My wet boots squeaked across the damp wood floors as I walked towards the kitchen.
“Mom?” I called out.
She was usually at  home waiting for me when I got out of school.
I dropped my duffle bag onto the hardwood floor. It was dark, my fingers stretched out to find the light switch.
As I stepped blindly in the darkness, I heard a hoarse voice whisper, “April?”
“Mom? Where are you?”
“In the kitchen.” Her voice sounded raspy and weak.
I found the lightswitch.
Mom was sitting on the kitchen floor. Her curly hair was matted and messy.  She was holding a empty beer bottle with a glazed, vacant look in her eyes.
“There you arre.” She slurred. “Where have you been?”
“It was raining...Mom how much have you had to drink?”
She laughed wildly. “Just a bit.”
Then she threw up.
The smell of stale beer and vomit made my stomach twist. I concentrated on breathing through my mouth, it helped a little.
I slowly kneeled down beside her. This wasn’t the first time I had found her like this. I gently pried the brown bottle from her hand. Mom’s blurry eyes focused on me for a second.”What are you doing?” She demanded, raising her left hand  to slap me. I instantly jerked back, dropping the beer bottle on the kitchen floor. Her pale hand fell to the floor. Her eyes started to shut as she leaned her head against the wall.
In a minute she was snoring.
I almost started to laugh, even though it wasn’t funny. Asleep, my mother looked peaceful, almost happy. It was easy, when Mom was sleeping, to see how people often thought we were twins. We had the same curly blonde hair, except her’s was a few shades lighter. Our eyes were both brown, but hers were brighter than mine. My mother was beautiful. She loved the attention she would get from strangers. I had never seen her look anything less than perfect, except for the few times I had found her like this.
I  grabbed Mom’s cold arm and hoisted her up. She was still snoring. She leaned against me heavily as I dragged her up the rickety stairs to her bedroom. Her bedroom door was open. I could see old photographs from her early years scattered on the floor in the dim lighting. In those photos she was smiling. I tucked her into her bed, making sure she had at least three quilts because I knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep without them.
Tears pooled in the corner of my eyes. I wiped them away stubbornly. I would not cry.  My hands shook a little as I made my way back down the stairs. I hated feeling so helpless. I didn’t want to clean up the vomit and beer on the kitchen floor right away, even though I knew I had to before Dad came home.
I tried not to breath much as I cleaned the kitchen. Then I opened every window in the house, but  even the fresh air couldn’t completely erase the stench. I searched through the papers and junk on the kitchen for the only cordless phone we had. I shuffled through old checks and report cards from sixth grade until I finally found it.
With a deep breath, I called Hannah. She was the only one who knew about the times I had found mom drunk.
“Hello?” Hannah’s voice came out crackly on my side of the phone.
At the sound of her voice I wanted to sob. Do not cry. I commanded myself again. “Hey, Hannah. Its April.”
“Whats up?” I could hear a bit of impatience in her voice, which wasn’t like her at all.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. “Nothing,” I choked out. “What's up with you?”
Hannah groaned. “AP Bio. I’m studying for a test. Its killing me.”
“Thats too bad.” I twisted my hair around my finger anxiously.
“So, uh, if that's all I’ve got to, you know, study.”
“Oh,yeah. I mean, so, by-”
She hung up before I could finish my sentence. Tears ran down my cheeks, but this time, I let them.

