One day, when I was still young, I asked my dad what was wrong with me.

He knelt down in front of me, took my tiny hands into his big ones, and looked me in the eye while saying, “You are special. You have nothing wrong with you. Just a little different a good different. Just like Grandpa.”

That was the first time we talked about it.

It didn’t really soothe me but I have clung onto those words while I went to school and tried to get through.

Get through the odd stares new kids gave me, the whispers that follow me down the hallway while I clumsily stumble to my next class and the special helps I get from teachers.

“Kevin! Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence?” The teacher’s voice suddenly cut through my random thinking of what I ate last night.

My face flared red as I tried to comprehend why he was calling me. My heart beat faster, my palms turned sweaty and I was biting my lips until I drew a small amount of blood.

I coughed over and over again as an attempt to “clear” my throat but all I could get out of my throat was a strangled cat-like noise. I started continuously to tap my feet on the floor while my fingers groped around for my pencil which I would later on start playing around with.

I was nervous, for I was never used to getting called on. Before long, small beads of sweat formed on the nape of my neck and on my forehead.

I could hear my classmates start whispering and snickering behind my back. Some were bold enough to do it openly in front of my eyes.

Knowing I was humiliating myself again, I tried opening  my mouth in a second attempt to speak.

However, the teacher shook her head while sighing deeply and looking at me disapprovingly. Then, she moved onto her next victim like nothing happened.

When I got home, I slammed the door to ensure that nobody was going to disturb me today. My family members got the message and as I went in the room, I sank down on my comfy chair and tried to do my homework.

Of course, though, I couldn't concentrate.

As usual.

So, in an attempt to concentrate and finish my homework, I started twirling my pencil and tapped my feet on the floor constantly. That, however, didn’t help.

For as long as I can remember, I was already thinking about how much I hated my family for giving me it.

For a couple of more hours, my train of thoughts continued as I continuously forgot what I was thinking about and just thinking about something else again.

However, these question I never dared to forget:

Why am I different from others?

Why me?

How long do I have to endure this?

Am I normal?

Am I possibly human?

I dared not to ask these questions, though.

For one, I didn’t, no, couldn’t speak these questions that had so much meaning to it. For two, I was afraid of the answer I was going to get. For three, I never wanted an answer in the first place.

Today was Jayden’s birthday and this year was “special”.

Jayden invited his friends and we went to a restaurant. Before the day came, he warned me not to cause any trouble as if I look for trouble.

I really didn’t want to join his “group” but my parents dragged me along. However, because it would be awkward to sit with Jayden’s group of friends, I begged my dad so I could sit in the front of the car with mom.

“Mommy! Look! Its a truck! A yellow truck!” I shouted, unable to contain myself, the back of my conscious telling me I sounded like a fool and two year old.

“Idiot,” I heard somebody whisper in the back of the car. Mom and dad didn’t seem to notice. Nor did they notice the snickering behind in the passenger seats.

~15 minutes later~

We arrived at the restaurant and mom told Dad and the rest of the boys to find a table. The “rest of the boys” also included me.

I reluctantly followed them into the restaurant but not before spotting Mom pulling out a cigar and lighter.

When I was little, I asked Dad why mommy would sometimes have this paper tube in her mouth and smoke coming off the end.

At that time, I was probably around 5, I think and dad would just smile and say, “She enjoys it.”

I asked how long she has been enjoying it and he replied, “Before you were born son.”

“Did she still enjoy this before Jayden was born?” I had asked.

“No,” He replied.

I also remember that she occasionally likes drinking the drink kids aren’t allowed to drink, it had a purple-ish color to it and it was sometimes white. I once dipped my finger in that liquid without mommy or daddy knowing but when I tasted it, it tasted disgusting!

I didn’t understand why she liked it.

Daddy said she started liking these things 2 years before I was born. I was 2 years younger than Jayden.

A snicker snapped my attention back to reality. When I looked around, I saw almost everybody staring at me expectantly.

And, one embarrassing thing I really wanted to hide from others, was that when I was thinking hard, my habit was to grind my teeth. My parents told me that this habit, a.k.a. bruxism, was linked to ADHD.

