I always felt like an open and social person until the first time I came to the United States for summer school.

Everyone was sitting together in the big theater, ready to hear about the announcement that was to be given to welcome everyone. The theater was crowded, full of people, and noise and excitement were rising from every part of the theater. Everyone was talking emotionally at once, eager to express their ideas, making exaggerated gestures, trying to make himself or herself stand out from the group.

I was closely observing them because I wasn’t part of all this. I noticed from all around that the groups of students talking together usually didn’t include Asian students. There always seemed to be an invisible barrier between us and them. When they were speaking, they turned to people with similar hair color, eye color and skin color, but not us. We might look different, might speak a different language, might not be so good at English, but deep inside we do also really need recognition and are trying to blend in.

“Hi, what’s your name? Nice to meet you.” I slowly pronounced every word carefully and greeted to one of the girls sitting beside me. She had dark hair, a delicate face and unbelievably long eyelashes. She smiled to me and said hi. We exchanged a few sentences, and then the conversation stopped short. There were still a million things hovering in my mind: What is your favorite music band? Do you play any musical instrument? What cluster are you in for the summer school? Where do you live? What sports do you play? ......

But the questions just failed to turn into words. Unfortunately, I wasn’t capable of holding a conversation with a foreign student so long at that time. Language was a huge barrier. I was afraid to speak up, afraid to communicate with students from the States, afraid that my English is not good enough. But moreover, there was so little we have in common.

“Have you seen the latest episode of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix? It’s awesome! You have to watch it.” The charming girl, Sophia, who was sitting next to me, turned to me and asked. But I didn’t even know what she was talking about. She also had her favorite band, but it was a name I’d never heard of. She said she came from Atlanta, but which part of the US is that?!

I thought about this. I come from a different country with its own culture, so that leads to different cultural backgrounds. Things might be the same the other way around; if a foreign student comes to our country, it’s highly possible that he/she does not understand what we’re talking about, and thus gets excluded and isolated because he/she is an outsider. That was exactly what the role I was playing at the summer school, and I couldn’t feel worse. I felt like I had to talk to them or I’d never be able to speak up, but the cowardice inside me held me back. And I believe this kind of inner conflict is the reason that stops me from making American friends.

All in all, it felt terrible to be an outsider, and it always is. Luckily, things can be done to make the situation better. From that experience, I learned that instead of throwing myself into a passive position, I should regain the initiative. Be positive and be confident. It might not be the American students who are dodging from the international students, but the international students who are running away from American students. It was more of my fault instead of theirs. Stop eluding and just be who you truly are. And you’ll shine bright like a diamond.

I never want to be an outsider again.