Mom and I have this system. It’s to forget everything that happened whenever she has one of her “episodes.” It happened. Its over. She doesn’t say anything, and neither do I. End of story. Mom makes Matt and I chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Matt inhales five pancakes before Mom makes him slow down. I laugh. Nothing stops Matt when he’s eating. Mom smiles at me, and I smile back at her forgivingly.Because I know that last night wasn’t really her. It was someone else, a stranger. It wasn’t the mother I know.
“Can I take the car?” Matt asks, drumming the table. His brown hair is still damp from the shower.
Mom slices an orange. “Only if you take April.”
Matt groans. I shudder. My brother drives like a maniac. I open my mouth to say that’d I’d rather walk, but Matt kicks my shin under the table before I can say word.
“Ouch!” I gasp, gripping my fork tightly.
Matt glared at me. “I’ll take her.” He stood up, holding the keys even though I didn’t see Mom give them to him. Go figure.
I shove down one more bite of my pancake then take a swig of orange juice.
“Lets go.” Matt kicks open the front door.
Matt’s already in the front seat by the time I walk out the door.I slide into the back. If we crash on the way to school, I might not die if I’m in the backseat. Matt turns up the music so loud, my head starts pounding. We pull out of the driveway with a screech. I wildly hook my seatbelt on and clench my fists.
We run three red lights and plow through two stop signs on the way to school. Its a miracle we didn’t crash. My fingers are gripped so tight on my seatbelt that it takes me a few minutes before I can relax my hand. Matt snaps off his music as we pull into the school parking lot. My head still pounds.
I groan, “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Matt’s eyes widen. “No. Not in the car. I need it to drive to the library after school.”
    I snort. “The last time you’ve been to the library was when we took a field trip there in second grade.”
“Get out of the car, April.”
I heave myself up and unlock the door. Matt rushes off to go join his friends. I walk into school, alone.
Hannah and I have Math together. My palms start to sweat as I try to find an excuse for her behavior. She probably had a bad day, and she did have a Bio test to study for, I rationalize. But a little nagging voice in my head whispers, What if thats not it? I ignore the voice. We’ve been friends since kindergarten. Nothing bad has ever happened between us.
“Hi.”
I glance up. Its Hannah. Her long brown hair is in a ponytail. “Hey.” I say nonchalantly.
“What’s up?” She plops down in the seat next to me with a sigh.
I sense where this conversation is heading. I don’t want to repeat yesterday’s phone conversation. “Well, I’m still alive.”
Hannah laughs. She knows my brothers a crazy driver. “Got a ride from Matt today huh?,” she giggles. “He might be a crazy driver, but your brother is really cute.”
I drop my pencil on the floor. “What?” My voice comes out loud and squeaky. A few kids glance over at me. The bell screams in my ear. My face burns.
Hannah pulls out her math textbook and flips to page 152, like we are supposed too. I stare at her. Waiting for her to say, “Just kidding!” or “April fools!” Even though its January. She knows how gross my brother is. She doesn’t even like my brother. He used to throw food at us when we were little and squirt glue on our hair.
Now I really am going to be sick.
“April?” Mrs.Carrol aimes her spectacles at me. Something in her tone tells me this isn’t the first time she’s called my name. Or the second.
“What?” My stomach is still twisting and turning. I hear a faint ringing in my ears, that has nothing to do with my brothers music.
“Are you okay?”
Everyone in class turns and looks at me.
“I think i’m going to be sick.” I whisper.
Mrs. Carroll writes me a pass to the nurses.
As I stagger down the hallway towards the office, I hear a few kids giggle. I even think I hear Hannah laugh. I walk through the cream colored office, moaning. A few secretaries stare at me curiously.
The nurse makes me lie down when I get in, “Just close your eyes for a bit, dear.” She gives me a kind smile. I nod feebly and close my eyes. I stay like that for a few hours until Matt bursts in to take me home.
“Matt, I’m not going in the car with you. I’ll throw up. For real.” I groan.
“You’re still sick?” Matt frowns. “Sucks to be you.”
Sometimes I really, really hate my brother.
“I guess you’re walking home then.” I hear the faint sound of car keys jingling as he walks aways.
After a few more minutes of rest, I get up.
“You feeling better, sweetie?” The nurse asks. She raises her eyebrows in concern.
“Yeah,” I mumble. “Thanks.”
I should have gone home after that, but I was still mad at Matt. And Hannah. And even Mom, a little. Even though I know thats stupid. My legs lead me past my house, and down to the old skating rink. The old skating rink has been around practically forever. Its so old that the sign out front says, Been standing since 1964! with a few black and white pictures of people in crazy hairdos and lots of girls in poodleskirts. I push open the rusted gate that says, Enter. Cold air slaps me in the face as soon as I step inside. I shiver, wishing I’d brought a jacket. Not many people are on the rink, probably because the students that just got out of school have cooler things to do than ice skating. And besides, who ice skates in Maine?
I pay for my skates up front. The counter is painted a bright yellow. “Fifteen dollars to rent skates for an hour,” The employee grunts. Hes old, at least fifty. I’m a few dollars short. Maybe this is why all the cool kids don’t ice skate, I’ve forgotten how expensive it is. I shuffle through my black backpack and find a few crumpled one’s. I hand the rest of the money over, the employee sneers at me and hands me a pair of ice skates. His bright green name tag reads, Hi, I’m Arthur!   
“Have a nice day,” He mutters resentfully.
I guess they are required to say to customer, because Arthur doesn’t look like the kind of person who would normally say that. I sit on an rusty bench and pull the ice skates on my feet, there a bit tight, but I don’t really mind. I’m anxious to get onto the ice. Hannah and I used to go, every day, when we were little. I stand up and push open the little white door that leads to the ice. I start to skate around the rink in slow circles, pushing my feet faster, and faster. I build up more speed until I’m flying across the ice. I close my eyes and just skate, everything disappears, nothing else matters to me in this world except to keep going, too keep flying.  I can almost see Hannah and I skating here, two little girls in identical braids and pink parka jackets. I smile as  remeber how Hannah and I first met.
I was eight. It was my first time ice skating, ever. I had kicked and screamed at my Mom when she pulled me onto the ice. I was afraid to fall. I remembered clinging to the rail and refusing to let go.
“April, honey. Let go. You’ll never learn to skate like that.” My mom pleaded.
“I won’t!” I pouted.
I watched the skaters pass us over and over again.
Suddenly a girl stopped next to me. She looked like she was my age. Her hair was long and straight.
“Want to skate?” She asked. She was wearing a green coat and matching mittens.
“I’m scared.”
She offered me her hand. “Lets skate together. My names Hannah. Want to be friends?”
“Okay. My names April.”
I took her hand she dragged me slowly around the rink until I could hold up on my own. We spun and skated. We played tag and chased each other around the ice.
We’d been best friends ever since.
“Attention all skaters, the rink will be closing in five minutes.”
    My eyes snapped open. I’m the only one here.  The fluorescent lights glimmer across the smooth gleaming surface of the ice. I head out, putting my ice skates back on the bright counter next to a snoring Arthur. I take a step through the rusted gate out front of  the skating rink. I take another step back into the real world.

I take a bite out of a green juicy apple I packed for lunch and listen to Hannah ramble in my ear.
“And then I said,” crunch, crunch, “-no way, but Stacy told Emma who whisper to John who went to Sarah-”
I sigh. I wish it was the weekend. Then I could be home, maybe be watching some old home videos.
“-but he said he liked me. How cute is that?”
“Huh?” I turn to Hannah.
“Honestly, you're so out of it. What's with you?” Hannah nibbles on her cheese sandwich.
“Just a lot on my mind.” I reply.
“So, you’re grounded right?”
I groan. “Yeah.”
“Why?” Hannah yanks on her old silver charm bracelet.
“I went to the ice rink. I got home late, and Mom went crazy.”
Hannah laughs. “The old ice rink? Where we used to skate as kids?”
“Yeah.” I smile.
“Hows your Mom?” Hannah lowers her voice and leans in a bit.
“Okay, I think. I found her a few days ago she was- you know.”
    Hannahs eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “I thought....you said she hadn’t gotten like that in a while.”
    “I know, I was surprised too. One day, she’s my mom. Loving and caring. The next week shes a complete stranger.”
“Do you think she needs some help? They have people who help with drinking disorders.”
I shake my head and bite my lip. “No. Dad will find out then. I can’t let that happen.” I tossed the rest of my apple in the trash.
“How would he even know if he’s never around?” Hannah pops a grape into her mouth.
That hurts, but its true. My dad runs a department store. He’s always over there, working overtime. I barely get the chance to say “Hi.” or “Bye.” most days.
My eyes watered. Hannah glanced up at me.
“Hey,” she said gently, “everything’s going to be okay.”
I smiled timidly and stood up. “Lets go.”
Hannah hooked a loose strand of her hair around her ear. “Go where?”
“I don’t know. Mcdonalds or wherever. I dont care.”
Hannahs green eyes studied me carefully. “You mean ditch?”
“Yeah.”
    Hannah and I are good students. We have never ditched, never gotten detention, and have always gotten A’s in every single one of our classes. Shes probably just as surprised as I am of my declaration. I know shes going to say no like the perfect student she is.
“Okay, but not Mcdonalds. Their food is disgusting.”
Hannah stood up and followed me outside. My heart was pounding with fear and excitement all rolled into one. The feeling of freedom and fear of getting caught was intoxicating.
She followed me down a few streets to the boardwalk. “Lets eat here.” I pointed at a sign with a cartoon fish that in big letters read SHERMANS.
“Cool.”
Seagulls cried in the distance. I turned my gaze to the ocean. It was a beautiful day, and the waves were perfect, not too small and not too big.
“Let’s eat outside,” I suggested.
We sat down at a little white table. The wind from the sea made me cold, I pulled on a black sweater.
“It’s a beautiful day.” Hannah said, looking out at the water.
I nodded my head. A waiter with short messy hair and dark undereye circles tossed us a menu. “Want to hear the specials?”
We both shook our heads. She shrugged and walked back inside.
“So,” Hannah traced small circles on the table with her finger. “I can’t believe we are actually ditching. And didn’t we just finish lunch, like ten minutes ago?” She gave me a nervous smile.
I can’t believe it either.
Hannah hesitated. “This-it’s just..not really like you. I mean, we are good students and everything. I’m not complaining. I think we both needed a break, just...I’m kind of worried about you.
I studied the menu. “What do you mean by that?” I asked carefully.
Hannah rolled her eyes. “You’ve been acting really weird. Yesterday in math class, when you left? And now we are ditching?”
I dropped the menu back onto the table. “You didn’t have to come with me if you didn’t have to.” My voice shook.
Hannah shook her head, looking at the waves, at the sun, at anything but me. “You’re just so different. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. You’ve changed.”
I laughed bitterly. “Look at me, Hannah. Everythings changed. You can’t expect me to act like the girl I was a year ago, because I‘m not. My mom’s different. Matt’s different. Dad’s different.” My voice broke.
The waiter came back with two cups of water. “Need some more time to order?” She asked, picking up on the tension and silence.
“Yes.” Hannah and I say at the same time. We sip our water in quietly.
“Look, April,” Hannah’s eyes gaze into mine. “You’re my best friend. I know you’re going through a tough time with your family. I just..I don’t know how to help you. You’re acting like you don’t even want help. Please, just...let me help you.”
How could I be so selfish? All Hannah’s been doing for months is supporting me ever since Mom turned to drinking. My anger fades away. I reacted badly, and I definitely overreacted when I called her the other day.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, April.” Hannah smiles at me. I smile back.
The waiter comes back. “Ready?”
“Um, can I have the fish and chips?” Hannah hands the menu back to her.
The waiter turns to me, waiting.
“Um, me too.” I hand her my menu.
In just a few minutes, Hannah and I are munching on our food, like nothing ever happened.
“So when did it all start?” Hannah squirts ketchup on her fries and offers me the ketchup.
I shake my head. “I don’t know.” I sigh. “A few months ago, I guess. You know she never drank in the past. And it doesn’t happen that often. Just every once in a while I find her drunk like that. Its weird though. It’s not...her.”
“What do you mean by that?”

