Over the next two weeks, I became friends with Virgil Allen Parker. I would even say that we were really close friends by then. We began to hang out at each other's houses and play video games. I remember beating him at Mario Kart every time, and how angry he got. He would accuse me of cheating and then tackle me, and we would wrestle. It always ended with us both laughing in a tired heap. 
By October, something seemed to change. I was at Virgil's house, and we were playing Mario Kart on his Wii, as always. I won the races, as always. Virgil tackled me and we wrestled, as always. But as we were laughing after we both surrendered, something changed within me, I don't know. I looked into his eyes and noticed for the first time what a piercing shade of blue they were. It seemed as if he held the sky itself in his eyes. Virgil stopped laughing and looked into my eyes, which caused my heart to flutter. What was happening? Was this what cardiac arrest feels like? 
"Dude, your pupils are really dilated... are you okay?" I realized then that Virgil was looking into my eyes with concern rather than wonder. 
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," I stammered. I stood up and put on my jacket. "I better head home, it's almost dinner time." 
"You sure?" Virgil got up to face me. "We could order a pizza or something." 
"Yeah, I'm sure. Mom and Dad would be disappointed if I didn't join them for spaghetti night. I'm sorry, Virgil." I kept glancing at the floor. Why couldn’t I meet his eyes? 
"It's cool, we could always have pizza another night." Virgil walked me to the door. "Enjoy your spaghetti, Axel. Have a good night." 
"You too." 
Thoughts flooded my brain as I rode my bike home that night. Was I okay? What was going on? It occurred to me as I was falling asleep that that is what having a crush feels like. But why was I feeling like this around my best friend? I wasn't gay... right? I couldn't be. I had dated a few girls in seventh and eighth grade back at Immaculate, but they had never made me feel quite like this before. Was I gay? If I was, wouldn't that land me an eternity of damnation? I didn't believe everything I was told in Catholic school, but the priests had done a few sermons about how homosexuals are the bane of our existence and a threat to good morality. Yikes.  

It took me many months of questioning and confusion, but eventually I realized that I would be happy in a relationship with a guy. I also thought that hey, if I liked a girl enough, I might date her. So, some time in December, I started to call myself bisexual. However, I still felt as though I shouldn't be proud of who I am. Or... who I was. More on that later. I was already quite agnostic by the time I left Immaculate Conception, unbeknownst to my parents, but what if there really was a god? Would he hate me? It took me some time to fully embrace my identity, but I told myself that if there really was some higher power looking down on humanity, they wouldn't dislike me because of the fact that I like guys. I learned to accept who I am in March of my freshman year. To this day I'm not super religious. I'm still on the agnostic side. What if there is a higher power? Okay, cool. What if there isn't? Okay, also cool.  
In April, I came out as bisexual to my friends during my birthday party. As Virgil Parker, Scarlett Settle, Theodore "Teddy" Crawford, Bryan Kane, and Maria Gonzales finished singing the world's most off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday to You", the words just fell out of my mouth. 
"I'm bisexual!" I announced to them. They stared back at me with blank expressions for a second before erupting into claps and cheers. They squished me in a big group hug.  
"We're your friends no matter what, Swaney," Bryan told me. 
When the group hug disbanded, the only person left clinging to me was Virgil.  
"It's okay, Axel, so am I," he whispered in my ear. It made me really happy to know that I wasn't alone.  
Virgil and I were the best of friends by the time summer break started that year. He helped me plan how to come out to my dad, he helped motivate me. I came out to my dad on Father's Day. I figured it was the best day to tell him, right? While mom was at the grocery store, I told him. 
"Hey, dad, do you have a minute?" I asked him while he was reading the comics from the newspaper.  
"Of course, Axel. What's up?" He put down the newspaper and I sat down on the couch next to him. 
"What do your son and cooked spaghetti have in common?" I asked. 
"I'm not sure I know the answer to that one, bud." 
I let out a nervous laugh. "They aren't straight."  
I could tell by my dad's puzzled look that he didn't understand the joke. "I'm bisexual, Dad." 
"I love you no matter what, Son," he said, though he still looked confused. "What does bisexual mean?" 
"It means I like boys and girls." 
"Oh, okay. I kind of figured, if I'm being honest," Dad chuckled. 
"What do you mean?" 
"Well, your favorite movie is G.B.F. and you paint your nails often. I thought you probably are into guys, at least a little bit." 
I can’t exactly argue with that. I made Dad promise not to tell mom until I was ready to let her know, and he agreed. I'm glad that he didn't tell me I'm going to Hell. 

