am walking through the park, the wind is rushing through my body and is making me shiver. I know that winter is right around the corner and I don’t know if I can make it to spring.
He was rushed to the hospital but his injuries were too severe that they couldn’t save him. In February of 2002, I was only two years old and I lost my dad to a tragic truck accident. My dad was laid off of his job a month before this, and he got his job back on February 17th. He went out to celebrate with his friends, while my mom was home sick and I was at my grandmas. Later that night, it was around 11:00ish and my dad was on his way home. He fell asleep at the wheel and his truck drifted onto the shoulder of the road and he woke up trying to bring the truck back onto the road but over corrected which sent the vehicle into a skid. The truck started rolling and my dad was thrown from the vehicle, and the truck landed on top of him. After that, my life changed.

Curious questions came to mind at the age of five, I wondered a lot of things about my dad. I was so little that I did not understand that my dad passed away and was never coming back. I just thought that he was gone for a little bit, like away for his job or something. But one day I asked my mom where dad was, she told me that he is up in heaven. Then I began asking where heaven is, what it looks like, if I can visit my dad, and if he can come down from heaven. So I asked my mom if we could take an airplane up to see him, she told me that is impossible. I still did not understand what she was saying; I then asked when my dad was coming down from heaven to take me hunting, fishing and to go on fun adventures. As the days got longer and the more questions I asked and the answers I got told I finally started believing that I would never see my father again.

As the teen years came around, I didn’t only need my family or friends, I needed my father. As a teen I was starting up high school and becoming friends with new people and experiencing new things. It was really difficult having to go through that and not being able to go home every day and share those things with my dad. Not only was it difficult for him not being around for that but it was just hard in general, especially because I did not have the closest relationship with my mother. I felt empty knowing my father is never going to come back, knowing I don’t have a mother that I can talk to about everything without getting yelled at and not having a close relationship with my siblings because they got pushed away from my mother. Also, not having close family members because they don’t like my mom really sucked because I never got to go to family functions on my mom’s side. I then started feeling depressed and knew I needed to talk to someone.

For thirteen years I’ve gone through so much pain that now it is starting to all fade away and it just comes and goes at times. I’ve learned to cope with life, with knowing that no one can bring my dad back really sucks but there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Whenever I try talking to someone, for example, when I try talking to my friends about my dad they just keep quiet and don’t say much. I don’t blame them, but then again it is hard because I just want someone to make me feel better. It is a horrifying thing to say, but I’ve learned to cope with not having a dad anymore.

After going through so much pain I finally told someone about my problem, and they took me to go get help. Growing up without a father, a mother that all she liked to do was drink and go out at night, my siblings and I getting separated because we were all too little to watch each other. I went to my grandmas and my sister was old enough to watch just my brother. That’s when my relationship grew stronger with my grandma. But even though I was close with my dad’s mom, I still was not close with rarely any of my mom’s family unless it was my grandfather. Things got hard and I started feeling depressed and got down on myself easily. I started having thoughts; those thoughts were me not wanting to be on this world anymore. It got to the point where I cried myself to sleep every night, that’s when I knew it was time to tell someone. I told my close grandmother and she got me help, I did not want help but I knew it would make me better. I started seeing a counselor, I talked about how I need my dad here to make things better and she told me that he is with me. May not be there physically but is here mentally, and I told her I just want him here so I can be in his arms and she said that he looks over me daily and that he was right at that moment. That’s when I realized that she was right.

As I started up high school, I knew that going to school dances, playing sports, participating in extracurricular and singing in choir was going to be difficult without my father by my side helping me through it all and supporting me. My mother told me that my dad would be very protective over me, with that being said my mother told me that my dad would have not wanting me going with a boy to a dance, and that he would have to chaperon. Thinking about it, I would have not liked that but then again I think it would be funny and wish I would have been able to experience that. Playing sports was one of the most hardest things because my dad told me that he wanted to teach me how to play them and would be there at every game to support me. I knew then that my dad was physically there watching me but was looking over me and cheering me on.

Even though I’ve gone and seen counselors, they couldn’t make the pain go away. There are still those nights where I get sad and just lay in bed listening to sad music and looking through all of the pictures of me and my dad. After looking and seeing all of the memories we had together and all of those happy treasures that we shared. When I look through his things and pictures, it make me happy seeing all the happy moment and I can tell he just adored me. But also at the same time it made me sad because it makes miss him even more. I know my dad is sitting right by my side through it all and telling me that everything will be okay.

After many years of going through devastating times, I finally learned to believe that my dad was sent up to heaven but still looks over me. Even though, to this day I still question god on why he did this to my family and I, why he took my dad away at such a young age. As everyone says “Everything happens for a reason” well I do not believe that because there can’t possibly be a reason for god taking my dad away from me. It felt like someone was ripping my heart out. But then I began to think, if god would have been able to save my dad, my dad would be in a world of pain! I know he would not want to live in a world where someone would have to take care of him all the time. My dad was so badly injured that he would have been disabled, and basically would be a carrot lying in a bed as stiff as a board. Knowing my father would not want me to see that, nor would he want to live like that I finally learned to face the fact my dad is in a happy place up in heaven looking over me.