I am going to see if I can write a story with what has happend to me in the last 2 years of my life maybe that will give me closure for what has happened to me

Ok so I was in 9 th grade first year of high school I was in algebra and there was this new guy Coming in are class so it was exciting he had a werid way about him he was in the back alone quite not taking much so one day I got the courage to talk to him and that is how I got to meet him and as the days followed next quarter we were best friends and turned into more then that boyfriend and girlfriend and he sat next to me in algebra and that was how we started to feel like we loved each other so then we were still together so in love and he loved Writting letters to me and that was his thing was those famous letters some in which I still keep with me

To remind me that he is still there . Then it's 10 th grade I am still with him and he loves me more then words can describe . He then is saying he is trying to get out of his house he is in so like me I feel bad like I always have for him . That's just the heart in me . Then it was in June I had to take exams all week so did he then we had time one day on the day that my whole life changed forever . This day was June 20th ,2014

We'll first off we were just walking around then we found out that the global regents were posted then I figured out I didn't pass so I went and talked to my Counsler she told me I could re take it in August so I did failed it :( anyway now back to my story . So then he came and found me and we walked around and he was trying to console me because I was upset about that and that he told me he was moving .So I was in tears and then we started making out by the gym then we were so into it he asked me if I was ready I dint say anything .Then he put is hand down my pants ,then I said no this is wrong so we walked away .I told him it was out of his pants so he put it back . Then he took me to a janitors closet and asked again I said no ! I was cornered at that point :0 Next thing I no he holds me down slaps me across the face and says  come on  you know you want to .I said no again and then he punched me down there then I let him touch down there .Then we walked out walked upstairs . That day was the worst day of my life .Not does anyone know but he did more to me that day ...........I can't even go into more detail it's to traumatizing for me to even think about Writting it . When it all happend I never said a word to anyone what he did. Then school came back it was October before anyone even knew what he had done. On October 14th I told my counsler what he did to me that day because I broke up with him on the 14 th that's how I had to tell her.

What I wrote to him

         ,

                     I want to move on forget about it but I can't tell my self it never happened lt  wasn't me. It was you who forced me to do something I didn't want to do. Now because this happened  I have all these never ending flashbacks. My mind am everyone else is telling me to tell someone it happened. I hate that you did that to me !!!!! I feel like sometimes it never happened but it did !!!!!! I am so sorry isn't good enough anymore !!! This Isn't about my freind  and your brother  it's about you and me !!!! I should have said no to doing it that it's haunted  me  ever since it happened. You know what ? After today I will probably go and tell my mom what happened because it is taking over making me say do or think things that are defensive towards my family and freinds.
              

I hope you understand !

I am so sorry I have to let go !!!!

           Love, Me

Ps: you know what my freind  was always right you were never good for me !!!!! Also why was she always with me for my safety and my peace of mind !!!!!!!!!
  

Then on October 15 th I had a meeting with My counsler  and my mom and My principal  he was suspend for 6 days. They asked if I wanted more done I said I didn't . Then I was supposed to have a meeting to see if my disability had anything to do with my dession. It did so I was never suspend. Then I had counseling in January .When I went to counsling she wanted me to write him a letter about how I felt about what happend so I did .

Dear  #2

I feel as if you think this is no big deal it is to me. This has changed me.I wish that you would understand that it is a big deal that what you did to me was not the way I ever thought you would treat me. You have made it so much more difficult for me to feel like I have people that are caring about me but they aren't because you tell them what happend and they think its no big dealno cry sometimes because I want to forget and I can't this has made me realize that you should have Respected my no and you didn't. I get so mad when I see you I have to walk away. Do you think all this is just a joke ? Well if you think it is it's not in anyway. I wish I forget this but it's not as easy as it may seem. I felt like you should have cared when I said no to you. This makes me so mad and angry because you say you would never hurt me or let anyone talke me away from you. I wish that you would just understand that what you did to me was the worst thing that has happened to me ever. This has changed me in more ways then you would ever know. I want you to know. that what you did to me has made me realize that in any relationship you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. At that moment when you actually asked me in my heart I was saying no to it then finally it all came out saying no to you out loud. I think you are the worst person ever for putting this app on my shoulders and I aways wounder if you feel guilty too. I wish you knew all the pain

Suffering I feel like I go through everyday. I want you to know that is because you did this to me I will never be the same person. You say that you would never even said it but when I did I didn't think you were going to dis treat me again. I cant believe you try and make it seem like nothing is wrong with me but there is. Then you take away my friends from me.
                  From , Me

Then what was probably my lowest point was that I decided to text a hotline . That was a bad dession because they ended up making everything worse . I was under investigation and everything else also what he did to me was also involved because of what i said . Then I had everyone worried about me and that was the wort for me . Then my moms was trying to figure out why I was like this it was turns out the week before my period so that was why I was so sad. Then I had counseling the next week and had to tell Lori what happened and add in the part about that he hit me across the face and punched me in the stomach . Then also My therapist said that I may have PTSD and also anxiety and such and could esspicaly figure out more of what happened to me in the coming mouths or so also that I kept it in for so long . Then she talked to the investigator and my counsler  and said that all was good. Then I found out the day I re took my global exam that he may be moving . So then he wasn't in school for 2 more days . Then found out on Wensday January 28 that I had passed my regents exam and he moved away for ever :) !!!!!  So then I had counseling the week after and told her the great news and now she has me writing when I have flashbacks and when they happen and why. Then showed me more methods on how to calm my self again . Then I went to thearphy  and I told about this part in the story about him making me bleed :( so then I had to tell my mom so I did and that was it. But I feel so sad now can't cheer up. Then now I have to write yet again another letter to him . It goes like this:

Dear #3

Dear  ,

I am going to start of by saying this I can't belive this even happened.i just need to tell my self it happen but it did and I can't change that. What I have learned is that you hurt me so badly that I am starting to relize that it wasn't my fault it was you who slapped me punched me and held me down that was the worst of it all.Then I could say that I didn't say no but the truth is I did and you know that just as much but you totally act like I never did. I also hope you understand the after effects of on me after. I remember it everyday it's a constant reminder that you even hurt me. I still can't like truelly not say it wasn't my fault. Also I have so many people that truelly get what you did to me was wrong and bad in eveyway. Sure people think I should be over it I am not. Also some don't even belive it happened.

Then I go to theraphy  next week I have my iep meeting iii why :(

Ok so I don't know how much I should add to this but I am adding this I have found this best Freind ever named Madi I mean sure my thearapist   thinks that she is sort of a bad influence and having all this stress from my freinds and I finally let out the part about all my freinds cutting and she asked me if I did it and I said no also she thinks that these unhealthy friendships are in a lot of ways making me worse and Ya she is right I just don't understand that when I did tell her about my mother and father and how that makes me feel is so hard to actually say In front of my mother I mean I love her to death I am just like sick of fighting I just am also afraid of saying something wrong because then I feel defeated after her response I just like don't know how to anymore I am just like so down and I can't even think strait when I am talking with anyone lately I have hardly even talked with my freinds that's how bad I feel I have gotten and school is hell I just don't know anymore it's like I love my parents to death I just don't want to break there heart even more by how I am feeling