I look over the dock again. The suns high in the sky. I try to estimate how long Hannah and I have been gone. A few hours, maybe? “She’s just...not my mom when shes like that. She’s a different person. When she’s my mom shes loving and caring and everything a mother should be.”
“I wish I knew why she started drinking.”
“I wish I did too.”
“Maybe it just became too much for her..” Hannah watches the seagulls plunge into the water.
“Too much of what? Of me? My brother? My dad?” My voice sounds dead.
Hannah squints at the sun. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Its not your fault. I tell myself firmly.
I nibble on my fries. They are salty and crisp, exactly how I like them. I wrinkle my nose at Hannah’s fries-they are smothered in ketchup. What a waste, I think disdainfully as I chew. The waves crash in my ear. I think about how much I would love to live on the beach. To feel the sun on my face and the hot sand between my toes. Even the salty smell of the ocean and seaweed is comforting.
We finish our meal. Hannah pays for most of the meal, because after the ice skating incident I don’t have much money left over.
“Thanks for paying, Hannah.” I say when we walk outside of Shermans.
“No problem.” She replies.
We must be a funny sight on the street. Theres me, tall with crazy blonde curls. Then, there’s Hannah, short with beautiful long brown hair. She could model, if she wanted too. I feel a pang of jealousy, but I push it away.
“April,” Hannah faces me at a stoplight.
“Yes?”
“You’re going to be okay at home, right?”
“Of course I am, Hannah.” But even I don’t know if thats true.

Dinner is a silent affair with my family. Dad’s at work, of course. Mom eats in silence. I do too. Matt talks about basketball.
I cut my pork chops into smaller bits. Mom chews thoughtfully on her salad. I can feel the anger and disappointment radiating from her. She knows, I ditched. She always knows.
I swallow the last bite of food. “May I be excused?”
“No.” Mom keeps her gaze focused on her salad.
Matt quickly excused himself. Mom doesn’t try to stop him.
“So.” Mom eyes were hard and cold.
I don’t say anything.
“You ditched school. Again. You already missed most of school yesterday because you were sick. And you ended up going ice skating instead. And now you left at lunch, with Hannah. She’s a good student, like you were, but now you have to drag her down too?” Mom points her spoon at the phone. “Hannah’s mother is mad. I’m mad. Is there anything you’d like to say for yourself?”
I nodded weakly. “I’m sorry.”
“Why’d you do it, April?”
I don’t know.
“Answer me.”
I don’t, because there’s nothing left to say.
“Do you want me to involve your father in this?”
My head snapped up. “No!” I panicked. Dad expects me to be good, whenever he’s home. Which is almost never. I don’t want him to be even more disappointed in me now. “It won’t happen again Mom, I swear.”
Mom’s expression softened. “I hope not. Excused.”
I make sure I carefully rinse my dishes clean. Then I load up the dishwasher. I reach into our battered cabinets for a Chameleon teabag, because I know they are mom’s favorite. Its strange, but the cabinet feels more empty than usual. I make enough for myself, and leave a steaming mug for Mom with two packets of sugar already in it.
I pry open  an off-white drawer, looking for the spoons.
Its empty.
I close it, I was so sure that was the silverware drawer. I shrug my shoulders, every drawer and cabinet in this house looks the same. I probably just opened the wrong one. I tug open the next one. Empty.
I open every single cabinet and drawer in the kitchen. They are all empty, except for the one I had opened in the corner when I was looking for the tea.
How did I not notice this?
With a shaky breath I sit down on the floor. Mom walks in. “Oh!” She seems surprised to see me in the kitchen, her domain. “Thank you for the tea, honey.”
“No problem, Mom. Um, I couldn’t find the spoons.”
Mom’s eyes flash a little. She gives me a big smile. “They are downstairs, I moved all the silverware and a few other things out. We are remodeling the kitchen.”
Lies.
“Why don’t you get started on your homework now?” Mom uses her special little voice that she often spoke in when I was little.
“Okay.” I agree. I smile at Mom. “Enjoy your tea.”
I leave her standing in the kitchen, watching me.
Of course, I don’t go do my homework. I slam the door to my room louder than usual, so that she knows I’m in there. I flop down on my unmade bed, with my mind racing. She’s lying. I could see it in her eyes.
Why?
I look around my room as if noticing it for the first time.Old clothes and pictures are crumpled on my floor. The christmas lights I hung up a few years ago droop. What a dump, I thought. I sweeped some of the photos under my bed. I couldn’t bear to look at them anymore. My walls were a cheery yellow, that somehow made the room seem more big and lonely. I notice a few cobwebs in the corner and shudder.
Who cares about my room? Somethings going on with Mom.
I want to call someone, like Hannah, but somethings holding me back. I’m afraid that somehow...Mom will overhear. Maybe she’s even monitoring me, right now. I laugh at myself, because that’s crazy. She wouldn’t do that. Why would she?
Why would she?
I study at the photographs I had taped on my ceiling. Happy little family photographs. Photos of my friends, of my birthdays, of my mom and dad...
I look specifically at the family photos. Most of them were taken around my birthday. There’s Dad smiling and beaming with his arm around Mom, who’s laughing. Matt’s wearing an ugly red sweater with a reindeer on it. I focus on the last photo that I took. Mom, Matt, and I are gathered around my chocolate chip cake that reads 9 in the frosting. I’m smiling wide at the camera. Dad isn’t in this picture, so he must have been the one to take it. This must have been a little while after he became manager. Matt’s eyes are on the cake. And mom....
I stare at her. Her eye’s are glazed. Her smile is too bright. Was she drunk when we took this photo?
I can’t remember much of my ninth birthday. Dad was home, for once. Which explains why my smile is so bright in this photo.
I rub my hand over my eyes. I need to figure this out.
I need to go down to the garage.

