“Should I jump? I want to jump. I feel so useless, I have nothing left to live for,” I said looking over the edge of the cliff, debating whether I wanted to end my life tonight. People say that suicide is a coward’s deed, but in fact, it is one of the hardest things a person can do. I know from experience, I have stood on this ledge 84 times, 84 nights in a row, wanting to jump, but being too scared. “It wouldn’t matter if I did it you know, no one cares, I’m invisible,” I said, and I actually believed it.

I don’t know who I was talking to out there. The only thing that would have heard me saying that was the crickets that lived in the grass, and the fish that lived in the water below my feet. It was a nice night, the perfect night to make the jump. No one would notice that I was gone. The air was warm on this summer day, a nice change for Scotland’s usual wet and gray lukewarm weather. “I don’t think tonight is the night,” I said to the fishes, hoping they would understand.  I told them, “It’s too nice, I want to enjoy this,” I said, biting into the apple I had brought with me as I started heading back to my house which was not far from my cliff. School starts tomorrow, I hated that place, I hated the people. I did NOT want to go back.

It felt good back at school after the summer break, seeing the teachers and the students, even the boring grey halls. Being the start of the year, it was freshman initiation and god how I loved torturing the poor things. This was my third year at Elgin High School and I was Queen Bee, everyone loved me. In the big social scheme of things, after freshman initiation came Sorell Mark’s annual start of year party, and let me tell you, that was the party to be at. Drinking, sex, hot tubs, games, boys, and all the rest of the fun of high school bashes at the Marks’ mansion. Every year that I went, it got better and better. Because I went with my boyfriend of three years, Danny, each time, the boys part of the fun was out of the question. I wanted to dump him soon, he was getting boring, I wanted to move on, get a change of scenery.

There he was, tall and strong, walking down the hall like he owned the place, and he did. He, like me, was very high up in the ranks of popularity, every girl wanted him. “Hey you!” I said as I ran up and kissed him. He kissed me back, hard, and we started walking down the hall together.

“I’m really sorry, I can’t make it to Sorell’s bash tonight,” he told me. And as upset as I made sure I looked, this was my lucky break.

“Aw, why can’t you make it?” I asked, making the saddest face I could. Him not being there meant I could get away with that part of the fun I wasn’t usually permitted…

“I’m going to a, uh, session,” he said. Danny had just a touch of depression and his “sessions” were visits to the therapist. He did a good job of hiding his depression though, otherwise he would not be popular, nobody likes a mopey teenager.

I had a flashback in that moment of sitting at our therapist. The boring ivory walls plastered with paintings of who knows what, lying on his uncomfortable couch listening to him talk on and on, none of it having any meaning to me. “Blah, blah, Multiple Personality Disorder, blah, blah, blah, Double spirited, blah, blah, meds to take, blah, blah…” he was saying.  I never payed attention during our meetings.

Thank god for high school washrooms. They were the perfect place to hide and cut the last period of class. The first day back was always the worst. Tonight was Sorell’s bash, and the same as with all social events, I did NOT want to go. It might have been different had my soulmate, Danny, been going but he had an appointment with the therapist we both go to so he had to take a rain check. I promised Sorell I would go though, and I always keep my promises.

When I got home from hiding in the washroom I set to work on my homework for the night and ate the mid-afternoon meal compiled of chips, candy, ice cream, and any other junk food I could find. These foods, despite being close to the most unhealthy food I could ever eat, I loved them. After, I stared working on my appearance. I picked out a subtle, light blue party dress that was gathering dust in my closet and lay it on my bed. The colour matched my eyes. I then took a shower and washed my hair, spritzed myself with some lavender essence. “Should be good enough” I thought. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone after all.

“No, I’m still going,” I said into the phone. One of my annoying followers was calling, asking what if I was still going without Danny. “Are you going to be drinking?” I asked, trying to sound like a good girl so she would copy and then later when I was drunk out of my mind and she was totally sober, she could give me a ride home. The perks of being popular, you have subjects to do your bidding. “OK, bye!” I said quickly and hung up.

Rushing to my closet and throwing back in my first choice dress for the night, I pulled out another. “Why oh why would I wear this thing to a bash,” I said aloud as I scanned my closet and found a more red, sexy, strapless dress to match the new lip stick I had just bought. I did my make-up with professional precision, applying two coats of my new lip-stick and I was set. All I had to do now was wait for my ride.
She drove and talked as I just stared out the window, still not used to the landscape. It was very different than than what it looked like in New York where I moved from 3 years ago.

I was very uncomfortable in the dress I was wearing. Not only was it short, but it was spandex. I had boys staring at me one and the next, loads of unwanted attention. I wanted nothing more than to go to my cliff, even though it should have given me the exact opposite feeling, it calmed me going there. I think I took comfort in the habit. I decided to go later on in the night, when the party really started, I for sure didn’t want to be there for that.

I didn’t usually drink at all, but I seriously needed something to take off the edge of all of the noise. “Hey, can I have a scotch? Couple of fingers,” I ordered from some guy at an island bar.

“Anything for you darling,” he said, obviously totally drunk. “And how about I serve you up some of this too, huh?” he offered, passing me my drink. I stalked away without a word, sipping my scotch. Cliff here I want to come.

Within an hour I was totally wasted, but what did I care? I was there to have fun. One guy came over to me, saying something, but I didn’t understand what he said with my head buzzing. I just nodded my pretty head and followed him, knowing there would be gossip about me the next day, going off with some guy. But again, what did I care? “Lets go upstairs…” was all I could make out from what he was saying. I could do whatever I wanted, I was untouchable, no one would mess with me. Besides, this guy was very, very good looking.

