Ren and I have always dealt with our emotions by simply making a joke out of the situation, but it's not socially acceptable to walk up to a random person on the street and make a joke about their dead family member, or the traumatizing events they've experienced.

After about twenty minutes, the coroner, sheriff, and other family members arrived. They confirmed the time of death and conversed with the family about what was happening with the body and other “after death steps.” Quinn and I gathered our equipment and left to head back to the hospital when we were dispatched to a new scene.

“Attention all EMT units,

This is an urgent dispatch call regarding a motorcycle crash with serious injuries. We have received reports of a collision involving two nineteen-year-olds, one of whom has a pole lodged into their stomach. Location is 22415 Lombard Street San Francisco. Please travel and work with caution as the weather conditions are only going to get worse.”

Quinn and I had nothing else to do so we decided to respond to the scene,

“Unit 88 responding to the scene,” with that, we were on our way.

As Quinn drove, I watched out the window ensuring that all cars were pulling to the side. While we wanted to get there as soon as possible, some outside factors got in the way; some people don't understand the road laws that apply when emergency vehicles are involved, as well as the weather conditions that were continuing to worsen. I watched as the rain crashed into the ground with an intense force. You could hear the slight sound of thunder over the blaring sirens on the ambulance.

As we arrived on scene we grabbed our gear and started to approach the situation ahead of us. The road was covered in motorcycle parts due to the pure force the bike collided with the semi-truck. 

The rain was making it a lot harder to see what was actually happening, but you could definitely tell it wasn't good. The semi truck was carrying large poles used for construction and these unsuspecting individuals just happened to be on the wrong side of it at the wrong time. As we finally reached the scene I could feel my heart drop. These weren't random unsuspecting individuals like I thought, it was Ren and their partner Zolo. How am I even supposed to react? Ren is the #1 person in my life and as I look at them lying here almost lifeless, a million thoughts flood my brain; What happened? Why them? Why wasn't I there to stop this from happening?

“Maddox, you need to focus. Now is not the time to be freezing up. Just follow procedure and everything will be okay,” Quinn said while seeing how my body stiffened up at the sight ahead of us.

He said everything will be okay, so it must be true. I snap back to reality and rush over to inspect Ren’s wounds. I can easily see that the pole is completely lodged into their stomach, I’m just unsure of exactly what the pole has severely damaged. As I started applying pressure around the wound, Quinn prepared the stretcher. The firefighters rushed over and began cutting the pole to the point that it was short enough to load Ren onto the stretcher, but not too short that it allowed more blood to escape before we reached the hospital.

I can't stand seeing Ren in this state and it was really starting to affect my ability to help them. I let Quinn take over and went to check on Zolo, who was sitting up right on the ground. As I inspected him, I was able to determine that he had a broken arm, broken foot, and road rash all over his body, yet he wasn't nearly as bad off as Ren. I patched Zolo up the best I could for right now. I wrapped him and sutured any open wounds he had, while also ensuring that he was able to properly communicate and process information so we knew there wasn’t any damage to his brain.

“Oh shoot.” I heard Quinn call out and that was all it took for me to sprint over there.

As I look ahead I see Ren on the ground attempting to breathe while their body shakes. My legs buckled under me and I dropped to the ground. I started stabilizing their head and Quinn rushed to get the oxygen mask. Their body flailed several times and each time it became more aggressive. Their eyes rolled back and I could feel their heart rhythms skip. ….thump….thu……….thum..thump

It started to speed up. thump..thump..thump..thump.thump.thump.

I turned back to see if Quinn was coming back with the mask but as soon as I turned, I felt their heart stop beating. This can’t be happening. I started immediately performing CPR..”da da da da stayin alive stayin alive..da da da da” . I feel like I’m shutting down but I won’t let Ren die. I can’t let them die.

Nothing, so I keep going. It's been two minutes since I’ve started compressions. I press slightly deeper, making sure my fingers are locked and tight. My knees are aching but I need to keep going. Stayin alive..stayin alive..stayin alive.. Nothing. Now it’s been five minutes. I can’t stop now. They’re gonna sit up soon and it’ll all be fine. I know they will. They’re always fine. If they’re not fine then what the heck am I supposed to do? How would I exist without them? I wouldn’t. I couldn’t exist without them. I kept going.

I don’t know how long I’ve been doing CPR for now but I could feel my wrists burning, it feels like every tendon in my arm is on fire. Suddenly I feel a tight grip on my shoulders,

“They’re not gonna make it. You did your best, I'm really sorry man.” Quinn told me as I continued the CPR

“They’re fine, just give me a minute more. I can bring them back.” I pleaded, this couldn’t be the end.

“We’ve been doing this for ten minutes Maddox, I’m sorry but they’re not coming back.” Quinn said, confirming my worst fear.

I thought I could save them. Why couldn’t I save them? I need to leave, I can’t be here anymore. I started running. I have no idea where I’m going or what can happen from this. I could probably be fired for leaving like this but I don’t care anymore. Nothing matters without aren’t. I keep running. I can feel my shins start to burn as I run faster and faster. I can’t see anything around me, it’s still raining pretty hard and my vision is blurred from the blaring lights everywhere. 

My mind keeps circling back to Ren. How could I let this happen to them? I save people all the time but I couldn’t save them? I'm a failure and worst of all, I failed my best friend. I can’t see anything except for pure white at this point, I can feel my heart heavily thumping in my chest. My ears are ringing and my entire body is shaking but I can’t stop moving. I can see an alley a few steps ahead that I can go through. Nothing makes sense right now and my entire world was just flipped upside down. As I sprint down the sidewalk and across the flooded street, a blaring horn blares through the air, and everything went black.