The first step into my “home” for the next week, I could smell the disinfectant. The dark skinned lady at the desk stared at me with her eager looking, brown eyes. It made me feel uneasy in a weird way. Do I keep the eye contact? Or simply look away? As I approach, her mouth opens, and words tumble out. For some reason I can’t understand, maybe it’s all the drugs, or maybe it’s my complete inability to pay attention to the obvious authority of the room.

“I’m sorry what?” I reply obviously confused

“What’s your name honey?” her voice is calm and sweet much like her appearance. I look up at the wall of names and coordinating room numbers. Girl’s on one side, boys on the other. Snapping back into reality I reply.
“Jessa,” it was less of a reply and more of a nervous stutter, “Doctor Udrea sent me here.”

“Right, i just got off the phone with her, you’re room is 218 down the boys hall.” Apparently the 12 rooms down the girls side were already filled.  As I walk down the hall I look at the signs all different names outside of the doors, directly across from me was “Noah”. 

My mom helped me setup my new room with my purple egyptian cotton sheets on their tiny, obviously used mattress. I can’t help but think of all the other bodies that had previously occupied this bed. Most likely boys, and based on the crater in the middle of the bed, I’m guessing they weren’t too small.

I turn around to see my mom in the small personal bathroom, red and swollen eyes from crying. She’s setting up my toiletries just the way she knows I like them; toothbrush on the right, toothpaste on the left, and my retainer just next to the faucet in the small cup I use for cleaning. I can’t help but feel bad for her. Ironic isn’t it, I’m the one in the hospital yet I can't not feel guilty about the whole situation. 

The knock on the door brings me back to the current reality. As I reach for the handle to let the mysterious guest in, the door swings open. I guess the most privacy you get around here is the 5 seconds between the knock and the time the nurse opens the door.

“It’s dinner time,” the lady is looking at my mom as she speaks, “I just grabbed some food since you haven’t yet filled out the menu.” Dazed in confusion, at this point from the drugs, I am brought into a bigger room back near the entrance of the hospital wing. In there I see many other people around my age.

“Hey, a new girl!” A small but wide girl with short pink hair screamed while pointing right at me, “Come sit by me!” she pulled out the chair next to her, almost too eagerly to welcome me into her life. “My name is Paige, that’s Noah, that’s Nick, that’s Josiah, that’s Brianne, that’s McKayla, that’s Kellie, that’s Kayla, and that’s Kaylee.” She went around the table introducing not only herself but taking it upon herself to introduce everyone else at the table. There were more in the room, though noticeably shy and quiet as they sat separately at each table.

“Hi my name is Jessa” I spoke slightly more confidently than I had earlier to the first nurse. It was easier now as they were all my own age and looked to be for the most part pretty accepting. I turned to say goodbye to my mom, but she was already gone. This kind of disappointed me even though I knew she would be coming back later with more clothes and different shoes for the week.

We ate in silence, you could hear the sound of everyone chewing their food rather fast, as if they hadn't eaten all day. I looked to the girl who was introduced as Kellie, she wasn't eating anything. I could tell by the tiny body that surrounded her soul that it had been awhile since her last meal. I of course didn't mention anything in fear of overstepping my recent welcome into the group; though I noted in the back of my head to see tomorrow if she was going to be eating breakfast or skipping yet another meal.

Once everyone was done eating the surprisingly good food, for a hospital, it was time for them to check our vitals and administer our nightly meds. I received two tiny white pills along with a thick cream colored liquid that was more than potent and made my mouth pucker with disgust. It took about 30 minutes for everyone to go through this extensive process.

Following this we received small menus of the not very extensive food choices we had for the next day. We were to fill it out so that the right food would be brought to us the next day during each of the meals.

After waiting patiently in the lunch/common room, the nurse finally came back in and announced it was time for the last group talk. Almost as if conditioned to do so, everyone stood up and began to move the chairs into a circle around the room, then proceeded to sit and wait in silence for further instructions. Drawn in by her porcelain skin and beautiful blue eyes, I chose a seat next to Kellie. For some reason I felt the need to know more about her, as if I had some sort of desire for a connection with this new stranger.