Sophomore year began, and the arrival of the school year also marked the arrival of a new friend. Daniel Phillips moved to Columbus from Pittsburgh during the summer, and like me, he didn't have any friends. During lunch on the second day of school, he approached my table. 
"Hi, can I sit here?" Daniel asked us. He looked around at everybody seated at the table: me, Scarlett, Teddy, Maria, and Virgil. His eyes lingered for just a moment longer on Virgil. 
"Yeah, of course!" I said as I scooted over to make room for him.  
"I don’t recognize you from around here, are you new?" Teddy asked. 
"Yeah, I moved here back in July. I'm from Pittsburgh," Daniel said. 
"That's cool! What's your name?" Scarlett asked him. 
"Daniel, but just call me Danny, please." 
"Well, Danny," Virgil slid his juice box over to the newbie, "we're glad you're here." 
Danny fit right into our friend group, but he was especially close with me and Virgil. We were our own little trio of best friends, like Harry, Ron, and Hermione. As Halloween drew near, we all had a sleepover, and Teddy Crawford was there, too. Like at any high school party, we played Truth or Dare.  
"Danny," Teddy started, "T or D?" 
He chose truth.  
"Are you an ally of the LGBT community?" Teddy asked him. Theodore had been telling me and Virgil for weeks that he wanted to know Danny's views on the community, because we had never brought it up before. It was important to know due to the fact that almost everybody in our friend group was queer. This wasn't the best way of asking, but that's just what Teddy does. 
"Well, I'm gay, so you don't have to worry about me being homophobic, if that's why you were asking," Danny laughed. 
"Okay, cool. That's good. We're all gay as heck, so thank god you're not homophobic, my dude," Teddy laughed with relief.  
"Y'all are gay too?" Danny asked. 
"Well, I'm bi, and so is Axel," Virgil said. 
"Yeah, same," said Teddy. 
"I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone." 

December arrived and my small crush on Virgil hadn't gone away. In fact, it had only strengthened over the summer. One day at lunch, Virgil announced to us that he was planning on having a Christmas party at his house during winter break, and he invited each one of us. We all arrived at his house on December 20th, and we watched a few movies and played a few board games. While everybody was playing Uno, I dragged Maria out into the kitchen.  
"What's up?" Maria asked me. 
"I like Virgil. A lot. I've had a crush on him since last year and I don't know if he likes me back and I don’t know what to do and I'm scared but I feel like he should at least know because we're best friends and oh my god, Maria, help me!" I'm surprised that she understood what I said, judging how fast I was talking. 
"You need to chill, first off." 
"What do I do about Virgil?" 
"Well," she said, "Virgil sits next to me in English, and he does talk about you a lot. His eyes sparkle when he says your name." 
My face was cherry red. "He does?" 
"Yeah! If he doesn't like you, then I'll be damned." 
"Do I tell him tonight?" 
"Do it. There's mistletoe hanging from the ceiling in the hallway, tell him there." 
"That sounds like a really bad movie cliché, Maria." 
"I know, but it's cute. Now go out there and get yourself a boyfriend," she laughed. 
After the game of Uno was over, I pulled Virgil into the hallway.  
"I have to tell you something," I said. 
"What is it, Axel?" 
"I, I um... oh god," I could feel my cheeks growing warmer as I failed to form a proper sentence.  
Virgil put his hands on my shoulders and I looked directly into my eyes. "You can tell me anything." 
"I like you, Virgil. I've had a crush on you for about a year now, and I was never sure if you felt the same way. I just wanted to let you know, it's only fair. After all, we are best friends, right?" 
He just stared at me for a few seconds. I began to worry that he didn't feel the same way. But then, he leaned in. He cupped my face with his hands as he kissed me in the golden light, underneath the mistletoe.  

