I am a girl, a sixteen-year-old girl. I have black, short hair, and brown, sunken eyes with thick, bushy eyebrows. I’m very confused about what I category I fit into, who I am. Am I a child? How should I be treated? How should I think of myself? How should I want others to see me? Over the years, I have become split into three different people. They have things in common, but they act differently, use distinct words, and wear different clothes. I wonder if the different parts of myself would be friends. I imagine K.C. #1 with her mascara and sarcasm laughing at K.C. #2’s way of talking, while K.C. #3 just stares at them, speaking to herself. I used to think I knew which one I really am. I don’t anymore. Maybe I’m just a mixture of all three or none of them. Maybe who I really am is still inside of me, watching everything on a T.V. inside my brain while waiting to sprout, to take her rightful place as my personality. I’m not sure which me I like best.

K.C. #1 is my public persona. Sarcasm is her middle name. She is grossed out by hugs, says a lot of dirty jokes and often hides behind a book. She puts both of her earbuds on, even though the left side doesn’t work, and she wears mascara because of a lyric she heard in a Belle and Sebastian song. K.C. #1 doesn’t let people look her in the eyes. Her worst fear is letting people know what she’s thinking. If she wants them to know, they will. She can be sweet to new friends, especially girls. With boys, she usually starts a love/hate relationship, because she finds teasing them to be fun. Eventually, she lets her guard down and her kindness is felt by all. She doesn’t believe much in love. She watches the show The Office when she’s in a place she hates to make it more bearable. She is an outspoken feminist. Like K.C. #2 and K.C. #3, The Beatles and Star Wars are her life.

K.C. #2 is my family persona. She comes out when I get home. She talks like a little baby and eats with her hands. She loves hugging her family. She’s silly and walks around with no shoes or bra. She talks a lot about defecation and her dreams. She hates porn and hides her face when people kiss in movies. All she wants is to be a kid forever and overdose on ice cream. She can be very unkind to her grandma but always feels horrible after. She can be extremely dramatic. She dislikes the light because it burns her eyes, but hates being in complete darkness. Sometimes, she’s possessive and tries not to be. She dances and sprints around her house while singing in an operatic tone. Vampire films annoy her, as does her family’s constant rewatching of The Mummy. Like K.C. #1 and K.C. #3, she loves her family more than anything.

K.C. #3 is who I am when I am alone. She looks at herself in the mirror and practices conversations. She talks to herself in the bathroom and makes long lists of things she enjoys, hates and wants to accomplish. She thinks about death and writes about it. She makes clay models and has private, 60’s music dance sessions. She has a fear that a ghost shark will come out when she’s showering. She watches a lot of independent movies. Daydreaming is ongoing in her head and she naps a lot so she can dream more. She sticks out her tongue at random times because she fears she will swallow it. She stares at ants and cages them in plastic containers. She hopes the ants will help each other survive, but they never do. She thinks a lot about her sexuality and changes her mind every week about whether or not she wants children. She sings to herself and writes what she sings. She wonders when her voice will crack and if love is real. She wants it to be. She secretly wants the type of relationship Johnny Cash had with June Carter, but then barfs at the idea of letting someone other than her family know she loves them. She puts paper balls in  in the middle of her two last toes because she hates the feeling of having her fingers squished together. Like K.C #1 and #2, she’s happy, but unhappy. All three are weirdos.

One is a teenager, one is a child and the other is behind closed doors. Sometimes they clash together. When my family meet my friends, K.C. #1 puts the sarcasm to the side and lets K.C. #2 do some of her silliness, but with K.C. #1 still keeping charge. It’s odd when this happens. My mind feels strange. I feel like I’ve been leading secret lives behind everyone’s back. K.C. #3 sometimes comes out in school. When no one is near me, I start singing to myself and looking out the window and daydreaming. When I’m caught, I revert back to K.C. #1 and I read a book. I think of K.C. #3 as a ghost. She’s always in the background, waiting until she can show herself again.

I guess all of them are me, but then where do I fit in? What type of person am I? A child, a teenager and a ghost. A teenager with a childlike personality who can be reserved and observant. A child who is of teenage age. A ghost who is both a teenager and a child. Maybe the real question is, why do I even have to define myself? Why do I feel the stress of being a specific something and checking off a box? I’m all of the above and more. All three personalities are me. Maybe everyone has different personas. I like to think I’m not the only one. For now, I’ll try to let K.C. #3 out more, and let my family talk a bit more to K.C. #1. K.C. #2 always tries to find her way out. She likes talking.