I was at my locker in the Science wing of the high school (before I dropped out) gathering my textbook and notebook for my calculus class. It was my free period, so the halls were vacant and I didn’t need to rush anywhere. I walked down the narrow dark hallway looking down at my feet which were covered by black Uggs that were rolled down and my wavy long auburn hair was in my face so I couldn’t see too well but I didn’t care to think I might bump into somebody. I was also wearing copper red sweatpants that were two sizes too big and my Union College sweatshirt that was baggy. I had never really given too much care about the way I dressed so I never put on makeup and I looked like a hobo everyday. I took out my iPhone and plugged in the tiny headphones. The earbuds in my ear felt cold but I didn’t really care. I started playing songs from my favorite band, “Black Veil Brides” and I walked with my head down completely oblivious . Normally I was relatively good at avoiding people physically in the hallway when it was filled but ironically when the hall was empty and the biggest loser in school (me) bumped into the hottest and baddest guy in school, Shane leading me to catch his attention without the intention of doing so.
“Sorry.” I had said but when I looked up, I was looking into icy blue eyes that I couldn’t lock myself out of. He just smiled in an extremely handsome and captivating way and introduced himself but I was still too focused in on his eyes to even notice this stranger was talking to me.
“You?” He pulled me out of my trance with his deep voice which was smooth as silk.
“I’m sorry what?” was all I managed to say in a cracked and quiet voice. He chuckled and repeated,
“I’m Shane Daniels. What’s yours?” Shane pushed a strand of my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. Normally I would’ve flinched away but it was as if my feet were cemented to the floor AND super glued. I couldn’t move an inch.
“I-I’m um,” I stammered. I could barely breathe let alone talk, why wouldn’t he just go away and leave me alone?!
“Should I just call you Big Green Eyes Girl?”
“No um,” I laughed half-heartedly. His kind smile was still plastered on his face. “It’s Carolyn. Carolyn James.” His smile grew maybe an inch which made it even that more mystifying. Teeth white as snow, canines sharp as fangs, lips red as roses, he didn’t seem real and his pale, big, strong hand still hadn’t left the spot it was in when he tucked the piece of hair behind my ear.
“I’ve seen you around the school before ya know.” I squirmed a little. If it had been Frank Conroy (the second biggest dork in school) who claimed he had seen me in the halls, I wouldn’t have cared and just brushed it off my shoulders walking away without a thought about it. However, this was Shane Daniels. I had to at least ATTEMPT to make a good first impression. Or I could always try to psyche him out so he would never have to talk to me again. I inhaled deeply through my nose trying to hold my breath.
“A lot of people see me. We kind of are a small graduating class ya know.” I made my sentences short and clear while I was holding my breath. I kept praying I would just disappear to an alternate universe where I could just sit in my room with my laptop and books, along with a pair of speakers to satisfy my musical needs. Pulling me out of my thoughts once again, Shane chuckled and said,
“Yes,I have come to realize that we’re a small class.”
“See?” We both started laughing, though his was probably more genuine than mine on all levels seeing as though I was still in shock he was even conversing with me.
“Come on, I’ll walk you to your class. What do you have?”
“Oh, that’s really nice, but I have a free period right now.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.” His smirk made me feel lightheaded.
“What was the question again?” God damn, my voice kept cracking. I was giving myself away and the perfect curves of his face never gave out. I let my eyes drop down to see his outfit. Of course, blue washed out jeans with white high tops, a white v-neck, a silver cross around his neck which was small and fragile, along with his black backpack which looked worn out and old.
“I asked where you were headed.” My eyes snapped back up to meet his and I slung my dark purple backpack over my shoulder so it was in front of my chest. I opened up the top compartment and packed in my textbooks, then swung my backpack around so it rested on my spine.
“I um, was probably just gonna go to the library. Read some Shakespeare.” I was such a geek.
“Wanna do something else?” His smirk widened back into the smile which drew me in and I looked at my watch. 12:30pm. Only 45 minutes until free period was over. My brain was telling me to say no, my mouth had it’s own agenda.
“What did you have in mind?” I tried to smile like him, but instead I ended up with the smirk I gave everyone else.
“I have a spot where I like to go and let loose. Wanna see it?” My stomach churned and my brain started SCREAMING at me to say no. Yet again, my mouth had it’s own plan.
“Sure.” Ironically enough, that’s where I was sitting when thinking about meeting Shane for the first time. It was only a five minute walk from the school, fifteen minute walk from my house. Somewhere a little far into the woods, there was a debilitated stone bridge which lay over a small creak filled with rocks and toads along with the occasional water bugs. I remember how we just sat there. Our bags side by side behind us, feet over the edge not close enough to touch the cool water running slowly below. I remember laughing at the memories he had shared, but then we both listened intently to one another when we each told of our grim and dark pasts. It was astonishing to me that someone like Shane would even have a heart big enough to LOOK let alone open up to someone like me.