Drunk out of my mind at a party with a guy whose name I didn’t even know, I decided to dump Danny. What a mistake, tonight was so not the night to dump him. I was having fun! I didn’t need his stupid whining and drama about breaking up, and yet, in my drunken stupor, I did it anyways. “I’m breaking up with you,” I said into the phone before he could even say hello.

“What?” he said, confused as to what was going on. “You’re drunk aren’t you?” he asked. I think I would have felt bad had I not been totally intoxicated.

“No, hic!” I lied, but it was obvious that I was. “We’re done, hic!”

“Can we at least talk about this?” he whined. “I don’t want to give up, we’ve been together three years, I love you, we can get through this!” This is exactly what I didn’t want to deal with.

“OK, fine, meet me at the usual spot!” I yelled into the phone and hung up.

I was so, so drunk that night, stumbling everywhere, half not knowing where I was, I don’t even remember how I got back to my cliff. There I was again, the 85th time, this time not debating, and happy about it too. I felt good that night. It might have been the alcohol talking, but I had a feeling that I hadn’t felt in ages. I wanted to live life, to have fun and do things. That’s when Danny came up behind me and grabbed my waist. For half a second I thought I was safe in his arms and happy. That moment, that utterly perfect moment, the one time I really shouldn’t lose my footing, I slip. My legs slid out from under me and being at the edge of the cliff, I fell. For a moment, I was suspended in the air, I saw the look on his face. Complete terror, and not for his life, because it wasn’t on the line, it wasn’t grabbing at the long grass hanging down the edge of the cliff.

It took me two moments to realize what had happened; that I was hanging off the edge of a cliff by some grass. I screamed, not knowing what else to do. Danny immediately knelt down to help, said to grab his hand, but I didn’t hear him. “I don’t want to die!” I screamed as one of my hands slip. Dangling literally by a couple plants, he hauled me up.

All I could do was laugh. I sat there at the edge of the cliff laughing. The idiot looked at me like there was something wrong with me, but what did he expect? That was fun. Who knew dangling off a cliff could give you so much adrenaline. “What is wrong with you?! You almost died. I could have let you die. But I saved you because I love you, the least you could do is thank me,” he said.

All I said was “Whatever”, and started to walk away, not at all shaken by the whole experience. He came running after me, it wouldn’t have been hard.

“You know what? We are done. I do something for you and you don’t even care. I always knew you were selfish, but this has crossed the line. Don’t call me,” he told me, almost in tears.

Three years of staying with the same guy down the drain. “Freedom at last!” I said aloud. It have been harsh, but I needed to hold my own. Tomorrow was going to be interesting, but until then, I wasn’t going to worry about it so I went home, and went to sleep, stress-free.

“My life is officially over!” most teenagers would say in a distressed voice. Had they ever meant it literally, I would have been jealous. I managed to get through a day of school, but I felt worse than ever. I looked worse than ever. No one wanted anything to do with me, not even my teachers. I guess word got out about what had happened last night. Which by the way, I didn’t even remember. I went home and cried for a long time. I thought about how I could improve, but none of it seemed worth it. I lost Danny, the only thing that I loved, the only thing I can think of that kept me from jumping those 85 times. He is gone. Now I really do have nothing.


Did I care that they hate me now? No. Did it bother me that I was alone? No. Did their insults and snag comments intimidate me? No. I was Queen Bee and I always will be. Nothing can change that. The next day I vowed to come back strong, to keep my head high and not let it all phase me. After all, everyone loves me.

I knew that night was the night. I didn’t feel like pushing my life any further. What was the point anyways? Everyone in town hated me. I had a reputation now for something that I didn’t do, it wasn’t me.

I wanted to go and visit the spot one last time before my comeback, so I planned to spend a couple hours out there. It was after all a nice night. It was warm again, with a slight breeze. I stole some of my parents’ liqueur and took it with me, a blanket to sit on, my favourite chips and some music. I thought I could use some relaxation.

Walking to my cliff did not make me feel relaxed that time. I think it was because I knew the end was coming. The force of habit didn’t soothe me this 86th time around. On the way there I talked to the crickets in the grass; “Are you going to miss me?” I asked them. “Because I know I will miss talking to you guys, even if you don’t answer.” When I got to the edge of the cliff, I sat down on my blanket and turned on the music and started eating and drinking a little bit. When I was done, I stood up, and put my arms out and let my long blonde hair out of its’ tie to flap in the breeze, I wanted to feel the cool air on my body one last time.

The cool breeze felt good, it made me feel free. In combination with the alcohol, I felt kind of whoozy and happy, free almost, looking out to the vast water. It gave me confidence, I knew I could get everyone back.

It gave me confidence to jump, now was the time. “OK, Now! Do it!” I cried to no one. I waited and stalled, taking my time to jump, pacing, crying. I almost didn’t do it, I almost backed out. I didn’t jump so much as fall, that two seconds that I was falling, down, into the cold water, down between the rocks and boulders, I thought so many things; I can still get out of this somehow, I can fly up or something, Danny, I want Danny, I’m sorry Danny, I want to live, I want to do something with my life, I want to have kids, I want to graduate high school, I want to go to another of Sorell Mark’s parties, I want to do something with my life, I am worth-
I realised that my life was worth living, and that I could have done something with it. Made something out of myself. I realised that yes, in fact, suicide is a coward’s deed. Not taking your life, that part is very hard, and takes loads of courage, but taking the easy way out. Leaving the world when it gets hard, now that, that, is cowardice. Leaving, instead if fighting for a better life.

So, yeah, that’s how we ended up here in heaven. After the next day no one knew where I was, they went out looking for me. Danny found where I was that night, he found my food and music still playing, and he cried when he realised what I had done. They found our body a couple days later, washed up on the shore of a beach. No one but Danny and my parents came to my funeral. It was sad and disappointing. I regret jumping.  That’s our story. What’s yours?