From that day on, we were boyfriend and boyfriend. Sorry to disappoint, but I wouldn't exactly call my relationship with Virgil Parker all sunshine and rainbows. By March, he was pretty distant with me. He never reached out to me to make plans, and when I tried to make plans with him, he either cancelled a few days beforehand or made excuses as to why he couldn't go. Virgil and Danny became closer friends over time, and that didn't alarm me. I trusted Virgil.  
Spring Formal was coming up, and I hadn't yet asked Virgil to go with me. I made a plan to show up at his house and give him daffodils when I ask him to the dance. They're his favorite flower, and I wanted to make him happy. A week before Spring Formal, I rode my bike over to Virgil's house. When I arrived, I noticed that Danny's bike was in the yard, and at first I didn't think anything of it. I knocked on the front door a few times, and nobody answered, so I tried the handle. The door was unlocked, and I walked into the house, calling for Virgil. He wasn't in the living room, so I walked up the stairs to his bedroom. What I saw, I'd rather not discuss, for many reasons. The daffodils fell to the floor and I sprinted out the front door as fast as my legs could carry me. Virgil emerged from his house as I was mounting my bike.  
"It's not what you think, I swear!" The look on Virgil's face was frantic, but I knew that deep down he was going to get rid of me sooner or later. He didn't care, or else he wouldn't have done this. 
"Then what the hell is it, Virgil? Tell me!" I was a sobbing mess. 
"I made a mistake! It was an accident!" 
"You expect me to believe that you getting busy with Danny was an accident? His bike is in your yard, you invited him over!"  
"Axel, I'm so sorry." Tears were rolling steadily down Virgil's cheeks now. 
"No, you're not. We're through." I got on my bike but before I could pedal away, Virgil shouted one more thing at me. 
"Don't go, Axel, please! I love you." 
I looked back at Virgil and saw Danny standing behind him in the doorway, half-dressed. 
"No you don't." 
I turned away and went home. 

That was my first real heartbreak. I sobbed and wailed for hours on end. I went to Spring Formal anyway, in an effort to try to cheer myself up. I had already bought my own ticket as well as a ticket that was originally for Virgil, I might as well go, right? I asked Teddy to go with me, but he got sick, so the day before the dance I asked Scarlett if she wanted to go with me. As friends, of course. To my surprise, she said yes. We had a good time. For three hours, I actually felt joy. It was nice. 
By the time sophomore year ended, I had cut Virgil and Danny out of my life completely. This allowed me to spend more time with my other friends, like Scarlett and Teddy. We were our own new trio of best friends. Scarlett Settle liked spending time with me, so we hung out often, especially that summer. She invited me to her family's barbecue on the Fourth of July, and so I went. As we were watching fireworks that night, she asked me to be her boyfriend. 
The question had caught me off guard, if I'm being honest. But Scarlett was a nice girl, and she was one of my best friends. Sometimes when we hung out together, I did feel a small swarm of butterflies in my stomach. If I wanted anybody to be my girlfriend, it was her. So, I said yes.  
Like with Virgil, things weren't great with Scarlett. She only wanted to hang out with me when we were alone together, and she always wanted something from me that I wasn't willing to give her. When she kissed me, I wondered why I didn't feel fireworks. I genuinely liked her as a person. Was I okay?  
One October night, we were cuddling while watching Mean Girls at her house. She poked my cheek. 
"Axel, we're juniors now," she said. 
"Yes, yes we are." 
Scarlett giggled and kissed my cheek. "We’re going off to college soon." 
"Yep, that's true." 
"We should start thinking about the future." 
"What about it?" I asked. 
"About us. What’s going to happen?" 
"I don't know, dear."  
"Well I know what I want to happen," Scarlett said. 
"And what is that?" 
She moved so that she was straddling me. "I want us to be together forever," she whispered into my ear. 
At this point I felt pretty awkward. "That's nice, babe." 
Scarlett took hold of my hands and placed them on her hips. "Don't you want that too, Axel?"  
"What exactly are you doing, Scarlett?" I asked her. 
"Oh, shush." She placed a finger over my lips. "This movie is kind of boring, why don't we have some fun?" She placed one of my hands on her thigh. 
It was at this point that I lost the ability to breathe. 
"Oh god, are you alright?" Scarlett jumped off of me once she realized that I was having a panic attack. I calmed down shortly after she got off of me, but I went home questioning myself once again. 
There was a reason why she never made me feel quite like Virgil did. As it turns out, I'm gay. Yes, I am a homosexual. After thinking about everything that happened during my relationships with girls at Immaculate and my relationship with Scarlett, it all added up. I am gay. This brought up a whole new issue: I needed to break up with Scarlett Settle. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to keep the relationship going, so I knew what I had to do. I broke up with her on the day before Halloween. She didn't take it very well. 
"Scarlett, I'm gay," I told her. 
"You're what?" 
"Gay. I'm gay. I'm so sorry, but I have to break up with you." I started to cry. Scarlett, on the other hand, started to yell. 
"No you're not! You are dating me, you can't be gay!" 
"After analyzing things, Scarlett, I'm pretty sure I'm gay. I don't want to break your heart, I'm sorry." 
She threw a pillow at me. "You don't want to break my heart? Then don't be gay!"  
"It's not as simple as that!"  
"You can't break up with me, Axel. I'll, I... I'll kill myself!"  
I stood up in alarm. "Don't do that!" 
"I will! Don't leave me!"  
It was then that Scarlett's mom walked into the room to see what the yelling was about.  
"What's going on?" she asked. 
"I'm trying to break up with your daughter and she's threatening to end her life, Mrs. Settle," I said between tears. 
"Why are you breaking up with her?" 
"Because he's gay!" Scarlett wailed.  
Mrs. Settle turned and looked back at me. "You're what?" 
"I'm so sorry. I am, really. I have to go, just please keep an eye on Scarlett and make sure she doesn't do anything bad to herself." I grabbed my coat and left.  
Needless to say, the whole ordeal had me down in the dumps. It's some heavy stuff, I know. I kept crying as I drove home that day. I didn't want to hurt her, really. Thankfully, Scarlett never did anything to harm herself. She just won't talk to me, even to this day.  

