Wow, this is a really long story... I honestly can't say I finished it. However, I enjoyed the action, when it arrived- I thought you spent far too much time on the little details at the school, and that was (not trying to be mean) somewhat boring. I would suggest spicing things up with imagery and fine-tuning the dialogue. Also I found quite a few misplaced commas, which made it feel a little awkward. 

You obviously have no trouble getting your ideas down on paper (something that I stumble over sometimes), but the next step is to edit and move towards the ideal tone you're trying to achieve. A well-purposed, lively summary paragraph will serve you better than three pages of in-depth detailing of subjects not essential to your core story.

Again, I was impressed by the length and bredth of this work, and was interested by the premise, but got lost in the endless details. I'm sorry for this really long comment, but I thought I'd add my opinion. Overall, good job :)