I flung myself into the pool with the start of the buzzer.   On my second turn, it hit me.  I couldn’t breathe, and I thought my head might explode like a bomb from the pressure.  I scrambled out of the pool as fast as I could.  I was so dizzy; I felt that I had been shaken up in a snow globe.  I had black spots like the snow flying past my face, as I sat down on the bench.  I brought my arms up, they were heavy rocks, to catch my breath and calm myself. 

I relaxed as the wind whizzed passed my face going down the first hill screaming at the top of my lungs.  I spent the whole first week of school at Gatlinburg and spent my birthday in Dollywood.  I had been to Gatlinburg, the lake, and Orlando for at least a week each.  The next week appeared back to the brick, red jail, the place most people call school.  My life began to fall apart slowly in front of me but rapidly in my tender heart.  My best friend decided I didn’t exist to the world.  She ignored me and became best friends with other people.  She seemed to be making terrible decisions and had dense ideas.  Sitting at the cafeteria table speaking with our friends, my friend spoke, “Guys, I had a great time at National Convention.  We got to go to Hooters.” 

I replied, “Do you think it was appropriate with your text at the bottom of your post?”  She gave me a dirty look and didn’t say much, but I knew she was angry with me.  She replied, “It’s my life and it shouldn’t matter to you!”  I couldn’t be a part of this chaos anymore, so I backed away.

During this whole time, the rest of my world caught on fire and began to burn away with the smell of ash in the air.  A couple weeks after, I noticed something on Facebook that was usually from my cousin.  She posted that my cousin was out of the hospital and doing much better.  I started searching my brain to think what she might be talking about, and I perceived he had health problems.  I felt worried, so I asked my mom what was going on.  She unfolded the story of how it all began.  She said, “Michaela, Nick tried to kill himself.” 

“How?” I replied.

She told me, “I’m not sure they didn’t tell me, but all I know is that he was put in a mental hospital.”  I stayed in totally despair with what she uttered to me.  I couldn’t take in and comprehend it at that period.  This thought ran through my mind: ‘I wonder if I could’ve done something.’  My bloody red heart submerged even lower in my body.

Weeks proceed on, and my friend seemed to ignore me still.  She was being rude to teachers, and she would have never done it in the past.  I never thought she would stoop this low.

A week later, my dad gave me a call, asking if I desired to go camping.  I gladly accepted to get my head out of this murky dark hole.  Little did I know it would get worse.  My dad, sisters, my brother-in-law, and I relaxed around the bright warm fire.  All of sudden my dad spoke in his loud intimidating voice and notified us the he might be getting a divorce.  I possessed so much blistering anger that I thought I might explode like a bomb.  I craved to scream at him and pour my melted heart out thinking, ‘You are still not happy even after four marriages!’ I didn’t say much that whole night, and I kept in everything.

The next week I stumbled into the car with my mom after swim practice.  I was aware something was wrong, so I asked her, “Are you okay?” 

She replied back, “Maryann, passed away yesterday.”  My great aunt died.  I remained in shock, and I sunk back in my comfy seat.  She asked, “ Are you okay?”  I really didn’t even know what to say, but I said, “Yes,” trying to stay strong.  She glanced over at me and realized I wasn’t.  I began to cry like a rushing waterfall.  ‘I kept thinking to myself, ‘I let her down.  I had let my great aunt down.’  I promised Maryann I would go see her, and I didn’t.  I didn’t make time to go see her.  I felt like the worse person in the world.  I didn’t handle her death that well.  The next day, I inquired her son if I could have something of hers.  He said, “Yes, she would have wanted you to have something.”  A few days later, we proceeded to her home, and her son displayed everything out in the garage on tables getting ready for the garage sale.  She loved angels and this particular one caught my eye that I thought my eyes glistened like glass.  The angel sat there in the kneeling position praying with a golden halo.  I gathered a few more items up first.  Finally, I returned back to that magical angel, and her son said something to me before I could even ask if it were okay to take it.  He informed me that her best friend gave that to her, and it seemed extremely special to her.  “Thank you so much,” I told him. 

“She would’ve wanted you to have it,” he assured. I thanked him again, and when I climbed into the car, I took a look at the white ceramic angel closer.  On the bottom it said, I will be always watching over you.  I felt if she appeared in that exact moment telling me, everything would be okay and the dark grim area could be gone.  I anticipated the bright light was going to burst through the dark, but it never did.

A few weeks later, my friend was talking with me now, but it still seemed to not be the same.  At this point, I didn’t care for her opinion or anything about her.  I just spoke with her as an acquaintance and moved on. 
Back at home, my grandma and my mom began to fight all the time.  They both seemed angry with me every second of the day.  The people who should be there for someone always weren’t.  A week later, I prepared myself to conquer the 200 I.M in swimming.  I didn’t want to have anxiety attack again, but when I jumped in, it hit me.  A wild hurricane, I couldn’t move, and I felt my lungs panic.  I climbed out of the pool as my fellow teammates came over and helped me count to relax my body.  I was done with swimming, and I wanted to quit.   At this time in my life, I didn’t love or care about anything.  I wanted to quit any activities I was involved in.  My grades dropped, and I didn’t pay attention in class.  I didn’t do my homework, and I became angry with everyone.  I finally opened up to my mom and discussed my problems with her.  She declared I should speak with my guidance counselor.  I walked into the counselors room in a slumped way as I plopped myself down in the plastic bucket chair.  My counselor gave me one look and knew something seemed wrong.  I told her about how I had been feeling and about the swimming incident.  She took a moment to process everything.  She opened her lips and spoke with her soft voice as she told me horrifying news.  “Michaela, I think you have anxiety and slight depression.”  Again, there I was in front of a new person, getting hit with a solid cement wall. 

I replied, “Okay.”  I couldn’t deal this at the moment.  She discussed with me that I needed to take time to tell my mom.  I spoke with my mom, and she didn’t say too much.  I just forgot about it and moved on with my daily life. 

A couple days later, there I appeared in front of the unstable metal blocks to take off for my 200 I.M.  I saw my mom at the end, giving me thumbs up that gave me reassurance.  The called us up on the block, and I pulled back.  I flew off the blocks and I submerged to the surface.  As I finished my last lap, I couldn’t help but smile a little.  I jumped out of the pool as I sweep my feet quickly across the wet tile.  I approached my mom and gave her a humongous hug.  That moment was a turning point

After the elephant appeared to be lifted from my heavy sunken chest, I began to get better.  I started doing activities that were relaxing and pushed me to my limits.  I opened up more and spoke openly on how I felt.  I’m content now and confident with my life day after day.  I get up in the morning and give myself a gigantic smile every morning.