“Can I ask you something?” Shane had just explained how his father was abusive and how he had killed his mother when he was only eight years old. Shane had moved in with his grandparents and was saving money for his own place since he was ten. He seemed quiter now that everything was out in the open. His memories and his experiences hung in the air like a gray cloud ready to break loose at any given moment with rain.
“Yeah sure.” His voice was still smooth as silk, but it seemed hollow and empty when he replied.
“Is your reputation a whole persona?”
“What do you mean?” He looked at me, but I kept my eyes focused on the old oak tree which had collapsed over the stream a few yards away. Everything, as well as everyone has a story.
“I mean...this whole ‘bad boy’ thing. It’s your reputation.”
“Yeah so?”
“So...is it the real you? Is that who you really are?” He looked ahead and I brought my eyes down. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked that question. I should’ve kept my mouth shut like I normally did. Shane sighed and pondered my question for a moment, but then he turned his face back to me and our eyes met once again. His were filled with tears and they looked like they were crying for help. For someone to understand and to listen. I was the perfect candidate apparently.
“You don’t know what it’s like to be alone Cara. To feel like you can’t say anything to anyone without being prosecuted.”
“Except I do...I have no friends. I don’t talk to anyone for that precise reason.” I held back my tears. My eyes were like a dam that was ready to burst, but I had to fight it off. Let some of the water drain back into my head. Shane sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Eyes kept down, he kept explaining to me.
“I have two faces.”
“So you’re a liar?”
“No not like that. When I say ‘two faces’ I mean that I have two personas. The ‘bad boy’ which is the gig I’m in at school and the REAL me well.... nobody knows who that is.” I held my breath. He was more like me than I thought. So why did that make me so happy?
“One day will you let him out?” Time seemed to freeze. The stream seemed to stop moving, the breeze seemed to hold in it’s place waiting for the same thing I was which was Shane’s answer. While waiting for his reply, I focused in on the surroundings around the little safe haven of his which was now shared by us. The sun was shining lightly through the trees green and orange leaves, the toads were croaking in an attempt to find their way back home, and the water was streaming quietly below us. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back.
“Depends on the person.” His response startled me out of my relaxation.
“What do you mean?” He smirked and let out a chuff of laughter.
“I mean, if I think a person is worthy to know who I really am and if I genuinely and sincerely trust that person...I’ll let them meet the REAL Shane Daniels. As of right now...no one has.” I sighed. Not in disappointment or confusion, but out of empathy. I put my left arm around his shoulders and I felt his forehead collapse onto my left inside shoulder. His tears were the main noise I could hear now. The toads and the stream were all just plain background noise. We just sat there and talked. Ditched the rest of the school day, and the day after that we were walking down the halls hand in hand. The way I best remember it was thinking it was all a movie. Thinking that I would wake up and realize “Silly Carolyn, you know that would never happen in real life. Especially not to YOU.” Two people with similar fears, dreams, and backgrounds meeting at the last place expected. A high school hallway.

They walked in drunker than men at their bachelor parties. My crusty eyes opened with blurry vision and when they cleared I read the alarm clock: 3:45am. Ugh. I got up and stretched. The front door slammed and all I could hear was Maddie’s laughter, Dawson’s coughing and chuckling, Shane’s footsteps, and all together the drunk essence which they all seemed to carry. At least you don’t need to pick anyone up from the hospital this time. I shook my head at my own private thought. The last time the gang came in this late, Shane and Dawson rushed me into my car because Maddie had gone to the hospital to get her stomach pumped. That’s what happens when it’s your 21st birthday. I slipped on my socks underneath my sweat pants and straightened out my Ghost Town tshirt. Walking over to the light--trying to not slip on anything-- I heard someone fall. Dawson.
“Come on man stop bein’ such a clutz!” Shane’s words were slurred. Good news for me, he’d fall asleep in probably two hours and wake up at around 2pm the next day. I turned on the light to the lowest amount to still give my eyes some time to adjust. Yawning and tired, I opened the white door that led into the rest of the apartment and turned on the hallway light.
“I’m not a clutz Daniels, I’m just havin’ some fun!” Dawson’s laugh made him sound more like a 35 year old which was pretty scary seeing as though he was only 19. The light was bright, and I had to squint to see. I jogged down the hallway to meet them, my hair bouncing behind me. Once I met them at the top of the stairs, I came back with,
“How about this? You’re both idiots while Maddie and I are the only two slightly intelligent ones.” I crossed my arms over my chest winking at Maddie and giving Shane the mischievous smile I had now perfected.
“Wise guy huh, Carolyn?” Shane inched closer to me making me want to duck my head down and blush (especially since he was giving me that captivating smile) but I fought my urges and looked him square in the eye with the same look. I punched his right arm through his leather jacket and he just stepped another inch forward in black jeans and his red high top Jordans. Along with his favorite gray v-neck and the cross he always wore.
