My dad and I were best friends, I got my love for the ocean and surfing from him. He taught me how to surf when I was five, and he and I go every chance we get; or we used to. The water was extremely warm the day of the accident and we just completely ignored it, looking back I wish we didn’t. We got pretty far out in the dark blue water to catch the next big wave making its way closer to the shore.

“If we want to ride the best Hawaiian roller coaster we’ve seen all day we better go out a little farther”, he said.

 We paddled out maybe five more feet and then everything went in slow motion. Smiling, knowing this was going to be the best wave all day I turned to see if he was ready. I only saw his board at first, his head coming up and go under the water, I was frozen, time was moving in slow motion. I think I even held my breath, scared that if I moved in anyway my dad would be gone forever.

 “Margot!”

he called frantically knocking me out of my trance, the shark was gone and so was my dad’s leg. Paddling faster than my arms could go I rushed us to shore, but I was too late.

            I can’t help but sit here, almost a year later I still hear his last words as if he had just spoken them to me,

“Margot, I love you, never be afraid to get back in the water, keep on making me proud. Tell your mother I love her.”

 I’ve been stuck in my own thoughts replaying my every action, rethinking the scene in every possible way for a different outcome. My mom hasn’t been the same since, and I think she blames me…I blame myself too. I miss the girl I used to be, I long to be her, the happy-go-lucky girl that I once was…she’s just lost.

            My best friend Nadine has tried, unsuccessfully, to get me back to the ocean because she knows I’m always my happiest there, but I can’t go back, I just can’t. Nadine hates seeing me like this or at least that’s what she told me, and of course I feel awful having her worry about me all the time. I haven’t been eating lately and I just hang out alone in my room to drown in my thoughts. Nadine always asks,

 “have you eaten anything today?”,

Or,

 “how did you sleep last night?”.

 Knowing I don’t sleep much at all because every time I close my eyes all I see is the panic that took over my dad and the fear he tried to hide in those ocean eyes of his.

            There’s been an unbearable weight on my shoulders and I can’t help but feel I’m letting my father down, I’m letting Nadine down, my mom and even myself. But today when I was waiting for the blinding yellow sun to come up, as it does every morning without hesitation, I heard my mom moving around down stairs. She’s never up this early, I couldn’t help my curiosity and I pulled myself up, awkwardly walked down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Good morning honey, I just got done making breakfast. I was about to come up and wake you”, she was facing the sink, her voice bounced off the kitchen window into my ears.

 “Morning Mom, it looks delicious”,

 I forced myself to say it. It was strange because we hadn’t really talked much since the accident. She hadn’t made breakfast in such a long time, and despite not really having an appetite these days, I was starving in that moment.

            After breakfast, my mom started making lunch but started packing it away in the cooler we always took to the beach. I couldn’t help my heart from fluttering with excitement but also throbbing with remorse, even my heart couldn’t make up its mind on how to feel.

“Are you going somewhere?”, I managed to get out,

“We are going somewhere. To the beach, it’s too beautiful to sit inside.”

Today was exactly one year since the last day I was at the beach with my dad and I know she knew, nobody could forget something so significant.

 “I’m not sure I want to go, you know with it being a year today and…”

 I was cut off,

“Margot, I’m not letting you sit home alone, not today.”

 I walked upstairs defeat took over my body, I knew there was no getting out of this. I was contemplating even putting on my bathing suit, there’s no way I was getting in. For the first time in a year I was wearing a bathing suit. Honestly some weight lifted off my shoulders even though I hate to admit it. I didn’t want to make a scene and upset my mom.

            We got to the beach the warm salty air smacking my face; suffocating me. I stepped onto the sand removing my flip flops, allowing the hot soft sand to squish between my toes. The moment I felt the sand every happy memory I ever had here washed over me, conversations with my dad about catching the Hawaiian roller coaster echoed in my mind. I couldn’t help myself, my legs started running towards the ocean and once they reached it, I felt like I was home. For the first time in a year I didn’t feel lost, the weight completely left my shoulders, and I succumbed to the feeling of love that had been out of my reach for a year now. For the first time since that day, I felt like I wasn’t disappointing my dad. And, for the first time in a year, I felt a smile stretch across my face, a genuine happy smile. I even saw my mom smiling, oh, how I missed that smile. I noticed a familiar face standing next to my mom, Nadine! I rushed out of the water to see my best friend smiling, I honestly haven’t seen her this happy in a while.

“I’m glad you finally came home”, she said,

 “me too”, I said as I hugged her.

I got on a surfboard for the first time since the accident, the same board I was on that day, Nadine right by my side. I went straight out, searching for the first wave of the day. Riding that wave, I found that happy-go-lucky girl I had searched so long and hard for. She was back I finally found myself again, and I knew my dad was proud of me. I could feel it.

 “The Hawaiian roller coaster missed you!”,

Nadine shouted as we were riding the biggest wave I’d seen that today.

“I think I missed it more!”,

 I shouted back smiling to myself, because my dad always called the water the Hawaiian roller coaster. I hadn’t had this much fun in such a long time, I felt like I could breathe again without feeling guilty. No feeling of being a burden to Nadine either, and I can’t believe I was so blinded by my own feelings. I never saw that my mom didn’t blame me, all this time she was just worried about me. I reached the shore and ran to my mom giving her a hug

 “thank you”, was all I said

“you’re welcome”, she whispered while nodding her head.

 It’s been months and I’ve been in the water every day. I’m not lost anymore. My mom and Nadine helped me see that. Even through the tragedy, being in the ocean and riding the waves; my dad was still here.