I listen for my mom. The house is quiet. Matt probably snuck out. Mom’s most likely in her room, sleeping. The garage is downstairs. I haven't been in there in years. I don’t think anyone has been there in years. I pull on a sweater and mittens. The temperature drops as soon as I step outside my door.
The silence is loud. I step slowly and carefully down the steps with my back against the wall. My hand brushes against the smooth garage door. I turn the doorknob as quietly as I can. The door groans loudly as I tug it open as quietly as possible. I pause when the door is fully open. My eyes can’t make out a single thing in the pitch black darkness of the garage.
I put my arms out in front of me and walk slowly inside. I try not to think about all the things that could be in here right now, like spiders and rats. Something sharp grazes my right hand. I try not to scream as I pull my hand back. Blood runs down the sides of my hand onto my sweater. I bite my lip. I’m almost to the lightswitch.
I almost cry when I find it. Theres only one light bulb in here. It gives off a very dim light, but its light. Spider webs cover the garage. A cracked window in the corner has a bit of red blood on it. My blood. I shudder. I don’t see any rats, but its so filthy and dirty in here they could be anywhere. I wrap the sleeve of my sweater around my bleeding hand. It throbs and I clench my teeth together to keep myself from crying out.
Theres something missing in here. The air is colder than usual. The garage I remembered from my childhood was filled to the brim with forgotten and rejected items.
This garage is empty.
Its still dirty and dark, but its empty. I feel so alone in this huge room. I had never realized just how big the garage is.
Theres a knock at the door.
I panic. I snap off the light and jump onto the ground. My chin hits the hard garage floor painfully and my hand screams from the pain. I curl up on the floor, trying to make myself as small as possible. The garage door opens a sliver. A little bit of light seeps in through the crack in the door. I hold my breath.
“April?”
Its Matt. I clear my throat. “I’m here.”
Matt pushes the garage door so that its completely open. He shines a flashlight on me. “Why are you on the floor?”
I cover my eyes with my hand. “I thought you were Mom.”
Matt takes in my bloody hand and dirty clothes with suspicious eyes. “What are you doing down here?”
“Its complicated.” I whisper.
Matt squints at the garage. “When did it get so...empty, in here?”
Good question, Matt, I think.
“I dunno.” I mutter. “You won't tell Mom I’ve been down here, will you?”
“No.” Matt says to my surprise. “You might want to get that cut cleaned though.
He lets me come in through the door. I follow Matt’s flashlight up the stairs and back into my room. “Thanks Matt.” I smile at my brother.
“No problem.” Matt switches off the flashlight and heads towards his room. “And, April?”
“What?” I call at his back.
Even in the dark I see how tense his shoulders are. “Be careful.”
I shut the door.

Under the harsh lights in the bathroom, I look scary. My curly hair is even more wild than usual. There's dirt on my chin and forehead. Theres a  red scrape along my jaw. I lift my hand to the mirror. The cut is dark red and is bleeding through the palm of my hand. I study it, fascinated. I try to turn on the sink with my right hand. Water spews from the facet. I put my cut hand under the running water and wince from the pain. The water turns red.
After I clean myself up a bit. I fall onto my bed.  I’m exhausted, but my mind is still racing.
Why did she lie?
Our stuff was missing almost as if we were actually moving, but we weren’t. I knew that for sure.
So what was she hiding?

I watched Mom drive away. Basketball practice had ended earlier, I had said. Little did my family know that I had been skipping for weeks now, just so I could watch Mom.  I chugged on some gatorade, still watching Mom drive out of the corner of my eye. I knew what she was doing. Since Dad was always gone, I had to be the man of the house. I had to try and fix things
It wasn’t fair.
How could anyone expect me to change Mom?
But I couldn’t tell April. Not yet. She didn’t know everything.
I tossed my useless basketball against the wall. I watched it strike the hard wood floor with a loud slap.
I knew as soon as I stepped inside something was wrong. They were an extra pair of shoes inside, and they weren’t Dad’s.
I heard loud voices talking, from the dining room. I slowly ambled over there. I wanted to know who Mom was talking too. Matt was still at basketball practice, he wouldn’t be home for hours. Which was pretty weird because I thought basketball practice was supposed to end earlier.
“And how much would that cost?” Mom asked.
“More than you’ve got.” An oily voice answered. He was wearing too much cologne. I sneezed.
“April?” Mom called.
“Yeah..?” I answered. Blushing.
“I want you to meet an old business friend, honey.” Something in her voice rang untrue.
I walked into the dining room. I was embarrassed about getting caught snooping. Mom sat at the dining room table with a tall man. He was wearing a dirty suit. My nose wrinkled. His large glasses looked too big for his face. His cold blue eyes tracked my movements.
“This is her then?” He asked gruffly.
“Yes this is my daughter, April.” Mom smiled sweetly at me. She was still wearing her sunglasses. She only wore those after she drove.
“Nice to meet you.” My palms started to sweat. I was terrified of this stranger in my home.
The man grunted. “I should get going now.”
“Of course.” Mom stood up. “April, why don't you walk him out.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. The man in the suit stood up. I walked to the front door, clenching my fists tightly.
I opened the door. “Goodbye.” My voice was firm.
“Goodbye.” His tone was mocking.
My hands shook as I slammed the door shut and locked it.
“Oh my God Mom!”
“What?” She appeared at the end of the hallway.
“Who the heck was that?” I couldn’t think straight.
“An old business friend of mine.”
“Bull!” I kicked the door. “Tell me whats going on right now.”
Mom laughed. “April, you're overreacting.”
“Am I?” I yelled. “I come home to find you with a creepy sleazeball. What is wrong with you?”
Mom’s voice came out flat. “This is all going to be over soon. Move on, April.”
“But-”
“I said, move on!” Mom’s hand slapped me hard across the face. I fell to the floor and looked up in her and shock. The only times she had ever hit me was when she was drunk.
Angry tears filled my eyes. I ran up to my room, sobbing. I slammed the door as loud as I possible could.
My phone beeped. I pushed through all the junk on my floor and found in under my sweater. It was a text message from Hannah.
WANNA GO GET SOME ICE CREAM? ON ME :)
I squeezed the screen. Then typed, OK. PICK ME UP IN 5?
SEE YA SOON.

