Dear Ex-boyfriend, 

Thank you for showing me want I want in a relationship. You were ok until you started treating me like s*** and liking other girls. I wanted to be friends but that’s not going to happen. It’s nice to know that you could move on from our 2 month 'thing' and 5 month relationship this quickly. I want to let you know that I already have someone wanting to date me. Do you? I wasn’t sure if I was ready to move on, but now I’m pretty positive I am. I’m so glad that you're going around telling people how happy that you “ended that” (our relationship). Did you forget I was the one to call to figure out what was wrong with you? I was also the one who tried to fix things between us, but its takes 2 to keep a relationship going. I know that you THINK those two girls like you.  I love to break it to you that they don’t. You aren’t their type. Do you really think you have a chance? You suck at kissing. You don't know what to do with your lips. You weren’t the man in the relationship. You aren’t funny. You’re not cute. You aren’t as smart as you think you are. And you suck at flirting.  The only thing you got going for you is your big puppy dog eyes.  Sorry, but most people think they're creepy. Now because I’m a nice person, here’s some tips on how to make your next relationship work.

• Make plans- at the beginning of our lovely relationship kind of tried, but stopped.  If you ever want to date a girl, or a boy, you need to try to make plans at least once a week.

•  Work on kissing. You suck at it. You need to get some work done on the big nose of yours so that you can actually kiss someone without it getting in the way. When you kiss someone, don’t act  like your yawning. You only have to open it so much. Also get your braces off. Like for real, you have had them since 4th grade. When you kiss the way you do, the braces make it very hard to want to kiss you again.

• Text her, or him, good morning- it's just a simple thing to do when you wake up. I guess you never thought to do that for me, so thoughtful.

• Be nice to her friends- you treated my friends like s***. It’s not ok to call your GIRLFRIEND’s friends s***s, b****es, or annoying. You can think it all you want, but it’s not ok to tell them, or your girlfriend that. If you don’t like her friends then you might as well break up because a girl will always choose her friends over a guy (and they should). Because once you go and stop liking her, her friends will be there to make her feel better and to help her get over your sorry ass.  And don’t you ever try to blame your break up on her friends because that is just bull s***. My friends didn’t even talk to you unless I was with them, so don’t go and try to blame your mistakes on them.

• Lastly and this is the most important. IF YOU DON’T LIKE HER, DON’T BE A JERK AND PLAY WITH HER EMOTIONS! TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!- It really hurts when you feel like something is wrong but the person you care about won’t tell you what’s wrong. She has to try to figure it out herself, and when she tries talk to him, it seems like she is annoying him.

I really did want to be friends, but I don’t like being friends with assholes. Sorry not sorry.

Take care,

The best ex girlfriend you will ever have the pleasure of knowing