“How do you feel?” she whispered as she leaned in forward in her chair.
   

I can’t tell her, I can’t tell the person I’m supposed to trust, who promises that she will keep everything between us.  I can’t tell her how angry I am at Teen Ink thinking that “The Nightmare” was realistic fiction, or how one of my friends abandoned me for a solid month because I was “too depressing for her”, or how I just feel abandoned by the people I thought were my friends.  People teased me over the stupidest things.  I was teased for loving Japanese culture, for getting angry because I was just angry for a solid year.
   

I can’t tell her how much I want to cry all the time and spill my own blood.  How I have all of these negative emotions and people tell me to “just be happy”.  People just don’t understand me, they just don’t get what I’m going through.  I swear they don’t, but then again I don’t know their story.
   

“I think you need medicine...if you’re feeling suicidal you need something to counter this.  It’s painful for me to see you look so sad.  You refuse to eat bright food, you refuse to exercise, and you refuse to go outside.  All you want to do is lie in bed.”
   

I looked down at my hands, folded neatly in my lap as more tears streamed down my face quietly.  I’m trying so hard to push my emotions away, to cut the tears off and just stop existing inside.  I wanted nothing more than to just disappear off the face of the earth, life is too painful and I hate everyone, almost everyone.  The person I hate most is myself.
   

“I want to lie in bed…”
    “And,” she urged in a silent plea to get me to continue talking. 
    “That’s it…”
    “Your conversations are always one sided, why?”
    “Nobody listens to me,” I said to myself.  “I get talked over so I simply become white noise and disappear.”
    “Ah well,” she sighed, hearing nothing escape my mouth.  “Well we’re out of time...see you whenever you schedule.”
    “Goodbye,” I whispered, while giving her a slight nod.

*****

A cold chill surrounded me as I wore nothing to protect me against the cold autumn air.  I’m exhausted, I have no will.  I hate it here.
   

“I’m at school,” I texted quickly while playing Japanese music in my ears.
   

My eyes casted up to a group of people that I know.  They said nothing to me, ignoring me like I’m nothing.  I didn’t need them anyway...I guess I am nothing to them.  I looked around the halls, wondering if there was anyone that I know.  Nobody yet again.  I feel so alone but I just suck it up.  I just wander through the halls, thinking about how people have hurt me before.

*****

The mall was packed that day, and I was there to talk to people about an anime con here in this small state.  It would be awesome but today was just a day to chill and mess around, become friends.  I was trying to say something but who knows what it was.
    “You’re too loud,” one of my friends told me with a slightly annoyed look on her face.
    I felt like she just slapped and then stabbed me.  I couldn't say anything back to her.
    “I’m sorry but you’re just too loud…,” she whispered and I just walked away.
   

I didn’t want to say anything to her, she’s my friend right?  After some time by myself to just stop and sniff candles, I came back.  My best friend looked at me sadly, looking like she wanted to give me a hug.  She’s the only one I can trust.
    “Are you okay?”
    “I’m fine,” I lied and walked on with the group.

*****

Weeks later the dreaded day arrived, my mother arrived home with a bag from the pharmacy.  It arrived, the thing I wanted to avoid.  It was a case of pills, blue pills.  Though I hate them with every fiber of my being they help me feel less...upset.  I stopped crying, I stopped feeling sorry for myself.  Instead I feel...nothing.  I turn into a void of nothingness when I take the pill that is full of nothing.  There are times where I look down at my hands and wish there were scars, that sometimes I wish I wasn’t here.  It’s hard to smile, my laughs are still fake.  I’m nothing but a phantom of what I used to be.