It didn’t take Hannah long to show up. She drives almost as bad as my brother. I threw on a slightly cleaner sweater and by the time I was done I heard her car honking.
I practically ran out the door. I passed Mom in the hallway she was looking at some paperwork, she didn’t bother asking where I was going. I let the door slam shut behind me, which I knew Mom hated.
“Hey April!” Hannah honked the horn again. She pushed her sunglasses on top of her head and flashed me a grin.
I couldn’t help smiling. “Lets go.” I said.
I filled Hannah in on the road. She could tell I’d been crying, the evidence was on my face.
“Do you think she’s having an affair?” I wondered aloud. Hannah was blasting her music loud, the windows were all rolled down. I felt relieved the farther we got from my house.
“God, I hope not.”
Hannah plowed through a stop sign. I didn’t try to stop her. This feeling of freedom, I never wanted it to end. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against my seat, feeling the wind on my face.
We lurched to a stop in front of our favorite ice cream shop.
“I’m paying.” I grabbed my wallet.
“I said I was going to.”
“But you paid last time.”
“Okay, if you really want too.”
We both got two vanilla ice creams on an extra large cone. No sprinkles. It was exactly how we liked it.
We sat in a booth by the window.
“So how’s Matt?” Hannah twisted her silver necklace around her finger.
“Good I guess. We don’t really talk.”
“He texted me last night.”
I started laughing. “Are you guys dating?”
Hannah’s cheeks turned pink. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Really?”
“Are you mad?” Hannah stiffened.
“No.” I laughed again. “You can have my disgusting brother for all I care.”
“Thanks, April.” Hannah smiled.
“Hey, you are my best friend. You don’t need my permission or whatever.” I spooned some ice cream in my mouth from the cone.

“I know but,” she stared at the table, “-it didn’t feel right not telling you.”
“Please.” I cracked up. “It’s totally fine.”
Hannah and I were joking around and eating ice cream, just like old times. I never wanted to leave.
“How long have you and Matt been dating?” I asked casually.
“A few...months.” The tips of Hannah’s ears turned pink.
“Oh wow. Thats a long time to keep a secret.”
“Yeah it was actually around the time when your Mom started drinking.”
“Really?”
“Yeah..” Hannah trailed off.
My phone beeped. Matt had texted me:
ARE YOU HOME?
NO W/ HANNAH.
WHERE?
ICE CREAM SHOP.
WANNA MEET FOR PIZZA NEXT DOOR?
SURE.
“I’m texting your boyfriend, Hannah.” I smirked. “Jealous that he’s texting other girls?”
She laughed. “Not even. What does he want?”
“Pizza. Next door.”
“Cool.” She swung her purse over her shoulder. Ready to go?’
“Yeah. One second.” I threw my napkin into the trash can near our booth.
“He better pay.” I muttered to Hannah as we walked out.

It was weird seeing my brother and my best friend together. I noticed how often Hannah made him smile. I didn’t know any girl could have that effect on my brother. It made me happy to see them together.
We ate thee pizzas. Actually Matt ate two, Hannah and I split one. We stayed at the pizza shop for a while, throwing breadsticks at each other and talking. Hannah drove us home, and I made Matt sit in the back.
The house lights were off when we parked out front.
“Is anyone home?” Hannah asked.
“Maybe Mom went to bed..” I trailed off.
“I’ve got a key.” Matt held it up.
“Bye, Hannah.” I climbed out of the car.
Hannah and Matt smiled at each other shyly before Matt got out of the car.
“Do you really think shes home?” I whispered under my breath.
“No.” Matt answered.
We unlocked the door, and waved goodbye to Hannah. I watched her taillights disappear in the darkness.
I stepped inside the house, and my foot slid out from under me. I screamed in alarm and hit the ground with a thud.
Matt flicked the light switch on and laughed hysterically at my expression from the floor.
“Oh, shut up.” I smacked his arm.
Matt pulls me up by my arm, and heads upstairs to his room. I can still hear him laughing.
I walk into the kitchen to make some tea. I open the pantry and count; 5 mugs, 1 box of tea bags, 1 box of cereal, 2 apples, 3 oranges, and lots of canned food. Its way less then we used to have. I shake my head and grab a tea bag. I start the kettle and wait comfortably. I open what used to be the silverware drawer, half hoping that Mom put something back. Still empty. How am I still the only one who’s noticed this? Probably because the only one who ever uses the kitchen is Mom.
I’m about to shut the drawer when something white catches my eye. A white slip of paper edge is sticking out from underneath the drawers side. I pull it out slowly, so that I can’t rip it. The words jump out in bold print: OVERDUE. TAXES. PAYMENT.
I pull the drawer forward more and reach in. My fingers skim the crackly surface of more papers. I rip out as many of them as I can. When I’m done I’m holding them all in a fist in each hand.
Were broke. That much is obvious. And Mom has been hiding the bills. With Dad’s job, this makes no sense. I need to hide these. Matt can’t know, not yet. I stuff them up my sweater, and grab my warm tea mug in my freezing hand.
In my room I pry open the loose floorboard in my closet. The only item in there is the old barbie I beheaded in the second grade. I drop the papers in. They cover Barbie.
I close my eyes and lean my head against the closet door. I can’t tell anyone. I can’t be the one to tear this family apart.
Has Mom been spending all our money on alcohol? No. Where would she hide all of it? And the amount of debt we're in is so great that she’s been spending money on something else.
My head pounds. I take a sip of tea. Its been a stressful day. My eyes start to close.
I’ll figure it out in the morning.

