I was sitting at the bar in the student game room scribbling out an apology note, not really know what the correct protocol was. How do you apologize for kissing someone while they are sleeping? A muffin basket, a card? All I knew is that I had screwed up and if I had any hopes of saving our friendship I would need to play this very safely; do as much damage control as possible. 

Having just started the second paragraph, I found myself at a loss for what to say next. I heard footsteps approaching and glanced behind me to find him there, wearing a weary look.

“Hi,” I said cautiously.

“Hi,” he replied taking a seat on one of the stools next to me.

“What are you writing?” He asked.

“An apology to you, actually,” I replied.

“Really, can I read it?”

“No, it’s not finished yet.”

“Ok, well can you finish it later? I think we need to have a talk.”

He seemed pained, uncomfortable, almost tortured in a way. His breathing was sporadic and face showed little to no sign of a smile. This must not be good I thought as I set the pencil down on the bar and slipped the note into the pocket of my blue cargo shorts.

“Sure, where would you like to talk?”

“How about over there, in the corner,” he said, pointing towards a set of two couches facing each other opposite us.

We walked over and sat down opposite each other, him on the red one, me on the blue. The couches were very uncomfortable, with cushions that didn’t bend or move to adjust to the human body. I readjusted myself several times trying to make myself comfortable before realizing it just might be the situation that was making me nervous. His leg bounced up and down as he tried to think of a way to start the conversation.

“So, we haven’t really discussed things since you told me you kissed me.”

I winced when he said the last part.

“That’s true. Can’t we just pretend that it didn’t happen?”

“I don’t think so. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple days now and I think I’ve decided what we should do next.”

“Do tell?”

“I think we should go on a break.”

I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but I didn’t like the sound of it. It sounded like an end without calling itself an end, and I sure as h*** wasn’t going to let our friendship end, or go on a break, without a fight.

“What if I don’t want to go on a break?”

“Well I think it’s really the only thing that’s going to work for us right now, given the situation.”

“I don’t think that’s true, but just so we know what were discussing, what exactly does a break entail?”

His leg started shaking faster and faster making the laces on his worn out gym shoes flop around in a chaotic frenzy. I was making him nervous, but maybe he was right to be given what he was asking.

“A break would involve the two of us not spending as much time together. We would obviously see each other in the hall or in the dorm, and we can be friendly, but we wouldn’t really hang out together, in groups, or alone.”

I was silent for a moment and was fighting back tears behind my blue eyes. I could feel the redness overtake them and my image of him was blurry, but I managed to hold them in.

“At least not for a while,” he finished, chuckling nervously afterwards. 

“Look, I get that your upset, but are you sure there isn’t anything else we can do?”

“I really think this is the only way for now, so are you ok with it?” He asked, obviously aware of my emotional state and not really sure how to address it.

“Am I ok with it? Does it matter if I’m ok with it? Basically what you are telling me is you are putting my on probation. If I can show that I can be around you in a classroom setting without upsetting you or making you uncomfortable, then maybe you’ll let me be in your life again? No, I’m not ok with it, but you’ve made it clear I really don’t get a say, so I guess it’s what we’re doing.“

I let a tear roll down my cheek, but got it together again before another one could break through. He looked a little stunned and rolled his hands up into the sleeves of his navy blue hoodie as if it would provide warmth and comfort.

“Alright, um, do you have anything else you would like to say before we start our break? He asked tentatively.

“No I think I’ve said all that I have to say to you. Enjoy you’re break,” I said as I got up, my legs shaking themselves as I did so.

I knew I wouldn’t make it very far before falling apart. Willing myself to just make it out of his earshot I walked down the hall and made my way into the nearest empty classroom. After having shut the door behind me I allowed myself to succumb to the sobbing heaves I knew were coming. My face was hot and presumably very red. I pulled the letter I had been writing and read it aloud to myself.

Hey,

I am so sorry for kissing you. I know you must feel violated and uncomfortable and I’m not really sure how to fix that, but I will do whatever it takes. You are very important to me, and I want you to continue to be in my life. When we talked about this in my room, you asked me why I did it. I think I have an answer for you now. I did it because I love you.

That was where the letter trailed off because he had walked in. I tumbled over the words I love you several more times before taking the letter between my two hands and ripping it in half, fourths, eighths, sixteenths, I ripped it until the pieces were so small you would have had to spend hours to glue it back together. I walked over to the small trashcan under the desk at the front of the room and dropped the pieces into the can, watching them flutter down like snowflakes with beauty and grace. I watched them flutter down knowing full well that with them went every hope of us being together. If he wanted to go on a break, that was his right, but when those five letters were spoken, it was me that was broken.