“What Daniels? Can’t handle a little friendly competition from your girlfriend?” I inched closer to him giving us only one inch apart. It was kind of strange I was trying to antagonize him in HIS apartment but I lived there too so this was okay. I glanced over at Maddie who had sprawled herself onto the big red leather sectional in the middle of the living room. One leg here, another there. One arm here, another looking disconjointed and of course her hair was all in her face. Unlike most nights, Maddie dressed pretty conservative tonight (for her). Black fish net tights under jean shorts with black army boots and a white crop top with way too much eyeliner and eyeshadow along with teased hair. That’s what 7 years of partying with eventually do to you. Dawson on the other hand dressed like he was ready for school. Jean jacket with khaki shorts and a black tank top along with navy blue converse. I didn’t count, I was still in my pajamas. My thoughts were interrupted when I felt Shane’s hands on the elbows of my arms still across my chest. He leaned in for a kiss but I just gave him a peck, took off his jacket and sent him to go to the living room while I made him some food and got him a glass of water.
“I gotta take a piss guys, I’ll be right back.” Dawson stumbled to the hallway bathroom forgetting the light on the outside wall. Two minutes later, out he came and he plopped himself right down on the loveseat across from the sectional that Maddie had passed out on. Shane on the other hand sat on the same couch as Maddie--far away from her of course-- and turned on the TV to FOX to watch American Horror Story Freakshow. Our apartment was nice. A huge kitchen equipped with sink refrigerator,freezer, and dishwasher. The living room with our sectional, the brown love seat, the plasma screen TV, the wood floor and the fireplace. The laundry room obviously with a dryer and washer, a dining room with a small kitchen table to fit up to four people, three bedrooms and four bathrooms along with an attic. Shane worked, as did I, but his grandparents-who hadn’t given up on him-helped pay for the apartment a massive amount. I slid my way into the kitchen and out from the cabinet I grabbed a bag of popcorn with extra butter just the way Shane liked it. I set the microwave for the appropriate amount of time and grabbed a tall glass, filled it with water from the fridge and stood by the ticking waiting for his food. I heard Maddie groan and Dawson snore. Shane was probably just watching his show not even noticing. I wasn’t much of a drinker but when I did drink it was in small amounts. A few minutes later, the microwave dinged and I opened the door. Steam came rushing out to hug me but I waved it away with my hand while carefully picking up the edge of the hot bag with the other. I poured the buttery mess into a bowl but before serving it to Shane, put a little extra salt on top and stirred it in because he liked it like that. Just as inferred, Shane sat with his head hung on the back of the couch watching Evan Peters get his “lobster claws” sawed off and his feet were up on the black otomen which sat in the middle of the room. I kissed his forehead lightly and placed his bowl of food on his lap and the water on the floor next to him. I was going to sit down near Maddie to make sure she didn’t puke all over the gray couch but instead, Shane’s arm snaked around my waist and pulled me in next to him. Instead of the smell of lavender which was his normal musk, I smelled what reeked of Abercrombie&Fitch and Samuel Adams beer brand. I sighed but just placed the side of my head on his warm shoulder and closed my eyes drifting into a darkness of pleasure, otherwise known as sleep.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall down onto the soft gray blanket that we were sat upon. It may seem morbid that Shane and I were enjoying ourselves in a graveyard, but it seemed like the only place where we could be ourselves. I felt a smile creep onto my face. Sneaky and mischievous, prying to plaster itself on my face to let people know that not all of me was intimidating and dangerous. It had been the first time in years that the real me came out. As I lay back ,I could hear worn out car tires rumble quietly along the cracked gravel roads. The birds lightly chirping in the tall pine trees behind us made the escape from reality that more enjoyable. It was comforting to know they could go home when I couldn’t. It made me content. I slowly opened my dazed eyes and propped myself up onto my pale elbows. Two pairs of feet lay out in front of me, mine and Shane’s. I reached over for the Thermos which sat next to me and opened the top. Hot steam raced to the top dancing in the air above me and before sipping the freshly brewed hot coffee, I blew gently to make sure it wouldn’t spill while trying to cool it off. I took a sip and I was reminded of the times when things that were so small actually mattered to me. Drinking coffee on early Sunday mornings with my dad at our kitchen table with newspapers in hand with the sun just shining through the brown blinds which swirled on the table of mahogany. I remember telling corny jokes and then making fun of Mom who was always cranky in the morning when she came downstairs in Dad’s old sweatpants. I remember talking about my life after high school and where I was going to go to college...Interrupting the bittersweet memory of home, I felt Shane’s arm snake around my waist lifting me where my head rested on his left shoulder. His soft lips kissed my right temple gently and with care since he knew how fragile I was. I looked forward, toward the marble town of headstones. The sky was a mixture of orange, blue and pink making the sun’s rays twist and turn through the hundreds of stones. It almost looked like a dream. Magical, mystifying and beautiful. I closed my eyes again and inhaled deeply through my nose. A mixture of freshly mowed grass and Shane’s subtle musk which reminded me of lavender. I then felt the gentle breeze pick the auburn, long, straight hair of mine off my neck making it float behind me like a sail on a sailboat. A sensation of happiness and freedom flooded over me. It made me forget about harsh realities such as stress, anger and sadness...along with cruelty. However, sitting on the soft, old gray blanket with Shane, looking at death but realizing the world’s beauty was right under my nose and right at my fingertips. I turned my head to Shane where my chin rested on his shoulder and just looked at him. I noticed how handsome his brown, ear length hair was in sunset light and how carefree his eyes, though ice blue but filled with compassion and strength looked, along with the smirk painted on his face. Shane had a dark past. It was more like an abyss when he talked about it. You felt lost and grimm when he went into detail. We grew strength from one another which gave me a release I hadn’t felt since I left home. He was my best friend in the world. I focused back on the gracious rolling hills that completed the scenery in front of us and whispered, “Forever.”