I wake up leaning against my closet door holding a cold tea mug. My neck hurts from being in an uncomfortable position for so long. I stretch and push my tea mug away. According to the clock, its 12:51.
I hear a creak from downstairs. Mom’s home. I creep silently downstairs. Moms in the kitchen, drinking some tea.
“Mom?” I whisper.
“In here, April.” She yawns.
I walk over to her and join her in the kitchen.
“Where’d you go?” I lean against the refrigerator.
“Casino.” She drinks more tea.
“What?” I gape at her. She doesn’t gamble. She doesn’t. But how would you know that? A cold voice whispers in the back of my head. “Did you...” I swallow, “Did you gamble?”
“Yup.”She says to my horror. She flings the tea mug onto the counter. “Lost all the money. Again.” She rakes her fingers through her hair frustrantly.
“Are you drunk?” She must be. She never would tell me this normally. “Is that why we're running out of money, Mom? You’ve been wasting it on gambling?” My voice rises in anger.
Mom glares at me with tired eyes. Her face is lined and her hair looks a bit grey in the lighting. She looks...old.
“You have no idea,” She states evenly, “-what this has been like for me. You have no idea!”
I flich and take a step back. “You’re crazy.” I yell. “This whole time I’ve been covering for you. Cleaning up after you and not saying a thing to Dad or Matt. Whats wrong with you?”
I expected her to hit me then. Instead she turned and faced the kitchen wall and ignored me.
“Why are you ruining this family, Mom? Answer me!”
Her back still faced me. Her face was stony. “Get out of the house, April. I don’t want to look at you for another minute.”
“You get out, Mom! I haven't done anything! Your the one who-”
“I said, get out!” Her hand swipes her tea mug. It smashes onto the hardwood floor and breaks.
Without another word to her, I walk outside the door. I slam it loudly, and leave her to clean up her own mess.
The air outside is warm. I head in the direction of an old lake where I used to hide away.Its peacefull and quiet. And peacefull and quiet is exactly what I need.
The moonlight guides me. Funny how a few minutes ago I was spitting mad, but now I’m so calm. Crickets chirp in the distance. The dark folds over me, like an old familiar friend.
I find the lake. The smooth and dark surface of the water looks inviting. I dip my toes in the warm water and sit down on the damp grass.
I wish that I could just stay here forever. Just close my eyes and fade into this peaceful place. I tilt my head back and feel the soft breeze caress my face.
“April?”
My brother stands by the lake, looking at me questionably.
“How is you always find me, Matt?”
“Your easy to read.” He smiles. He switches his flashlight off. “You okay?
“Yeah.”
He sits down beside me and twists a blade of grass around his finger. “I know its hard, with Mom and everything.”
“She’s been gambling our money away. Did you know that?” The words slip out.
“Yes.”
I stare at him. “What?”
Matt clears his throat. “I found her.. drunk one time. She was crazy and wouldn’t stop talking about casinos and money and loan sharks.”
“You knew? This whole time? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“For the same reason you didn’t tell me. You didn’t want to be the one to break the bad news, huh?”
I throw a rock into the lake and watch the surface ripple. “I guess we're both good at keeping secrets, huh?
“I think I’m better at it.”
I laugh. “Whatever. Matt, why do you think she just suddenly turned into that kind of person? You know she was never like that before.”
Matts face tightens. “My guess would have to be.. Dad.”
“Dad?” I laugh hysterically. “How could it be Dad? He’s never home. Ever.”
“Exactly. He’s never home. I guess Mom started to feel lonely. So she started drinking and then gambling...”
“You have no idea,” Mom had yelled, “-what this has been like for me. You have no idea!”

We sit in silence for a little while. “Do you think she’ll get better?” My voice comes out small.
“Maybe someday.” Matt stands up. “Come on, April. Lets go home.”

I wake up late for school. I curse and jump out of bed, pulling on random sweaters and shirts without really thinking about it. On my way out, I grab a piece of toast and stuff it in my mouth. Theres no time to brush my teeth.
I run out the door. The sun shines brightly and harshly down on me. Its going to be a scorching hot day.
The late  bus starts to pull away when I reach the curb. “No! Wait, please!” I yell. I run after the bus. I will my feet to go faster.
The bus driver stops, finally, when he realizes I’m running behind him. “Thank you.” I gasp. I wipe sweat off my forehead. I clamber on and some students give me curious stares.
I tell myself that I don’t care. I find a nice empty seat and sit down with a sigh. In the back of the bus I hear a few people giggling. I put earbuds in and crank up some music to tune them out.
The bus screeches to a stop in front of school. The bus driver reminds everyone to go to the office and sign in because were all late. Like I didn’t already know.
I sign into the office and slide into Chemistry in with three minutes to spare.
“Hey!” Carly, my lab partner, smiles. “Where were you?”
“Sleeping.” I say sheepishly. 
“Haha. You missed the-”
I tune her out. Chemistry is my worst class. I can never concentrate in here.
The bell rings and I smile, relieved.
“See you later.” I wave goodbye to Carly.
I join the crowd of students in the hallway. Hannah waves at me as I pass by her. I smile.  I love school. Its the one place where I’m normal. Its the one place where I’m just an average everyday student.

Its been quiet. No fights, no discussions. Mom, Matt, and I barely talk to eachother. We don’t even eat together. I eat in my room and Matt eats in his. Who knows where Mom eats. I guess you could say we’ve all been avoiding each other every since the big fight Mom and I had.
Mom’s probably still gambling our money away. I guess that explains why so many things have been missing. Matt and I both know that there's nothing we can do or say to make her stop. And telling Dad? Haha, thats funny. How long has it been since I’ve seen him? A few months-at least.
Matt and I both don’t want to be the one’s to break up this family. So we stick to silence.
  I lay in my bed, blasting music and looking at all the memories on my wall. The front door closes. Mom’s home.
I turn the music up so its even louder than before. I hear her banging kitchen cupboards open. Is she looking for food, or taking some out? Does she sell it for money?
None of it makes sense but I have to remind myself I don’t really care.
I hear the door open again. Matt? No, he’s at basketball practice. Which leaves only one other option: Dad.
I slide off my bed and pull open my door, slowly. The door squeaks in protest. I want to run down the stairs to Dad and hug him. Just like I used to when I was a little girl. He would throw me up in the air and ask, “How’s my little princess today?”
That was before he got his promotion.
I still hear Mom rummaging through the cupboards.
I take a deep breath and say, “Hi, Dad.”
“Princess! Come down here!”
Its like I’m five again and he expects me to come flying down the stair. I walk.
Its weird seeing him here. His face is more lined then I remember it being. He definitely has more flecks of grey in his brown hair. Dad’s smile widens when he sees me.
“Hows my girl today?”
“Okay.”
We stand there awkwardly for a few minutes. I wait for Dad to say something, anything.
Nothing.
“Well, gotta go back to work, sweetheart. We’ll talk later, okay?” Dad heads back down the stairs.
We’ll talk later he says. Or never I think. He didn’t even say hi to Mom. He didn’t even notice that she’s taking food out. He didn’t even ask. Every step Dad takes away from me breaks a little more of my heart.
I let him go.
Mom slams the kitchen cupboard shut. Her arms are full of food. Her shoulders brush by mine as she carries it all down the stairs. I let her go, too.
I find Matt in the living room. He sits on our old faded green couch watching tv.
“Hey.” Matt looks away from the tv briefly.
“Hi.” I’m relieved that someone is finally talking to me.
“What are you watching?” I slide down onto the floor and glance at the tv.
“News. A storms coming.”
I nod my head. Storms are common in Maine.
“You might want to stay inside.”
“Okay, whatever.”
Matt rolls his eyes.
We watch tv for a little while. The rain pounds heavily against our windows. The temperature in my house drops to dangerously cold.
“Matt what's for dinn-”
The tv snaps off. The overhead light turns dark. The sudden dark is terrifying. Thunder rumbles from outside, shaking the windows.
“Told you so.” Matt grumbles.
“What are we going to do now, Matt?”
“Wait it out, I guess.”
I hear loud footsteps coming from the hall. My heart pounds. My mind races with thoughts of who or what it could be. I grip the edge of the table tightly.
“Who is it?” Matt squints in the dark.
“Me.” Dad answers. “What happened to the power?”
“Blackout.” I answer. I let go of the table and relax.
“Oh.” He says.
Oh, indeed.
“What happened to the power?” Moms voice rings out.
“Blackout.” Dad, Matt, and I say at the same time.
“Oh.” Mom doesn’t sound happy.
“What are we having for dinner?” My stomach grumbles.
“We have some leftover pizza on the counter.” Mom replies. “Matt, can you get the candles and the matches?”
Dad shuffles over to the dining room table, arms out like a mummy.
Our first family dinner in almost a year, how terrifying.
The candles cast spooky shadows on the wall. We crowd around the table as we grasp for light. The air seems colder the closer we stand together. Everyone looks uncomfortable, as if we’ve forgotten what lines to say for the play, Family Dinner.
The harsh candlelight make us all look different. It defines the lines underneath Moms eyes and reflects the grey in Dads hair. I rub the  goosebumps on my arm as the darkness swallows over us. I wish we could turn the lights back on. The silence is unnerving.

