I am any gender you want me to be but I must be somewhere between 19 and 38 years old. My education is somewhere between high school and graduate level just like a majority of my peers. I am privileged by appearance and spoils from my parents.

Make no mistake, I understand what it's like to be a minority and for someone to live in total poverty. My mother had to do as much for a majority of her life and I have visited her hometown many times. Therefore, I know what worse looks like and try to acknowledge what I have.

My parents never divorced and I am greatful because I saw what it did to my peers who were never able to understand why their parents did.

I have one older sibling. When we were younger our relationship was unstable at best and defined a lot of who I am now. We actually talk now. In long conversations we find out just how similar we are and become better siblings rather than the strangers we were to eachother all these years.

I grew up isolated. I went to public school but it was difficult to make close friendships when I lived so far away. I talked to people I rode the bus with. There I discovered gross and cruel and nice and humble. The bus is where I said my first cuss word and made some of my best friends.

Home at the time was paradise. I did my homework, went outside for hours, and dove straight into new books once I could read well enough. I enjoy learning more than most.

Based on everything so far, I am average. A completely average kid who wanted to explore everything outside and inside my head.

My dad taught me a lot. Like most dads, he taught me everything he knew in his way. I know he was always proud of us, but it seemed like he just wanted us to be happy being above average. Maybe instead of wanting us to succeed in everything he just wanted to show us that we could if we wanted to.

Growing up it always felt as though we were under pressure because of this. If I continued along this path, I might have grown to be the top of my class and gotten accepted to an exceptional university.

As time passed and I changed, my environment changed almost completely with me. I didn't leave the school system I always been in, but I left isolation and moved on to middle school and met all new people who somehow became my friends.

Within this time period I learned more about the social aspects of life. I learned to distrust, hurt and fight with people. I learned about where someone like me fit inside the everything else around me. I thought I didn't. It was here. This is when I began coping with depression, suicidal ideation and self medicating. I surrounded myself with people who ( I felt) had a right to feel awfu under their circumstances. These people held a a losing hand in the life they were leading and felt the same as I did because of it. They made me feel weak for feeling this way after not losing as much. I, still a spoiled and average kid, consistantly felt like walls were closing in around me even though my friends were the ones calling because they needed a voice to talk them out of it, they needed a friend to talk to while their parents fought outside their room, they needed a place to stay because at 11 years old they were kicked out of their homes. 

I will never forget the suffering coming from the other end of the line...

My grades dropped. Not signifigantly at first but just enough to get a family discussion. I needed to spend less time with my friends. I needed to try to be better because I was.

But I argued and snuck out and got grounded and fought to escape what my parents believed was right. A teenager does these things. But I also attempted to take my life, stole alcohol and ditched school with practiced teacher's pet excuses. I think I just wanted control of anything but I never got it.

In high school I vowed to change and put myself in a better light. While I grew and made better decisions, the light just seemed to become darker. I made some of my best friends the second year in but started thinking more and more and more and more. I still wanted control. I wrote about current events, and heartbreak and anger and politics. I wrote about societal apathy and how angry it made me to be a part of something broken. I put all my emotion towards everything that wasn't directly about me. By doing this I could divert my feelings off of my failures and all that lay closer. I wanted to change the world.

I overthought everything and it caught up to my everyday decisions. Sometimes I would call in sick just because I didn't want everyone to see me and how much worse I was than them. I thought about dropping out of high school because I felt eyes looming over me all the time secretly saying I am not good enough. I struggled doing work in school because of this. My grades got worse as the years went on. Teachers praised me for participating in discussion but wondered why no homework or classwork made it to the grading table. I started seeing a therapist.

I got the reputation of being intelligent but lazy. I am a millennial after all.

I still managed to graduate after some of the teachers who liked me took pitty and gave me grades I didn't deserve. They might tell you something different.

After graduation I got a job and lost it. Went on a trip and sat in my room for months. I painted excessively becauseI spent all the money I earned and all I had for presents to give to friends or family were paintings made with leftover canvases and paint.

I visited Europe. Came back.

Lived with some crazy people

Live with some less crazy people

Found someone to love

Got a job, lost a job, got a job, lost a job

and now I am here.

A millennial with mild amounts of self-worth and anger. A person who is lazy and afraid of failure. Someone who some people look up to but who many look down on.

I just don't want anyone to look at me anymore. I want them to listen