Shane and I had been dating for all of three days, and already he was messing with my head. My changes were slow at first, but like cancer, they spread quickly. The first thing I noticed that was changing about me, was that i started to care less and less about school. Going off into daydreams during class, slogging through the halls, sometimes even texting. On a Wednesday morning in early May, Shane had driven me to school. he had planned on ditching for the day, and I was already thirty minutes late to class. I may have had a small weakness for iHop’s double stuffed chocolate chip pancakes and ice coffee. Shane and I stuck out like penguins in Brazil when we walked into the blue and white building. The smell of french toast and bacon welcomed our noses with big hugs. It was Wednesday morning at 8:30, so of course the only people sitting inside were college students with textbooks and food crowding their tables while sitting in sweatshirts and pajamas. The alternative was a bunch of old couples drinking lukewarm tea with no lemon and cinnamon oatmeal. They too were in pajamas or just baggy clothing. Shane and I on the other hand were the opposite. I looked like I was going out for a day on the Hollywood boardwalk while he looked like he was going for a walk in the park. A black tank top with a hood on the back, khaki shorts, black high tops, hair perfectly tussled up to the point where it didn’t look overly messy, and his right hand holding my left. I on the other hand was wearing denim shorts that had rips in them, a black tank top with a skull on it that had red, white, and blue jewels on it for the American flag, my white converse, my red fingerless glove on my right hand, aviator sunglasses from Michael Kors, hair straightened, and for once, eyeliner in my waterline. So of course everyone looked at us like we were elephants walking on a tightrope. An elderly waitress with thin, curly, white locks led us to a booth in the back where we ate. he told me his plans for the day, asked me if I wanted to tag along, and naturally I declined.

But now, here we were, sitting in the school parking lot. I slurped down the last few drops of slightly warm ice coffee and turned to Shane who was playing with his keys that were still in the ignition. There was one chain on his keys that was my favorite. It was a solid gold book no bigger than the size of my thumbnail. There was an engraving on the back, and it was a quote from a particular author I liked: Vladimir Nabokov. In perfect cursive, it read, “Life is a great surprise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.” It was my favorite key chain because it showed the true side of Shane instead of just the persona he had. I smiled and I guess I sighed along with that smile because Shane turned to me and returned the same mischievous smile that always locked me in place.

“What?” His voice just made me blush, and I turned my face back forward, leaning my head on the headrest behind me.

“In all honesty... I don’t really know.” That just made me laugh even harder, but when Shane took my hand, I stopped laughing and just shut my eyes while I could still feel my smile plastered on my face from ear to ear.

“You sure you wanna spend your day in this crummy jail?” I opened my eyes to see Shane looking at the school smirking. He had dropped out the day after him and I became public. I originally thought it was because he was embarrassed to be with me, but I then later found out that he was tired of living by other people’s rules. Instead of scaring me, it intrigued me and drew me even closer to him. I turned my head to face him, but I was still leaning back against the cool, black leather. His eyes snapped back to meet mine and he smiled the kind smile he gave me the first day we met.

“I really don’t want to…”

“So come ditch with me.” I didn’t notice we were inching closer to one another until I felt his forehead up against mine. My breath was caught in my throat.

“Where are you going again?” My voice cracked. I was so obvious.

“Your voice is shakey you know that right?”
“Not my fault.” Even though my eyes were closed, I could tell we were both smiling. Administrators and teachers who were going out to their cars for lunch breaks passed by staring, but neither one of us cared. We believed we were invisible.
“I was gonna go to New Jersey for the day. Wanna come?” I opened my eyes to find his staring at all my features.
“Seaside or-”
“No. My old place.” I got a buzzing noise in my head which was alerting me to say no. However, I was curious. We were whispering at this point.
“Sure.” With that, Shane kissed me, back away with his hand still holding mine tight, turned the keys in the ignition and off we went. My first day ditching, soon became a normal habit. After that...I had the same mindset as Shane, and left the place that I used to think as another building that held my future in it’s walls.