They talked for about an hour before a question was directed at me. I hadn't even noticed it was directed at me until I looked up from the oddly shaped coffee stain on the carpet in the middle of our human circle. My face clearly filled with confusion once again, the boy, Noah I think it was, repeated his question, “Why are you here?” Everyone was obviously waiting for my response as I sat there dumbfounded at such a question. I couldn't even remember why I was there. Was I sick? No.

“I'm not quite sure,” I responded cautiously knowing it wasn't the right answer.  Thankfully, everyone took the answer as I said it and continued on with their discussion not bothering me again for the rest of the two hour talk.

“That is it for tonight guys,” a sigh of relief escaped my mouth before I could stop it, “What movie will it be tonight?” she asked directly at me as if I were to know the choices she had.

“Well uhm uh,” I stuttered trying to find the words to use, “What are the choices?” She then proceeded to pull out a box of DVDs for me to choose from. Not recognizing any of them, I let my new friend Noah pick one. The name of the movie I was never quite sure of, but the plot was unbearably boring, so I went to the back of the room where the others were playing Uno and joined them. Soon it became ten and I was exhausted so I went to my room and tried to sleep. Despite the two tiny pills I received earlier, which were supposed to help me sleep, I tossed and turned all night afraid to close my eyes. It was like all my childhood fears had come back and again I was 5 five years old, craving sleep, but to fearful to actually close my eyes.

I was awoken by the sound of knocking at my door followed by the door opening and a soothing voice, “Time for breakfast.” Looking forward to my pancakes, I rushed to put on my boots, and tiptoe down the long hallway, not to wake anyone whose door was still unopened. As I entered the commons room, I saw once again the table filled with people, surrounded by single people occupying separate tables. I walked over and placed myself between Noah and Kellie. As I ate I listened to the conversation around me. I overheard Brianne whispering to Kellie about how she would be getting out that following day. Personally I don't think she was ready to rejoin the world, but I guess that isn't my call.

Once breakfast was finished, we joined once again in a circle to have our morning talk. This time we went around in the circle stating our goal we wish to achieve by the end of our stay here in the hospital. When everyone’s eyes came to me, I stuttered again before announcing my goal, “I would like to be happy with myself and every situation that comes my way.” I wasn't quite sure of what I meant by this, I just combined what everyone else had said, but it sounded good once the words spilled out.

After the talk we were brought to a small gym in the basement where we were given an hour to play basketball. Sporting a major headache I decided to sit in the corner and nap rather than join the game. I was woken by the sound of little kids, I opened my eyes to see that they had also brought down the children from the kids ward. I sat and wondered what had happened to land such innocent looking children here. It made me sad in a way, knowing that even at such a  young age life could already be going so wrong.

When we were all done playing we walked back to our rooms as a group. The days continued on like this; breakfast, group talk, activity, lunch, group talk, alone time, dinner, and one last group talk before our nightly free time and going to sleep. Each day the activity changed however, sometimes we went outside, other days we went to the art room and painted our feelings. By the sixth night I had all of my paintings hung in my room, along with some that my new friends had made for me.

I grew closer with everyone there, and as the week came to an end it was hard to say goodbye to all my new found friends as they were released from the hospital, never to be seen again. On the last day it was just me and Noah left along with the new group of people that had come that week. I think back of how Noah became my closest friend I had ever had within a matter of one week. I told him everything including the night my life came to an end, he told me everything about coming out to his parents and their reluctant acceptance. I had accepted him for anything just as he had for me. We even began to talk about boys, the ones we’ve been with, the ones we wanted, and the ones we knew we could never get. I felt like I could trust Noah with my whole life.

When the day finally came for me to leave, it just happened to be his release date too. I guess we were finally ready to enter the real world again, after a week and a half of confinement in this adolescent filled house. However we both agreed it had felt like a year had gone by. No phones, no friends, no contact with the outside world other than the occasional visit from our busy parents. Noah had become my family in those 10 days. I knew I would never forget him.

A little over a year has gone by and I’ve seen Kellie twice and still talk with Noah to this day. Kellie is looking much better as I can no longer see every bone that pierces through her skin. Last time I saw her she introduced me to her girlfriend, who was almost as stunning as Kellie herself. With Noah, I still know what’s going on in his life, his friends throwing him a party for his upcoming 17th birthday. Though I can feel the distance between us and the clarity of our situation; we will never be as close as we were in those 10 days at psychiatric hospital, though I still consider him my best friend; a brother; family.