I wake up to the sound of birds chirping in the warm spring morning. I face myself in the mirror repeating, “today will be a good day” over, and over, and over. But when I truly wake up it all comes back to me, my dreams have sadly ended. It seems that many people have this theory that you can control every last thought in the back of your mind. They say that for every negative thought you should replace it with three positives, but the only thing I am positive of is that whoever came up with that theory, does not quite get what is going on in my mind. One side of my brain has the never ending thought that I should end this life right here and now; on the other side I could never get to actually doing that. I have two different worlds on two different sides of my mind.

So how do I stop this constant stream of thoughts? Short answer: I don’t. No matter where I am this thought is here, some days it’s so intense that  I can’t do anything about it, other days it seems to calm down a little. I could be surrounded by all my favourite people laughing from a story one of my friends told, then all of a sudden my stomach drops, like I am going down the 300ft drop after the top of a roller coaster, and my whole world changes from colourful to gray. In these moments I can’t get a word out of my mouth. All I can do is stand there seeing everyone smile and laugh well I am slowly getting further and further away, and then, I drown. I am no longer standing with my friends, I can no longer speak, I can barely hear a word you are saying. Because I am no longer me. I am drowning under the ocean well everyone else is standing on the warm sandy beach.

You see, each day is different, some are exactly how I explained, others I just stop caring about everything, going to school, the words people say, getting dressed in the morning or waking up in total. But it is not that I do not care, it is that I do not have the energy to care. When all of this happens I get so tired and all I want to do is shut my eyes, turn off my brain, and hide away.

Some of the other days I am numb, I feel nothing at all. I could stare at a blank wall for 5 minutes straight without completely realizing I am staring at it. During these five minutes of a staring contest with the wall my mind gets lost, I think too much that it becomes not thinking at all. My mind gets lost somewhere in between every single thought in my mind and nothing at all and then it completely shuts down, once again this hole inside my stomach has appeared more intensely than the day before.

For many times during a day I can be very happy and for a couple of minutes these thoughts disappear. I may even hide these thoughts so well that people start to forget. This is when they think it is over, but just to warn you. It is not. Yes, I am happy and I forget everything, and these moments feel amazing. I finally feel like this life I am actually living. But then it comes back again, so I try to hide it with a smile or a fake laugh. After asking if I am okay you may even start to believe it. Even I start to believe it. Until the hole inside of me arrives, and once again, I feel empty.