“Thanks Mom.” I say.
She nods briefly. Her lips are pursed like she wants to say something, but instead she hands me a cup of water.
I’m glad she’s not drunk and that she’s actually put together.
We sit at the table. Mom and Dad don’t say anything to each other. Mom won’t even look at him, she stabs her food with her fork without eating it.
I don’t really blame her. Dad’s missed out on too many family dinners.
He doesn’t try talking to us, I think he’s starting to understand that we’re all mad at him.
Good.
“I’m done eating.” Mom pushes her plate of cold and untouched macaroni away. She breezes by Dad without saying a word.
“Me too.” Matt leaves the table.
I spoon one more bite of macaroni and push my chair back. As I walk away I glance back at Dad. In the candlelight he looks old, all hunched over with a pained look in his eyes. I resist the urge to comfort him. Its his own fault. He chose work over family.
All the lights snap back on. I hear voices talking from the tv. A few radios play old classical jazz songs.
Dad stands up. “I’m going back to work.” He announced to no one in particular. He looks a little relieved to leave the table.
I walk up the stairs to my room, grateful for the light. I pause when I see Mom’s room. Her door is open just a crack. I feel chills down my neck as I push open her door.
Toys, papers, silverware, food, its all in here. All the junk and stuff that has been missing is strewn all over her floor.
Why?
I see a travel bag in the corner, half packed.
I survey it with a frown. Is she going somewhere?
The door swings open behind me, I freeze when I hear Mom's voice.
“What are you doing in my room, April?” Her hands are on her hips and her eyes are narrowed dangerously.
“Nothing.” I gulp. I point at her bag, “Going somewhere?”
She laughs. “Don’t be ridiculous. Thats your fathers bag. He’s the one who always leaves us.”
“Oh.” I say softly.
“So if you don’t mind. Please get out.” Her hands are on her hips. Mom’s tone is threatening.
“Um I just wanted to...to get some...toothpaste.” Bad excuse. Stupid! I call myself mentally.
She tosses me a tub. “Anything else? Does your father need some toothpaste, too?”
I can hear the bitterness and pain in her voice. She feels abandoned by him, just like Matt and I do. At first it was great. We had more money and Dad was so happy. But then it was not. He was always on work, he slept at work, he ate at work. He missed birthdays and Christmas. He never called us or stopped by to say hello. Once in a while he would show up, and then dissapear. At work.
Maybe Matt is right, then. Maybe Mom started to drink and gamble because she was angry, and depressed. Angry because Dad was always gone and left her to take care of two children, so she gambled away the money. Depressed because Dad didn’t care about her or us anymore. That would explain the drinking.
I want to help her, to wrap my arms around my mother and tell her everythings going to be okay. That I still love her.
Mom pushes me out the door. “Get out.” She snaps slamming the door in my face.
Why was I even surprised? I was used to being shut out.
“Goodnight, Mom.” I whispered quietly as I shut my door softly.

Dad slept on the couch last night.  Serves him right, I thought sourly. His glasses were lying crooked on his forehead and he was snoring loud enough to wake up the whole state of New England. A blanket that was two sizes too small was wrapped around his shoulders.
I made sure to be as noisy in the kitchen as possible. I banged cups on the counter and slammed open and shut almost empty cabinets. The snoring abruptly stopped from the living room.
“April?” Dad wandered into the kitchen still wrapped in his blanket. He yawned loudly.
“Yes?” I filled my cup from water from the sink.
“Want to go out to eat breakfast?”
Is that some pathetic way to get me to forgive you because you left the family for eight years?
“I guess.”
“Okay!” Dads smile brightened happily.
Awkward couldn’t even begin to describe the car ride over to the Pancake House. Dad was bouncing the whole way.
“Want the chocolate chip pancakes?” Dad asks when we are at our table.
Its nice that he remembers what I used to order here.
“No thank you.” I order the bacon and eggs instead. Dad orders the same thing with a side of sausage.
“My little girls all grown up now.”  Dad smiles a little sadly.
Im not your little girl. Not anymore, Dad.
“A lot of time has passed, Dad.”
“I know.” I see some regret in his eyes. “And I’m sorry I didn't spend more of it with you.”
I’m sorry too.
We eat our food.

“Hey Matt where did Mom go?”
“Who knows.” Matt grumbles. He must have just woken up. “Where did you go?”
“Out to breakfast with Dad.” I say a bit sheepishly.
“Hmm.” Matt gives me a curious look before changing the subject. “Have you talked to Hannah recently?”
“Not really,” I admit, “I don’t know where my phone is.”
“Shes having a party tonight at her house.”
“Cool.”
“Are you going?” He asked.
“Yeah, shes my best friend Matt.”
“Okay.” Matt nodded his head. “I’m driving.”
I shivered. “Fine.”
I found my phone under my bed. I had five missed calls from Hannah. I called her back immediately. She picked up on the first ring.
“Hey! I thought you were dead or something.” Hannah’s voice had an edge of excitement to it.
“No, I’m fine.”
“So theres going to be this-”
“Party at your house,” I finish, “I know Matt told me.”
“Good. Its going to be so much fun!”
We both said goodbye and hung up. I didn’t really liked parties but this one sounded like the perfect escape. And I needed an escape from my family.
I threw on a clean shirt and braided my hair.
Mat knocked softly on my door. “You ready?”
“Yes.” I slipped on some boots.
“Lets go.” Matts hair was still wet from his shower.
We snuck out the front door. Actually, we didn’t even need to sneak out.  We just walked out.
“How did you get the keys Matt?” I whispered as we climbed in the car.
“I have my ways.” Matt started the car and started to back out.
I sat in the front this time. Its late, I reasoned. No one is really going to be on the road at this hour.