Pale as a ghost. Lips pink and quivering, eyes greener than ever with a green base wide with tears swelling up, hands trembling, legs not moving, arms glued to her sides. The last place I would expect to see my mom was of course, where we locked eyes. I hadn't seen Mom in a year and six months...I didn't know what to say. Shane was firmly holding onto my hand while I was glued to his side. Out of habit and fear, my arm snaked around his right bicep as he stood tall while I quivered in fear. We were outside at the vacant lot just on the outskirts of the city. No one ever went there unless they were making drug deals or if Shane and I wanted to escape life for a few hours. I guess what they say is true, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Mom looked comfortable and casual. Black plain flats, black leggings, the bright purple laced shirt that came down to her hips and the arms came just below her elbow. Her makeup was the same type she had always worn, though now her eyeliner, and mascara were pouring down her face even though she tried to fight back the tears. Her hair was curly as ever and down to her shoulders, blonde highlights complementing the natural brown hair she had, and finally she was wearing the gold diamond encrusted watch I had bought for her on Mother's day two years ago. I felt Shane's lips grimace my hair that laid next to my left ear.
"We can leave if you want. Escape to the South." His whispering sent chills down my spine. The weather was no longer pleasantly warm for an April afternoon. I was wearing white denim shorts, black vans, my rib cage black tank top and my old jean jacket that was now faded and worn out because before me...it had belonged to Mom. She had given it to me when I was 14. Mom practiced medical mal at a law firm about an hour outside the city and one day I went to the office with her. Normally when I went to Mom's office, I just walked around and talked to anyone who remembered me. Sometimes I would even help a very kind black secretary named Sandra file papers and talk to Ari, a coworker of Mom's who was right across from Sandra. I had gotten cold one day in the office and had found the jacket hanging on the hook behind Mom's always open door and asked if I could borrow it. Instead, when I tried it on Mom let me keep it and the first thing I thought when I first wore it was that it smelled exactly like the Chanel perfume that she loved to wear. The sound of Mom sniffling brought my attention back to reality. I looked up to Shane.
"Just give me one minute." My voice was quieter and shakier than I had thought. I cautiously let go of my arm from Shane's as he let go of my hand. I took a step closer to Mom and saw that she was holding her breath. I took another step and she exhaled. "Mom? I'm okay..." All she could do was shake her head. Not in the disappointed way--thank god--but in the utter disbelief type of way. I couldn't blame her. I took another step forward and took Mom's hands. They were shaky and cold.
"H--how?" Her voice crackled and quivered, just like her face.
"Mom...I'm not coming home." I turned to look back at Shane. His face was soft yet hard. I knew what he was thinking. I shot him a look of reassurance and noticed how he must have looked to her because she was staring past me to look at him too. Baggy jeans, black leather jacket, red v-neck which was tight over his chest, black high top Jordans, chain linked in two spots where his belt should've been, arms across his chest. Shane looked like the absolute delinquent. The delinquent who her daughter had run away with.
I sighed and turned back to her. Her eyes cold and pleading. Praying for her good girl daughter to come home. But that wasn't who I was anymore.
"You need to."
"I won't."
"Why?" She was always so difficult. She asked me why because she didn't want to believe how much I had changed. Before I left, I was a chunky, good student who didn't know what makeup, a hair straightener, a sense of style or fun was.
"Because I love Shane...and I'm not the same person."
"I don't believe that." See? Her voice had the sense of longing lingering inside of each syllable. It was harsh and cracking, BEGGING me to come home. I wouldn't give in. I stood up tall and let my hands fall from hers. I stared her dead in the eye.
"Look at me. For once don't look THROUGH me, Mom. See me for ME for once. Stop picturing the person who I was before because I'm telling you...I'm not the same. I honestly don't care that you think I am because I'm not and your opinion no longer matters to me." Her face held horror and she looked like she had just been stabbed with a knife straight in the back.
"You no longer care?" Her voice cracked, the tears swelled up again. "You don't love me?" I groaned. Of course, here came the over dramatics, and she STILL wasn't seeing me for what I was.
"Mom...I'm always going to love you. But you need to let me go. I'm already gone. This was going to happen at some point ya know. At some point I was going to leave home and live my own life with my own rules with people I love." I turned my head to Shane to see his face staring down, smile wide and cheeks flushed. He loved when I talked about him and our friends like that to other people.
"But with HIM?!" She said "him" through clenched teeth. Her fists clenched into balls, knuckles white as sand.