I came out again to my dad, and we agreed that it was time to tell Mom. When she got home from work on November 1st, we called her into the living room for a family meeting. I started crying before I even started speaking. 
"Mom, I'm gay," I said once I stopped crying a little bit. 
"You're what?" Her voice sounded cold and unforgiving. I was terrified. 
"He's gay, Ruth," Dad said.  
"I don't understand. Is this a joke? Kent, what’s going on?" 
"I'm gay. I like boys. When I get older I'm going to marry a man." I started to cry harder. 
"You can't marry a man, Axel, don't be silly. You don’t want to be one of those faggots, do you?" Her words cut into me like a sharpened knife. 
"Ruth, he can marry a man if he wants to. There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage last summer," Dad said. 
"This country has gone to the dogs. It's a sin, Axel! I still love you, but God doesn't! God hates homosexuals! I knew I shouldn't have let you paint your nails when you were a kid." 
I was sobbing now. Dad had to do all the speaking for me. 
"He is not sinning, and God doesn't hate people like him!" 
"It says in the Bible! 'Man shall not lay with another man.' Has the Catholic church taught you nothing?" 
"That book is old, outdated, and there are far too many versions of it. They contradict each other. Learn to accept your son for who he is, Ruth." 
It took some time, but Mom finally came around.

At the beginning of my junior year, I had made a new friend named Jenna Myers. She knew that I'm gay, and she also happened to have a gay best friend. It was her mission to set the two of us up. I, of course, was skeptical at first. Is she only trying to set us up because we're both gay? Wow, that's kind of shallow. We might not even be compatible. But she insisted, many times, that her friend and I would make the perfect couple. In December, she came up to me with a plan. 
"Axel, I'm having a party on New Year's Eve. Do you want to come?" 
"Yeah, sure, I have nothing better to do." 
"Okay, cool! Leo's going to be there," she giggled. 
"Leo?" I asked. I haven't heard Jenna mention a Leo. 
"Leo Baker, my friend that I've been telling you about." 
"Oh... that friend." 
Jenna lightly hit my arm. "Come on, it'll be fun! You two are going to hit it off really well." 
"How do you know?" 
"I just do. Trust me!" 
I decided to take a leap of faith and trust her. What's the worst that could happen? I might be pleasantly surprised. I went to the party that night wondering just what this Leo character would be like. None of my guesses came close to describe him. Jenna introduced us, and even the way he said hello was attractive. He had dark, curly hair and emerald green eyes that lit up when he smiled. We talked all night long, and Leo was really nice. He was quite the charmer. 
"Hey, I better head home," I said as I put on my coat. It was nearly two in the morning, and I was tired. 
"Yeah, same," Leo said. "Will I see you around?" 
I smiled at him. "I hope so." 
"Goodnight, Axel." 
"Goodnight, Leo." 
And now here I am, at age 22, marrying the man of my dreams. It wasn't easy to get here. The road to my happiness was rough, and full of heartbreak and confusion. But it led me here, to the happiest day of my life. If there is one thing I have to say, it is this: Thank god I switched to a public school.