My Grandpa is one of favorite people and always has been. He 77 and has Alzheimer's, he still remembers me and we still are able to hold smalls talk and laugh together. I’m grateful for this, being 16 it's nice to just talk to my grandpa because  nothing has to be too serious nothing is a big deal. When I’m talking to him I feel relaxed, I stop worrying about school, friends, boys, everythings. I want to hold on to him for as long as I can.

On the other hand a few weeks ago I watched my grandpa struggle to come up with my name for the first time . This made my stomach hurt and my eyes feel heavy. I’ve watched him for the last 6 years forget things,at  first small things like times and dates , than bigger things like people, where is his, and why he’s there.  On our recent flight to Florida he  look lost and worried. You know when you wake up from a midday nap and you feel blurry and confused, maybe a little scared ? I imagined my grandpa's brain to be in a constant “ post nap” state. He can never fully wake up, and he never will.  This changed how I look at my his illness.

My grandpa having alzheimer's  has felt unfair to me since day one, but now in what I consider to be a very selfish way. Feeling  that I might have even a slight  idea of what he must feel like I long for him to find peace.  Is  not fair to ask God to let me hold on to him. I want him to  no longer feel this way, not longer be constantly lost, blurry, and scared. I know My time with my grandpa being mentally with me is running low, and this is something I'm learning  accept. Until that time comes I will  answer all of this questions no matter how many times her ask them , and I will tell him I love him every chance I get.