"Yes, Mom. With Shane. You always wanted me to be happy, didn't you?" I got her there. Her eyes softened but she got the look she always got when someone had basically trapped her. Checkmate. She always got little crinkles in the corner of her left eye, and her lips pursed into a thin line when she couldn't retaliate. After a few moments of silence and anticipation for the answer, Mom finally came back with,
"Of course I always wanted you to be happy. But you would've been so much happier with someone else. Someone who was intelligent," I heard Shane kick the ground. Not a good sign. "Someone who could afford their own place." Another kick. He was going to burst if she didn't stop. "Someone who has a bright future in store for them. Mr. Daniels over there doesn't." That's when Shane lost it. He walked over to where my Mom and I were and slung his arm around me. Uh oh.
"Hey, Mary, how are you?"
“It's Mrs. James to you, Shane." Her voice was sharp and harsh.
"Yeah well if you're going to be rude to me right in front of my face--”
"I didn't expect you to hear it." Sarcasm. Pure sarcasm. My teeth clenched.
"Yeah well I did. I didn't really appreciate it." I snickered. My mom turned to me. Staring daggers.
"Is there something funny, Carolyn?"
"Yeah."
"Oh really? What would that be?"
"That you're such an arrogant blind b***h that you can't even see how happy this boy makes your own flesh and blood."
"Well, my own flesh and blood has let me down." Shane grunted and returned with,
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT ABOUT HER!" Shane’s screaming always scared me a bit. However this time, I'm happy he was because he was defending me against the one thing that scared me most in this world. Mom looked over at him and smiled.
"She's my daughter, I can say what I want."
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE'S CAPABLE OF NOWADAYS! DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW STRONG SHE IS? SHE LEFT HOME FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
"Yes she did. That was a pretty stupid move on her part though." I felt tears swelling up in my eyes. I finally interjected with,
"If you hate me so much, why did you hunt me down?" She laughed a wicked laugh and replied with,
"That's cute. That you think I hate you. Your father, brother and I have been worried sick about you for the past year and half. Some people think you're DEAD." She looked off into the distance, which was fine with me because if she didn't I would have. That was something we both did. When it came to saying hard things, Mom and I couldn't look people in the eye. "I come here all the time. To breathe and to hope that things will get better."
"Yeah well it didn't turn out so great for you. Did it?" I smiled at Shane's remark. Fighting with my mother felt good. Her face went hard again, and her lips pursed again into the straight line.
"No...I guess it didn't." Instead of looking at Shane, she was looking at me. Disappointment and pain lingering in her face and eyes. With that, Mom turned away, walking fast over to her car. Got in and drove away. I was still gripping onto Shane's hand long after Mom's car was long gone and out of sight.

Greenish vomit colored gray. That was the entirety of what I could see. The ceiling of the small square jail cell wasn't anymore inviting than the cops that ran the place. Cracks dance around the corners and the base just providing that much more discomfort and hopeless feeling that comes along with being in prison. Ah well. I sat up from lying on the cold creaky cement bench and swung my legs over the side propping my back up against the rough wall. Grayish black bars sat straight ahead, mocking me for getting caught. It wasn't even that big of a crime in all honesty. The gang and I needed some Bud Lite so I went to the local CVS, grabbed a few bottles from the refrigerator which sat all the way in the back corner next to the food isle, shoved them in my back pack and I got out of there without beeping through the detectors. Once outside about to climb into my silver Subaru, a man who worked there with a thick Indian accent grabbed my arm and had told me that I had to go with him back inside. There, they unloaded my backpack, found the alcohol and brought me to the county jail, which was where I was now. I shut my eyes and sighed. I knew Shane would be there to post bail for me soon, and as much as I wanted to text him to see where he was, the god damned police officer had confiscated my phone. While my eyes were shut, I focused in on the sounds surrounding me while I was locked up. I heard a scared man on the phone with what sounded like his mom, begging her to let him come home, I heard the clinking of handcuffs and ankle cuffs scrapping along the cement ground, I heard an officer screaming at two inmates to quit the "roughhousing" and then there was me--which was just exhaling waiting for my boyfriend to come and pick me up.

It had felt like an eternity when a guard had finally jingled his keys and unlocked my cell.
"Carolyn James, your ride is here to pick you up." I groaned and picked up Shane's jacket, put it around my shoulders and scoffed at the male guard when I walked out. They gave me back my phone, had me walk through the metal detector one more time, and I was home free. I found Shane's car parked outside and he was standing with his back leaning against the trunk, legs crossed, hands in jacket pockets, smile wide in the way that had got me to fall in love with him, and eyes looking at me full of care. I ran into his arms and instead of crying I was laughing.
"Something funny?"
"Yeah, I can't believe my life motto failed me." I was talking in between breaths gasping for air and I was looking up at Shane, our arms still locked around one another.
"Which motto would it be this time babe?" He kissed my forehead and waiting for my explanation started nibbling on my neck. How was he expecting me to focus with him doing that?!?! In between giggles, I said,
"It's not a crime unless you get caught." His face came up and kissed my lips.
