The time I thought everything was gone

So before I begin telling you all about the many things I've accomplished (wink), let me ask you a question: when have you felt like the world just stopped. When did you think that everything you say, see and do just causes negativity and self destruction. I know it sounds like I'm telling you to describe all the bad stuff when time time is supposed to be one of inspiration and excitement but reality is we need to see both sides of this coin. Tell me let's say a few months ago you started off your first year of college off to a good start. You've me tons of people, got excellent grades in all your classes and life seems well awesome. Then mid semester comes. The weather changes, it's cold and my version of cold is 65 degrees. Don't get me wrong I'm a Cali girl so that's why. Anyhow, the leaves that changed color are falling. And so do your grades. You return to your dorm when your roommate isn't there and all you could think. Damn what a crappy day. You end up crying for like an hour frustrated about how that one math class is screwing over your GPA. Why can't I just be good? That was me last semester except in a whole different setting of junior year in high school. Yep THAT year. All it's about is APs GPAs and SATs. College is seen as well you have to reach the best of the best because mr perfect Philip and his twin Howard are going to take all the awards and beat you in the so called 'nerd race' to see who will get iNto MIT or Harvard before anyone else. That year. Probably was the worst year out of all my years at this school. It's not because I scored low on my standardized tests or got that one B in AP CALC that to know I've fixed with retaking that class last year. The reason why it was so horrible? I began to realize how much of myself I've lost through studying my ass off the years before. I felt hopeless when it came to social events not because I had trouble finding someone to go but rather the notorious barrier I had: wait for it. Racial divide. I along with maybe three or four other Chicanos were the only Latinos maintained the Latino heritage. We stuck to our roots by embracing who we are. This becomes more prevalent senior year but junior year we we're all fragmented by the whites and Asians. We were tainted through actions, not through words. First strike: scholarships. I along with my fellow Latina lizette were the only Hispanics (the others as we low to call them claimed they were Hispanic with just 20% and the other 80% being white) in the junior class. So we kind of were wallflowers in the race arena despite our academic accomplishments or well I should say mine. I was taking three APs, pulled As in all my classes l which were advanced including these APs and I always challenge myself to do the best that I can despite the struggle. I finished the semester with all As exempt calc and I felt proud but tired with school. So winter break come and goes. I come
Back for an award assembly in January and three junior kids were called up the the stage. All of them received a thousand dollar scholarship for their academic successes. Eleni who had the same GPA as me, took only two APs and all regular classes receive  it for excellence in English and history. Philip and Howard got it for science and math. But what did all these kids have in common: they're white and Asian. Never has a Hispanic received this scholarship. It's just...uncommon or should I say, not allowed. So I sat there in the award assembly and I felt like I had in seventh grade: degraded; unintelligent; good for nothing child who cries her eyes her eyes yet and accomplishes nothing. This is the exact reason why school is the killer. This is the very reason why ivy league colleges exist. It's all a game that all you minority children are blind to play. You see them white folks on stage, taking away all the "glory" and "fame" making you question your own existence, your own purpose in life while they hold up their medal with fake pride. Yep yep yep. Those highly selective colleges want you, the pawn, to pay them, the king, so that little pawn of a human you are, can be played by them. Isn't that a sad reality. Know for a fact that college admissions and the entire application process itself is a game. You have to decide which side, if any, you are on. If you're like me, you'd stick to the right side where the sun shines and the Beach calls, where you are free to do as you please. Others that are not like me make the mistake of the left, not to say the left is failure or anything but it's the side every college (especially ivies) expect your to be on: the house of masks.  The house of fakeness galore! Colleges tell you don't lose yourself in the process , just be you and we'll accept you, of course you're not a number, holistic process. All of this words are euphemisms for perfection. Lies all lies! Must be this with this GPA with this talent with this skin color. All those factors change who you ARE!!! For god's sake let the poor kid talk (oh wait. The kid can't because his personal statement and sat scores are extremely below the cut. Sorry little child! No way will you go on in life and become successful because you didn't get into Harvard. FAILURE!! Written all over that application and all you Receive is the wonderful thin letter that you prayed to god you wouldn't Receive). Isn't it amazing how much stress these colleges are causing seniors to even middle school students today. It's part of American culture to teach their kids at an early age that Harvard is the way, the truths and the light. These colleges are making millions off of other people's stress. Put it this way. The more you stress, the more money the school receives. Sounds idiotic  I know, but that is the reality. Students hide their stress by saying "I love a challenge" or "I'm fine thanks for asking" they put on the MASK. You see that happy child in the kindergarten yearbook, where all you had to worry about was recess time, being nice or everyone and nap time. Don't you understand that this time in your life was the most liberating? The most intelligent? Let's just say about little to no stress what's so ever academic wise. Compare a kindergarten to a senior in high school. Stress meter; thorough the freaking roof! APs SATs ACTs, GPAs. Alphabet soup. Scholarships. All three things run through the mind of the "well rounded" kids applying to ivies. Pretty soon that sunshine surrounding Harvard will become a dark haven that engulfs you in the battle of you. The battle of you? What do you mean by this? Life? Oh no no no! It's who you are. You fight yourself to be yourself. Isn't strange that high schoolers nowadays struggle with so much identity and self issues like never before? Can we blame colleges for this entirely? Not necessarily. Can we put the blame on arrogant teens? No. Who can we blame? Media? Nope. Money. Nope. THEN WHO DO WE BLAME! That's the problem right there: finding  the source of a problem rather than a solution. We want to find the reason why rather than understand how or what. Colleges pressure kids to develop this mentality: I'm national merit scholar, I'm better than you. I'll take your test, guess the answers, clean my hands from taking the test from a god forsaken minority ugh! And I'll be on my way thankyouverymuch. It's...
Why? Why do these colleges money and power influence teens nowadays? It's the inevitable fate of this nation. The epitome of it can bee seen in the elections. Yes we all know me trump is racist and mean (well we minorities do), he is the symbol of what every other nation perceives America as: a businessman, billionaire, nazi racist running America? What a joke America is! And this portrayal of power money and greed is seen with teens in college. Ivies ivies ivies chanted left and right, in conjunction  with money money money. We want power we want power we want (white) power! ¡Ay Dios mío! Me voy a morir en una nación de hipócritas! Oh I apologize for my um "French" did I offend you? I'm sorry. Yep. We apologize for the faults of this society and our loss of culture and identity. We apologize for our existence when we are the ones being degraded and discriminated on. Minorities out there if you find this and read it please know that we are not failures. We are not white. We have been damaged by the white man yes, but we are strong (I love how Siri places "wrong" instead. White is right with this phone. Irony) we will fight even though it is not physical violence. It's the antithesis of white is right: Color unites. Color is Us. White is wrong. Relating this to the topic of college, don't forget who you are. It's a game yes but you have the power to master it. To complete it. No winning in this game because that's what the white man instilled in you: win while the losers die. Survival of the fittest (dear ole  Darwin, an Englishman) that changes who you are. I have fallen into that trap of being perfect and I cannot remember who I am anymore. Know that you future, doctors lawyers, businessmen, innovators etc. you will reach that goal one step at a time. Making caring common will come into fruition only if we unite.only if we are the markers for change in this corrupt society. We have the power to change not only college admissions, but the world for the better. I stare at my Gray's  anatomy book. A teardrop.

Silence