Crying and crying. Sobbing on my knees as I hang up on the phone talking to Gateway Mental Hospital. Hearing his broken and depressed voice about the bad news. Finding out that someone I love decided to hurt themselves is one of the worst feelings I can ever feel, especially  knowing I could have done something to prevent it from happening. John, my boyfriend was that person that I loved. He was admitted to the mental hospital because he overdosed and cut himself after going through family problems and relationship problems. Then I  realized  that I was a part of his problem, I worked through the experience, which made me a better person today. I realized every person in your life is there for a reason. Never take advantage of someone’s presents because you’ll miss them during their absences.

March 17, 2014, it was around 7 am I was patiently waiting for John to call me so we can walk to school together, like every other day. I waited for a long time sitting next to my phone, 30 minutes had already passed by. I got angry so I decided to walk to school by myself which I never liked to do. Around 2:30 pm I suddenly realized he didn't go to school after talking to some of his teachers and friends. It didn’t really surprise me he never liked school. So, later that day I walked home while the wind hit my face. I was thinking what could possibly be wrong with him usually he’d text me if he wasn’t going to school.When I got home I tried calling him around ten times but I gave up because his phone was off.

I told myself, “ You’ll see him tomorrow and he will explain everything.” The next day came and he wasn’t at school again. I wasn’t that worried because I kept making up these excuses in my head of why he wasn’t answering my phone calls or not being present at school. Like maybe he went to Fresno with his dad again. Or maybe he got his phone taken away and is really ill.One whole week passed and I was already drowning in tears thinking he passed away and his parents didn’t have a way of telling me that the love of my life was gone. As I walked through the halls without him next to me, people asked so much questions even his teacher’s asked about him. The worst part was not having answers to those questions. Walking through the halls without out him felt like someone ripped apart of my heart from my chest. It was a nightmare that came true.

I couldn’t even focus on school work or in class I’d cry. Even in class, just looking at his empty seat, imagining he was there. As walked to the bathroom in tears one day the Dean that I was really close to stopped me in front of the bathroom. And asked me “ Its like the fifth time i’ve seen you cry today, are you crying about John?” and I nodded yes while wiping the tears of my face.

“Report to my office after you wash your face,” he firmly said .Then I walked into the restroom washed my face and looked into the mirror and saw my eyes and I felt so isolated and empty. After, I sat in his office shaking because I thought I was in trouble.When he came in he gave me the biggest hug which was rare cause he was always an emotionless person. That’s when I knew something was really wrong. He sat down and told me with his softest voice that “Something happen to Johnbut it's illegal for me to exactly tell you what happen but he’s okay now so you don’t have to worry.” It felt like weights were lifted off my shoulders because I knew he was ok but at the same time I was still curious of what happen to him. In my head I thought “I should know. He is my boyfriend.”

Another week passed by I was a mess. I cried day and night just going through my head what could have happened to John. I texted his mom at least twenty times but she wouldn’t reply. Each day was another day I didn’t get see the person that understood me the most and loved me the most.After a long depressing day at school on March 26, 2014, I had a daily routine. I walked home from school, ate some food , went jogging, then finished up my homework. It was around 8pm when I got the call from an unknown caller ID, curiously I answered. Hearing John's sweet voice was amazing after him not being at school for a 2 weeks ,him not answering my phone calls or text message.Then I asked him “where are you , I miss you so much buttercup?” as I cried , he told me that the “school administration found out I hurt myself and tempted to overdose Which caused them to call the police under law.” John tells me the police put him in handcuffs and transferred him to the mental hospital while his mom was crying on the floor.

I asked “ How does it feel to be there?,” he responded by saying

“It’s torture,they treat me as if i’m actually psycho. At night it’s so cold, i’m afraid” he kept repeating.
“ I don’t to be here, please come get me.” That was when my knees felt weak and I dropped to the floor telling him that “I can’t because it's best for you to get help because it's not ok what you did, you're stronger than that John.” After, I said that he started crying, I felt worthless not being able to stand in front of him and hug him for comfort.
March 29 two days after receiving that call they finally released him. It felt so good knowing I finally get to see the person that meant the whole world to me. I decorated his locker and I made a big poster to put in his room. I did everything I could in my power to make him feel welcomed back. His whole family and I waited outside while his dad was on his way back from checking him out. When the car came up the driveway, tears of joy slowly rolled down my face. I jumped on top of him and hugged him with all the strength that I had. That moment was just amazing. Throughout the days he was required to go to therapy. “My baby is finally okay,” I kept saying in my head.

Time passed by and everything came crashing down. Sadly, five month after that day, we broke up. It was sudden but I knew it was for the best because I didn’t feel good enough and I felt to blame for when he went to the mental hospital.I remember calling him around 3 in the morning, crying. I told him “ John, we can’t be together anymore.”
 

Then, he said “Honey dip don’t do this to me...I need you, please” , while he sobbed. It felt like my whole world just came down on me, but I had to. Step by step I’m trying to move on, while John and I remain best friends even after everything we’ve gone through together.

Throughout this experience I learned to always appreciate a person’s presents because you’ll miss them through their absences. Going through this major disaster changed me. I’m a better person now, I know from right to wrong. But I also realized sometimes it’s ok not being able to help someone with their problems even though you tried really hard . At the end we both came out of this situation as better people.