"Well, most of the time you don't but the rest of the-"
A banging on the hood of his car interrupted his sentence, it came from the inside. Soon, I heard Dawson scream,
"ALRIGHT LOVE BIRDS YOU TWO CAN GET A ROOM WHEN WE'RE BACK AT THE HOUSE BUT FOR NOW, I WANNA GO HOME SO LET'S GO!" Shane and I just laughed. Dawson had always been the impatient one out of our group, so this was normal. I climbed into the passenger seat and turned my head to face Dawson. Of course, Maddie was snuggled in next to him holding his hand while his right arm was behind her holding her body close to his.
"So, let me get this straight. You and Maddie can do WHATEVER you want. Be as late as you want, do as much PDA as you want, drink as much as you want...but when Shane breaks me out of jail because I tried to help YOUR sorry butt we can't just have ONE FREAKING MINUTE of affection?"
"That's the way it works sweetheart. You don't like the rules," he poked my nose making the ring in it shift, "then you can leave."
"Alright Dawson cut it out man that's enough. She has a point though." Dawson scoffed.
"Yeah, for you she always does man. You know that before she even came into the group that you always had MY back. Do you not remember our motto?!? Or do you just pay attention to your precious f*****g girlfriend now??" What Dawson said didn't really bother me. Whenever he lashed out on mine and Shane's relationship like this it was only because he missed the old times the two had shared just messing around and being idiots. They were still idiots, but because of my relationship with Shane and his relationship with Maddie (which was far more serious than the one Shane and I had), they never really got to mess around with each other anymore like back when they used to.
"Hey man, don't involve Car-"
"Shane it's fine." I protested because the last thing any of us needed right now was a World War 3. "He doesn't mean it he's just tired. Right Dawson?" I shot him a look and from the instant change in his facial expression, I could tell he understood the gift I had just given him.
"Yeah, sorry dude I'm just exhausted. Can we go now?" Shane just shook his head and revved up the engine. We backed out of the station parking lot and homeward bound. The next day, we got a call from Shane's parents.
"Hello?" I had answered the phone because Shane was getting dressed while Dawson was passed out with Maddie in their room.
"Hi, Maddie?" A worried and shaky voice...a woman's...who sounded young.
"U-um no this is Carolyn."
"OH! You're Shane's girlfriend!" The voice sounded excited and intrigued. I wasn't.
"Yeah this is she. Who's calling please?" I sounded more like Judge Judy than myself.
"This is Shane's stepmother: Kaitlin." Guilt seeped in my stomach.
"Oh. Hi Mrs. Daniels how are you?"
"I'm fine thank you but I really need to speak to Shane. Oh, by the way, I had heard from his grandparents he had to post bail for you last night. I'm sorry you ended up in there." I gulped hard. Her voice was FAR from genuine. She almost sounded sarcastic, but in the cold way.
"Oh um, yeah you see-"
"No need to explain. You aren't MY child." I swear to god as much as I loved Shane I would've easily punched his mother square in her face if she was in front of me.
"Yeah well I don't have any parents so." I was biting my tongue from calling her a b***h who had no regard for anyone else's problems other than her own.
"Is Shane there?" Mrs. Daniels also seemed pretty fed up with this conversation as well.
"Let me check." I covered the speaker and screamed "HEY SHANE?"
"WHAT IS IT BABE I'M TRYING TO FIND MY GRAY SHIRT."
"ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?"
"YEAH?"
"GOOD BECAUSE YOUR STEP-WITCH IS ON THE PHONE!"
"WHAT?!" With that I heard a big thud and Shane came running out of his room in black sweatpants shirtless and sock-less. Honestly even his tussled hair didn't make him look bad. I was jealous even though he was MY boyfriend. Eagerly he grabbed the phone out of my hand and I had to jump back so he wouldn't topple me while clinging to the white receiver hanging on the wall. "Kaitlin?" Shane's voice sounded small and cautious. I started to turn to leave but instead, he grabbed my hand and kept me there. Shane never liked to go through hard things alone so when something challenging came along, he always kept me there. NORMALLY I would be fine with it but seeing as though this was his step-mom. I forcefully released my hand, gave him a reassuring glance and walked into our room shutting the door behind me. I went into my night table in the top drawer and grabbed my copy of "Rosebush" by Michele Jaffe while waiting for Shane and Kaitlin to finish up. About an hour passed by, and then out of nowhere I heard Shane scream at the top of his lungs "I'M NOT GOING BACK! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! IT'S MY LIFE AND I'M GONNA LIVE IT AS I CHOOSE!" I then heard the phone slam into the operator and Shane mumbling under his breath. Almost simultaneously, Dawson and Maddie poked their heads out of their room while I poked my head out of mine. I looked over to them and saw Dawson mouth to me,
'What happened?' I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. Maddie looked up at Dawson. Her face full of concern and then turned her attention back to me. Normally when Shane got this angry, none of us wanted to talk to him out of fear he might go A wall and punch one of us instead of the punching bag we had in our room. We soon heard Shane stomping down the hall toward our room and instantly Maddie, Dawson and I poked our heads back inside our doors to make sure Shane knew we weren't talking about him. I plugged in my headphones as quickly as possible and picked up my book pretending to read when Shane walked in, grabbed his boxing gloves and nearly broke the punching bag off it's hinges on the ceiling. I had to intervene, so I placed my hands on his shoulders while he was punching and he froze, but his back relaxed. Every time I even laid a finger on Shane, it would calm him down. He turned towards me, tears burning in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks. His head collapsed into my neck and he let himself slump so much we fell backwards onto the bed. We lay like that for a solid two hours. Him just crying and never stopping, hugging me so hard that I had bruises 30 minutes later, but I didn't care.