We pulled up in front of Hannahs house. Music was blasting so loud I could still hear it a block away.
“Ready?” Matt stepped out of the car.
“Sure.” I agreed nervously. Maybe this had been a bad idea, but it was too late to back out now. We were already here. I followed Matt ot the front door.
Matt knocked sharply.
I rolled my eyes. “Matt, do you really think anyone can hear you over the music?”
“Oh. Good point.”
I grasped the door handle and pulled it open. Bright lights blinded me and Matt. All I could see were spots, Matt had to push me in. The music blasted in my ears. I covered them. How was this fun?
I pushed my way through the wiggling bodies. I still couldn't see. Bright strobe lights flashed in my eyes. Someone grabbed my hand. I was pulled through the crowd.
“Hannah!” I yelled.
“Hey!” She yelled back. She let go of my hand. “Isn’t this fun?”
“I guess!’ I doubted she could really hear me.
“Lets dance!” Hannah giggled.
As fast as I was out of the crowd, I was suddenly back in. Someone stepped on my foot, several times. I winced in pain and tried to sway like the people around me.
This is stupid, I thought.
I don’t know how long Hannah and I danced, or tried to, in the hot and sweaty crowd of dancers.
“I need some water!” I screamed in Hannahs ear.
She made a face. “What?” She yelled.
I shook my head. “Nevermind.” I mouthed.
I elbowed people to get out. I knew it was rude, but it was the only way I could get out.
Where’s Matt?  I wondered.
I tumbled to the floor. Someone stepped on my foot, pinning me down.  I hit there leg with my free hand. They released me.  I tried to stand up, but I was knocked down by the crowd again. I would have to crawl through.
I’m finding Matt, and getting out of here. That thought kept me crawling to the front door, to freedom.
I pulled open the door and welcomed the cold fresh air that whipped through.
“Matt!” I saw him out of the corner of my eye and motioned for him to come here.
He clambered over with less difficulty than I had to the front door. “Can we go?” I yelled.
He cupped his mouth. “What?” He swayed.
I grabbed his arm and pushed him out the front door. “Lets go.”
Matt was having trouble walking.
“Have you been drinking?” I shook him.
“No.’ He scowled. “I’m just tired. Why do we have to go?”
“Its time to go.”
I boosted Matt into the drivers seat. He was the only one who knew how to drive.
“Drive slow.” I warned him.
He nodded and fumbled for his keys.
I put my seatbelt on and put his on for him.
“Slowly!” I gasped when he put his foot down on the gas.
We shot backwards and then forwards. He hit the brakes and my head smacked my seat sharply. 
“Matt!” I yelled.
We accelerated faster as he turned us back on the road. My heart was pounding.  He was drunk. God, why did I let him drive?
“Relax, April.” Matt laughed. “We’ll be home soon. Just re-”
We hit a bump in the road.
Matt grabbed the wheel and tried to turn us back on the road, but he was going to fast. The car spun as he jerked the wheel tightly. I screamed as loudly as possible. The car flew off the road.
“Matt! Stop the car now!” I sobbed. I couldn’t see a thing. Matt had somehow turned off the headlights in his drunken state. Terror gripped me tightly as plunged into God-knows-what. For a few heartbeats, I knew how it felt to be blind. We sped down the road. The car shook as we hit rocks and trees. I hoped they were just rocks and trees.  Matt flipped the headlights back on, looking as shaken and sick as I felt.
Even through my tears I could see the huge tree we were heading straight for. There was no way Matt could stop the car at the speed we were going.I braced my leg against the car door tightly. Matt grabbed my sweaty hand and muttered under his breath.
Matt could only get two words out to me before we hit it. “I’m sorry, April.” He choked out.
I nodded just before we smashed into the tree. We lurched forward and my head snapped backwards. My stomach rolled as the car did too. My leg snapped as I was jerked around in the car. I was helpless, so helpless. My head hit something- the window I think. My head felt like it was splitting open. I could see Matt through my almost closing eyes. His neck was tilted at a funny angle. He wasn’t moving.  I closed my eyes tightly. I didn’t want to see anymore.
I blacked out.

I woke up in the hospital. I had thirty two. stitches in my leg, the doctor said, and it was broken. Matt was also okay, he told me. He had broken his arm and a few ribs but nothing that  was life threatening.
I sunk into the soft white mattress and white pillows. My head was pounding.
“Can I have some water?” I whispered. My throat was scorched.
“Of course.” The doctor agreed.
I tried to wiggle my toes. A sharp pain flared from my right leg, the bandaged one. I bit back a scream.  The pain made my vision swim.
“April! April!” I heard my Dad say.
I felt my Moms cold hand slap me.
I lost conscious.

Seven days. The doctor told me. I had been passed out for seven days. Something had been overlooked. I had a slight concussion.
“You can go home in a few days, honey.” The nurse covered me up in a few blankets.
“My parents?” I whispered.
“They visited a few times.” She replied.
“Are they mad?”
“I think they are more worried than mad.” She fluffed my pillows. “Hit the button if you need me.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. I drifted back to sleep.

I was never allowed to talk to Hannah again, Dad said. He had taken Matt and I’s phones. We were going to be homeschooled as soon as we could.
“And no driving,” Dad guided my wheelchair down the ramp, “until you're eighteen.”
I nodded. I was just happy to be alive.
Matt had gotten to go home before me even though his injuries were worse. The doctors and nurses were more worried about my concussion so they kept me longer.
“Wheres Mom?” I asked Dad.
Dad shook his head. “We will talk when we get home.”

Matt was waiting for me at the front door. He looked horrible. His face was bruised and he clutched his side like every breath he took  hurt. His neck brace made him look funny.
Dad wheeled me into the living room.
I looked around and noticed how empty it was. Why had Mom taken more things?
“Wheres Mom?” My voice wavered.
Dad took a breath. His eyes watered. “Your Mom...she gambled all our money away.” He swallowed. “All of it. The loan sharks came after her, but she took off. She’s gone April. I’m..I’m so sorry. I tried to stop her.”
I’ve never seen my Dad cry before. Ever. I stared at him as he sobbed.
“She left us?” I whispered.
Dad nodded painfully. “I’m sorry. Its all my fault. If only I had been around more, then maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“Dad,” I struggled not to cry, “its not your fault. Matt and I knew what she was doing, but we didn’t stop her.”
“We are going to have to pull through.” Matt closed his eyes. “As a family.”
Dad hugged us both. “I’m so proud of you, both. So proud.” His voice cracked.

ONE MONTH LATER

I never saw her again. Sometimes I wanted to blame somebody, but I knew there was no point. We were all to blame.
I sat by the lake and thought about how different my life had been, just months ago.
Let go, Kathleen had told me. She was the therapist Dad forced me to see. Let her go.
Kathleen was annoying.
I looked at the moon. It was so beautiful, and untouchable. You could see it, but you could never have it. Just like Mom.
I looked at the moon.
And I whispered goodbye.