There is this darkness inside that is beginning to consume her. On the inside she is screaming and fighting for her life, but on the outside all that everyone can see is a happy young woman. Everyone thinks that she is okay, but she is really screaming for help. She is starting to drown in her all-consuming thoughts of darkness and constant states of flashbacks. Her arms are red from constantly scratching at them in order to get the feeling of him off of her. Her eyes are scrambling around, trying to focus on something, anything. If she can focus on something then everything will be alright. Her perfectionist nature is trying to take over, trying to tell her that she needs to be, act, look a certain way in order to be worthy of anything important. She wants to feel worthy, but she hasn’t felt that way in a long time and she is starting to lose hope of ever feeling that way again. She doesn’t feel worthy, loved, beautiful, strong, if anything she feels the opposite. She feels like if she disappeared for a day no one would notice. Everyone would go about their day as if she never really existed to begin with. No one noticed when she was starting to spiral out of control again, when she started losing weight, when she became too tired to do anything. What makes her think she is worthy of being noticed? She is fighting too many battles all at once. She has tried so hard to forget some of them, but they decided to start again. All it took was one word and the war raged on. She wanted to forget. She needed to forget and now it is at the front of her mind again. It won’t let her forget. It terrifies her that she now has two of these to deal with at once. Two wars. Three wars. Fours wars. There are too many. She feels like her head is going to burst, that her skull will not be able to handle the pressure and will let everything flow out. She has been on the verge of tears for days, eyes burning from holding them back. Her heart is heavy. It feels as if there are a ton of rocks placed on it making her work extremely hard to keep it beating. Breathing takes all her energy. There is no energy left to do anything else in life. She is too tired from fighting the thousands of battles in her mind every day. Sometimes she just needs a reminder that she is alive, that she is going to make it through this because there are some days when she isn’t quite sure if this is all a dream or if she is going to be able to make it to the next day. It is so hard to live in a world that is constantly telling her that she isn’t good enough, she already hears that enough from her mother. Her mother always saying that she needs to change everything about herself in order to be good enough, that she needs to be the smartest to be good enough, that she needs to be the most athletic to be good enough, that she needs to be skinnier to be good enough, but when she does all of these things she still isn’t good enough. There is always something else that she has to do in order to be good enough. She thought she was worthy of something once upon a time, but after the first assault she felt anything but that. He took something from her that she could never get back. So she choose to forget about it. She pushed it to the very back of her mind where she would not have to think about it and it worked for a certain amount of time until it happened again. Then there was two to work through. She tries so hard to get through the day and sometimes it is even too much to handle. She has tried so hard for so long that to give up now would be an insult to everything that she has worked for. But God how she want everything to be over. How she wishes that she wouldn’t have to try anymore, that it will all just be over and go away. She wants it to go away. She wants to forget again. She worked so hard and she is back in the same spot she was three years ago and she feels disheartened. She hasn’t been herself for months yet no one seemed to notice just how different she really was. She feels as though God has abandoned her and left her in a cold and dark tunnel that has no end. She doesn’t know how to see the light at the end. There is too much darkness inside of her. She is trying so hard. She has been trying so hard for so long, fighting a losing battle for so long. She is trying. Why can’t she see that she is trying? Why can’t anyone see that she is trying? No one seems to notice how hard she is trying to survive. Surviving drains her of all of her energy leaving her breathless and exhausted, but she is in a constant state of fear, never able to truly let herself relax. Afraid that her past traumas will come
That terrifies her the most, the thought that all of her pain could amount for nothing, that it had all been for nothing. Nothingness terrifies her. She fears nothingness beyond what words can describe. That nothingness which is so cold and empty that when she looks upon it her heart aches and trembles.