That’s probably why I never really saw anyone doing this like I do.

“Uh Wut??” I asked.

More kids snickered. I bowed my head in shame. Sighing in exasperation, dad repeated what he had just said.

“Kevin, what is your present for your dear brother, Jayden?”

I gulped. I looked around to see my present.

None.

Nothing was there that looked like my present. What a careless mistake! And, today’s Jayden’s birthday. Which means, more people are going to see my careless mistake!

“I...uh... kind of lost it?” I squirmed and fiddled and tapped my hands and feet under the uncomfortable stares I was getting.

I, for one, do not plan ahead. And this might sound like an excuse but that’s because I have ADHD.

And, due to my illness, I only remembered that today was Jayden’s birthday only a few days before.

Short-term memories, are not that uncomfortable, but still annoying when you really need to remember stuff. Such as where I had put my present for Jayden!

Dad just shook his head and moved to another kid who happily showed Jayden his present.

During that time, I was again drifting to another train of thoughts.

My parents never knew I had ADHD until I showed some common symptoms for ADHD.

Before that, my illness was mistaken for a lot of things, such as depression, anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc.

Later on, though, when they realized that I had ADHD, they treated me like a baby who couldn’t manage things on my own.

True, I was acting a little, ok... a lot different than “normal” kids, but that didn’t mean I was actually a baby! Besides, I am old enough right now to be NOT considered as a baby.

I came back to reality for once again when it was time to sing the song, “Happy Birthday”.

Everyone gathered around across from Jayden and as mom played the piano that she borrowed from the restaurant, we all began to sing.

However, I did not.

It’s too embarrassing to admit this, but I really couldn’t remember the song! The simple song that even kindergarteners can sing! I mean, really?

So, in order to hide the fact that I couldn’t remember a single word of this stupid song, I lip-synced along.

Of course, some friends of Jayden noticed this and as I watched, one of them leaned in to whisper something to a kid next to him.

The kid whispered back in return, and together, they glanced quickly at me, who was looking at them, worried.

My worries and my feet tapping on the floor grew bigger and faster, for both kids bursted into a huge, loud laugh. Other kids, who kind of got what they were talking about, laughed out loud too.

Jayden’s face, however, got darker and darker.

Later, I realized that his dark mood was because of me. Because he was embarrassed to be my brother and embarrassed to show me to his friends.

After 10 years...

Years have passed and I have coped with my “disorder”.

My brother is in his 2nd year in college and next year would be my turn. I am not guaranteed a great college like “normal” people but I’ll live.

Jayden treated me like a freak so I treated him the same way he treated me. When he realized that I really “had a brain”, he stopped, which was a really big relief.

Over the years, I’ve convinced Mom to stop being an addict and now she is in rehab and trying to get over it, of course.

Also, I’ve improved for a kid who has ADHD in school too.

Life has been good to me and has taken care of me and has made me who I am today.

I know this is cheesy and, I don’t know, sappy, but always, no matter how hard you think life is or how “outcast” you feel, keep on going and things would eventually turn out fine.

10 Facts About ADHD

1. People with ADHD make careless mistakes

2. ADHD run in families (75~80% of chance of getting ADHD by heredity)

3. Mothers who smoke during pregnancy, drinking alcohol during pregnancy, and food, etc. affects whether the child is going to have a ADHD or not

4. ADHD is associated with short-term memory problems, disorganization, and not planning ahead

5. ADHD is commonly mistaken for other
conditions/illnesses (such as depression, anxiety, mood disorder, OCD, etc.)

6. Tooth grinding (bruxism), is linked to ADHD

7. Brain maturity is delayed in about 3 years

8. Often lose things that are needed to complete tasks/assignments (pencils, toys, assignments, etc)

9. When you get ADHD, you can’t concentrate in class and lose interest easily -- leads to low grades

10. Environment affects ADHD and less exposure to bad environment (smoking, contamination, etc.) is suggested

1. Daydreaming

2. Loses his/her stuff frequently

3. Can’t remember what he/she learns (inattentive)

4. Easily distracted + hyperactive

5. Have trouble organizing