"Shane..." my voice was slow, dancing around his sensitivity. I didn't even get a verbal response, he just grunted and looked up at me, sadder than a dog saying goodbye to his owner who was going away to college or the army. "Shane, what did your step-"
"You mean Kaitlin?"
I held my breath, "Okay." releasing air. "What did KAITLIN say to make you so upset?"
"Dad finally came out of jail." I felt my face lock in place. My mouth hung open, my eyes were wide and all I could think of was what Shane had told me his dad had done to his real mother. "Jesus, I was always dreading that call...and here it is." His head was on my chest and I was stroking his hair. I couldn't understand how he was feeling. Who could though?
"Is that why she wanted you to come home?" My voice cracked.
"She said he wanted to see me...wanted to explain." His voice cracked harder.
"Shane..."
"Cara I'm not going back. Just like you, I can't."
"I wasn't going to suggest that." My voice was small and shy. His was just quiet and full of different types of emotions.
"I'm sorry...that was out of line."
"Shane no it wasn't it's completely accurate."
He looked up at me. "You think so?" All I could do was nod. We sat there, with kisses of passion and me comforting him every now and again when we weren't full on making out. Honestly, I think that was Shane's favorite stress reliever.
"There's something else." When we finally came up for air for the last time, he was looking straight into my eyes the same way he did when we first met. They were still so persuading, so captivating. It was like being put in a trance.
"What is it?" A giggle trapped in my voice. I couldn't help it.
"My grandparents..."
"Oh god I feel so bad about that. I PROMISE I will pay them back every penny for bailing me out."
"No it's not that." Shane chuckled.
"Then what?" Now I was nervous. What if they wanted me to move out? Or worse. What if they were separating me from Shane?
"They want to meet you." His eyes looked hopeful even though they were red from crying and that crooked smile of his was plastered on his perfect face.
"But they just bailed me out of jail...why would they want to meet me?"
"Well, my grandparents are a lot like me. They don't judge. They've heard so many great things about you from me that they want to know who the mystery girl is." I smiled wide and hard. Shane finally sat up so I could hug him and I agreed.
"When?!"
"Thursday."
"Shane that's tomorrow."
"Yeah so?"
"SOOOO where are we going with them???"
"Oh we're meeting them at some Italian restaurant called Carmella's."
"OKAY!" I was more excited than Shane was. Regardless of what his parents wanted, he chose his own life. Even if the prices that were to pay kind of high, he risked it for me. The dinner with his grandparents went great. I had worn black leggings with knee high dark chocolate colored books with a two inch heel, a gray long sleeve shirt along with my casual jewelry. Shane had worn khakis along with a gray polo shirt and loafers. In all honesty, I didn't know Shane had owned such nice attire until tonight. His grandparents were just like Shane: kind, loving, high spirited, big mouthed, confident, and honest people. All qualities that I adored. They enjoyed my company. They asked about how Shane and I met, where I was from, how old I was, what I loved to do, what my favorite subject used to be...and normally...that would make me really sad because I had to think about my old life but...with Shane's grandparents...it made me feel more alive, and less worried about how my past affected me now. By the end of the dinner, they both had said I was the perfect girl for Shane which he then shot back with,
"Of course she is. I don't date unless I know she's worth it." He then winked at me and kissed me lightly on the cheek. No PDA in front of your grandparents. I hugged the grandmother goodbye and she had said,
"Take care of him Carolyn he's in good hands." She squeezed my hands together and kissed my forehead. Her eyes were a lighter gray than Shane's and they looked so happy, so carefree. When the grandfather hugged me, it was strong and he said,
"You're a good girl Cara. I'm glad Shane has you. Hopefully we'll all see each other again soon!" His laugh was raspy and made him sound like a smoker but I liked that. When we all walked out the front door, Shane's grandparents walked hand and hand with each other to their car. I remember thinking that THAT'S what true love looked like. I turned to Shane and smiled up at him because I knew he was already looking at me. The full moon's light shimmered perfectly in his hair and made his eyes sparkle more than ever.
"Thank you for that Carolyn." He touched our noses. I loved when he said my full name.
"Anytime." Our eyes were locked on one another and then shut when we kissed. The whole car ride home, he held my hand and I never wanted that perfect moment to end.